“I really want a baby now,” Molly returns her own voice now as hushed as her mother’s.
“That’s not how it works, sweets,” Megan continues.
“But, why?”
I clear my throat and move my eyes from Megan’s pleading ones to Molly’s hopeful ones.
“But you said Leelee is going to stick like gum. You said it. That means if he’s my new daddy, that you and Leelee can give me a baby!”
“Hey,” I butt in when I see how much this is costing Megan. “I’m already stuck like bubblegum, little lady. Stuck so sticky and gooey that I’ll happily be stuck forever. One day, but not now, okay? And Molly, I love you and your mommy, and if one day I’m lucky enough for you to call me daddy, it will stick some more happiness right to my heart with a huge big piece of bubblegum, but I won’t be your new daddy. I’ll be your other daddy.”
“Why?” she asks, her voice still small but her smile big.
“Because you, little lady, already have a daddy and even though he’s not here anymore doesn’t mean he isn’t always with you.”
I look up when I hear Megan sniffle and reach out to grab her hand over the table. Molly lets the subject drop, but even through her continuous chatter throughout dinner, Megan remains quiet and I know whatever was weighing on her mind hasn’t been made any easier.
“Talk to me, Megan,” I demand.
She walks around the couch and sits. I notice, but don’t call her out on it, that she purposely placed her body out of arm’s length.
Ever since Molly’s bomb dropped at dinner, the dark mood she’s carried with her since I arrived at the house has continued. I’ve waited, not wanting to press while Molly was awake, and put on a smile for her sake. But now, Molly is in bed and I’m not putting up with this shit.
“I won’t ask again, darlin’. I haven’t seen you in over a week, a long week with your goodnight calls being the only thing pushing me through, but now that I finally have you where I want you, you’re a million miles away. What gives?”
“Dani’s pregnant,” she says.
“Good for Dani. Good for Cohen. Not that I’m shocked seeing as they can’t keep their hands off each other. Now I know that isn’t what has you walking around with the weight of the world on your shoulders, so what. Is. The. Problem?” I push, my frustration clear as can be in my voice.
“You wear a gun,” she oddly says.
“Not when I’m off duty. I don’t have one on me right now.”
“You wear a gun,” she repeats, her voice growing louder. Panicked.
“Yeah, Megan. I wear a gun. I’m a cop. We wear guns.”
“You wear a vest.”
“Yeah. Again, I’m a cop.”
“You wear a gun and a vest, Lee!” she shrieks and I draw back at her tone.
“Darlin’,” I call, my frustration bleeding out the instant I realized what this is about. “They’re to keep me safe.”
“You . . . you wear a gun and a vest, Lee,” She quivers and wraps her arms around her body.
I don’t respond, but I do move so that I can pull her into my arms.
“I thought we were past this, baby. I wear them because for one it’s part of my uniform, but they’re also there to keep me safe. I know how to work a gun, Megan. I’ve known how to work one since I was five. I also know what to do if something happens and I need my gun. I’m not going anywhere.”
Her body shakes in my hold and her tears wet my shirt.
“Megan, please, darlin’, hold onto me and don’t let this pull you under.”
“Just the thought of something happening to you kills me, Lee. What if something happens for real? What if I lose you too?” she mumbles against my chest after her cries die.
It tears me to my core to see her hurting. I’ve wondered if something like this would come up, but I never considered her fearing my career. Putting myself in her shoes though, it makes sense, and I kick myself for not seeing it sooner. Preparing for it.
“I’m not going anywhere, Megan. Stuck like gum, remember?”
Her body curls closer and she doesn’t speak.
“I love you, Megan. Do you really think, for one second, that now that I have you I wouldn’t take every care in the world to make sure I never lose you? That includes my own safety. Things happen, every day things happen, and God willing I hope they never happen to us. If I was ever in the need of my gun or my vest, you have no fears in the knowledge that I will use both to make sure I always come back to you.”