I laughed. "It's the wind dumb ass."
"James, listen up - just because I don't care if you cuss in front of me doesn't mean you have permission to be a dumb ass in front of your mother. Respect her wishes; don't cuss in front of her. Got it?"
"Got it."
"Good. Now tell me about that girlfriend of yours?"
"She's not my girlfriend," I sighed.
"What can you tell me about her?"
"Why should I, she can tell you herself?"
"Deal. Call her - get her over here. I want to meet her."
"She's only thirteen. She's a little young for you," I said.
"Yeah, but I hear her mother's available. We could double date."
My father laughed. "That'll bring the wrath of Mary."
"You two could join us."
"We could sell tickets to that cat fight."
"Son-in-law," he waxed "You only live once."
"You don't want Mom and Diane in the same room," I said. My grandfather chuckled. "Since day one they mixed like oil and water."
"The best laid plans," Grandfather said. "Now invite that little friend of yours over."
"Who mixes like oil and water? And no, don't invite that little friend of yours over." Mother waddled into the kitchen.
"Why not?" Grandfather asked facing my mother.
"Because I said so. Who mixes like oil and water?" She asked.
"You and Diane," I blurted.
"Dear God what have I done to deserve this? Can't one day, just one blessed day pass without me having to deal with that Wanton Woman and her demon daughter? And you," she said to grandfather. "What are you scheming now?"
"I want to meet James's girlfriend."
"She's not my girlfriend!"
"Wouldn't it be neighborly for all of us to go out to dinner."
"Over my dead body!" Mother lamented.
"What did she ever do to you?" grandfather asked.
"I don't believe you! Using your grandson to help you get laid. If you want it that bad, knock on the wench's door. She'll welcome you with open legs."
Dad and I looked at each other and shrugged. I think he was thankful someone else was on the hot seat.
"You're unbelievable," Grandfather rebutted. "You piss and moan about the boy's language and you disrespect your father in front of the boy, shame on you. No wonder the boy has a mouth like a sailor; he gets it from his mother. If you weren't in such a condition I'd be of mind to bend you over my knee and give you what you deserve."