‘And then, of course, college finished, which was something of a relief, to be honest, because who wants to be the girl Will Traynor dumped? But it was so hard to get over, because it had ended so abruptly. After we left and he started work in the City I wrote to him asking if we could at least meet for a drink so I could work out what on earth had gone wrong. Because, as far as I was concerned, we had been really happy, you know? And he just got his secretary to send this – this card, saying she was very sorry but Will’s diary was absolutely full and he didn’t have time right now but he wished me all the best. “All the best”.’ She grimaced.
I winced internally. Much as I wanted to discount her story, this version of Will held a horrible ring of truth. Will himself had looked back at his earlier life with utter clarity, had confessed how badly he had treated women when he was younger. (His exact words were: ‘I was a complete arse.’)
Tanya was still talking. ‘And then, about two months later, I discovered I was pregnant. And it was already awfully late because my periods had always been erratic and I hadn’t realized I’d already missed two. So I decided to go ahead and have Lily. But –’ here she lifted her chin again, as if braced to defend herself – ‘there was no point in telling him. Not after everything he’d said and done.’
My coffee had gone cold. ‘No point in telling him?’
‘He’d as good as said he didn’t want anything to do with me. He would have acted as if I’d done it deliberately, to trap him or something.’
My mouth was hanging open. I closed it. ‘But you – you don’t think he had the right to know, Mrs Houghton-Miller? You don’t think he might have wanted to meet his child? Regardless of what had happened between the two of you?’
She put down her cup.
‘She’s sixteen,’ I said. ‘She would have been fourteen, fifteen when he died. That’s an awful long –’
‘And by that time she had Francis. He was her father. And he has been very good to her. We were a family. Are a family.’
‘I don’t understand –’
‘Will didn’t deserve to know her.’
The words settled in the air between us.
‘He was an arsehole. Okay? Will Traynor was a selfish arsehole.’ She pushed a strand of hair back from her face. ‘Obviously I didn’t know what had happened to him. That came as a complete shock. But I can’t honestly say it would have made a difference.’
It took me a moment to find my voice. ‘It would have made every difference. To him.’
She looked at me sharply.
‘Will killed himself,’ I said, and my voice cracked a little. ‘Will ended his life because he couldn’t see any reason to go on. If he’d known he had a daughter –’
She stood up. ‘Oh, no. You don’t pin that on me, Miss Whoever-you-are. I am not going to be made to feel responsible for that man’s suicide. You think my life isn’t complicated enough? Don’t you dare come here judging me. If you’d had to cope with half of what I cope with … No. Will Traynor was a horrible man.’
‘Will Traynor was the finest man I ever knew.’
She let her gaze run up and down me. ‘Yes. Well, I can imagine that’s probably true.’
I thought I had never been filled with such an instant dislike for someone.
I had stood to leave when a voice broke into the silence. ‘So my dad really didn’t know about me.’
Lily was standing very still in the doorway. Tanya Houghton-Miller blanched. Then she recovered herself. ‘I was saving you from hurt, Lily. I knew Will very well, and I was not prepared to put either of us through the humiliation of trying to persuade him to be part of a relationship he wouldn’t have wanted.’ She smoothed her hair. ‘And you really must stop this awful eavesdropping habit. You’re likely to get quite the wrong end of the stick.’
I couldn’t listen to any more. I walked to the door as a boy began shouting upstairs. A plastic truck flew down the stairs and crashed into pieces somewhere below. An anxious face – Filipina? – gazed at me over the banister. I began to walk down the stairs.
‘Where are you going?’
‘I’m sorry, Lily. We’ll – perhaps we’ll talk some other time.’
‘But you’ve hardly told me anything about my dad.’
‘He wasn’t your father,’ Tanya Houghton-Miller said. ‘Francis has done more for you since you were little than Will ever would have done.’
‘Francis is not my dad,’ Lily roared.
Another crash from upstairs, and a woman’s voice, shouting in a language I didn’t understand. A toy machine-gun sent tinny blasts into the air. Tanya put her hands to her head. ‘I can’t cope with this. I simply can’t cope.’
Lily caught up with me at the door. ‘Can I stay with you?’
‘What?’
‘At your flat? I can’t stay here.’
‘Lily, I don’t think –’
‘Just for tonight. Please.’
‘Oh, be my guest. Have her stay with you for a day or two. She’s just delightful company.’ Tanya waved a hand. ‘Polite, helpful, loving. A dream to have around!’ Her face hardened. ‘Let’s see how that works out. You know she drinks? And smokes in the house? And that she was suspended from school? She’s told you all this, has she?’
Lily seemed almost bored, as if she had heard this a million times before.
‘She didn’t even bother turning up for her exams. We’ve done everything possible for her. Counsellors, the best schools, private tutors. Francis has treated her as if she were his own. And she just throws it all back in our faces. My husband is having a very difficult time at the bank right now, and the boys have their issues, and she doesn’t give us an inch. She never has.’
‘How would you even know? I’ve been with nannies half my life. When the boys were born, you sent me to boarding-school.’
‘I couldn’t cope with all of you! I did what I could!’
‘You did what you wanted, which was to start your perfect family all over again, without me.’ Lily turned back to me. ‘Please? Just for a bit? I promise I won’t get under your feet at all. I’ll be really helpful.’