"On the special night, they blindfold Count and drive him to the boonies. Janice tells him they're taking him to her favorite spot. I only bring my favorites there. Meanwhile they drove for almost an hour. The entire time Count told them he would make them coo. On a country road, Janice noticed a clump of trees between two cornfields. No houses around. They led Count from the car."
Shannie's attention was averted by the TV. A car hung precariously over the bay bridge - a span from the upper deck sheared away from the structure and fell upon the lower deck.
"Get on with it," I prompted.
"Patience is a virtue so shut up and listen! They led him to a clearing under the trees. They strip him and tie him to a tree. They toyed with him a bit, Marcy slipped a condom onto Don Juan, got him buku aroused and stole his clothes, leaving him balls to the wind."
"No way," I said.
"Way. They took his wallet, ID, everything - except the rubber."
"They left him there?" I hooted.
"Hung him out to dry," Shannie cried. "When they got home, they called the police."
"Holy Shit!" I howled.
"My kind of girls," Shannie bantered.
"What did they tell the cops?" I begged.
"A naked man jumped in front of their car."
I bawled; my stomach hurt.
"Could you describe him? Did he have any distinguishing features?" a cop questioned Marcy."
"Big oaf with a buzz cut, with a condom dangling off his puny pecker." Marcy said.
"Poor Count," Shannie cried. "Lost, no clue where and a bus ride away from the army."
"Private Puny Pecker," I roared.
"Private Puny Pecker," Shannie repeated, giggling.
"It's a wonder he didn't kill them," I laughed. "He must have been pissed!"
"Yeah he was. He was livid," Shannie said.
"When Diane and I got to the cop shop, Count was seething. He was pacing back and forth in the holding cell clad in a borrowed pair of way-too-small boxers, scratching himself like an ape. He had a run in with a little poison ivy."
"'I'm going to piss on them, the whole fucking family!' Count roared when he saw us."
"'Keep it down,' the cop yelled. To me he said, 'Ma'am, be careful, don't feed the animals.'"