My face burned. "What happened to me? What happened to you? What happened to me? Where the fuck have you been? Jesus Christ! Am I talking to Diane? For your information, one of my best friends got killed in some goddamned war. That's what happened. You wanna know what's else, I blame myself. Count told me, if it wasn't for my goddamn grandfather he wouldn't of joined the army. How would you feel? What's your goddamn excuse?"
Shannie watched us from the top of the stairs.
"And you're worried about me smoking a joint. Fuck you! I love your daughter. She's the only good thing that's ever happened to me. Piss off!" I slammed the door in Diane's face.
I ran into the night. I found myself on the baseball field's bleachers watching the storm roll away. I was sure Shannie didn't care. I was so wrapped up in my own struggle I never fathomed hers. Today I obsess how different life would be if I had known her dilemma.
Over Christmas of '98, I learned how Shannie struggled with her feelings, by then it was too late. Diane showed me Shannie's journal entry written in the motel room on the way home from D.C.
6/xx/91
Somewhere between DC and Baltimore
Last night Just James told me he loved me. I don't how to react. I love him wildly, I've loved him from the day we met, there are times I want to marry him. I think of spending our lives together, growing old together. Then there are the days when the idea revolts me. I'm torn, pulled away by my attraction to women. I think it's inevitable; I think I'm lesbian. I mean what else would I want in a man? James knows me so well, he's caring, he's so passionate. I love being with him. I know him better than he knows himself. But there's the penis issue. I mean I don't hate it. But I'd rather be with, well sexually anyhow, Beetle or whomever. Beetle is so passé', so tedious, she has no future. James could have a future. He is smarter than he thinks. He could be somebody. He has to believe. James wins the possibility index; James wins the innate intelligence index; James wins the passion index; James just isn't soft enough; he doesn't have a vagina. Fuck if he had a vagina we'd be perfect. Why is the world so unfair? Even Count sensed the electricity between us. Why can't I give myself to him? God, there are days when I want to so badly. I hope last night wasn't a mistake. I hope I don't break his heart. He's too good. He doesn't deserve that. It's not fair for him. I'm so confused.