Without You

I closed my eyes and whispered, “Will, please come back to me. Please.”

I felt something hitting my boot, and I opened my eyes to see Banjo. I smiled and looked up at my giant beauty. “I can always count on you, boy. Isn’t that right?”

He began bobbing his head up and down, and I let out a giggle.

I stood up and began running my hands along his side and back. “Oh, Banjo, I really messed things up.” I buried my face into my horse and softly cried.

“Alex? You feel like company?”

I looked up and saw my father. I walked over to him, and he pulled me into his arms. I completely fell apart. My legs gave out on me, and we both slowly hit the ground. He pulled me onto his lap and held me while I cried.

“Alex, please don’t cry, baby.”

“Daddy, he’s gone. He left me.”

He began rocking me while I attempted to settle down.

“Shh…baby girl. Please, please don’t be upset.”

I pulled back and looked into my father’s eyes. “I didn’t…I didn’t mean it when I said…when I said I hated you. Daddy, I didn’t mean it.”

He pulled me back into him. “I know, Alex. I know.”

“I love him, Daddy. I love him so much, and I hurt him so bad.”

He pulled back and placed his finger under my chin. “Alex, from what I understand, Will didn’t give you a chance to explain. Just give him time to cool down, sweetheart.”

I tried to smile. “Daddy, I kept hearing your voice over and over in my head. I tried liking UT, Daddy. I have to be honest with you though. I hate it. I hate it with a passion.”

Daddy laughed and nodded his head. “Jeff told me that Grace told him the same thing.”

“I don’t want you to hate me, but this is not what I want.”

My father swallowed hard. “Let’s get back on the horses and ride.”

We stood, and he helped me up onto Banjo. He got up on Crazy Eight. We began walking, and for the first few minutes, we rode along in silence.

“Alex, I had so many dreams for you. Since you were little, I think I had your whole life planned out. Your mother used to tell me that it was your life and not mine, but I knew you would do what I said, and that’s how I always thought. Seeing you this weekend, seeing how unhappy you are, makes me realize that it’s not my life to plan. It’s your life. We only learn lessons in life by making mistakes. I was trying too hard to keep you from making any, but I made the biggest one of all. I tried to tell you how and why you should live your life the way I wanted you to.”

I looked straight ahead and let what my father was saying soak in.

“Alex, I’m no longer going to tell you what I think you should do. I’m going to leave it up to you to decide what to do. It’s your life, your future, your dreams—not mine.”

I glanced back at him and smiled. “Grace and I talked about it. We were going to wait and talk to you and Uncle Jeff together, but I’m thinking now is a good time.”

He smiled and winked at me. “I do believe Grace has already talked to her daddy.”

I laughed. “I’m not surprised. She utterly hates UT.”

I took a deep breath and got ready to lay out the plans I had made for my own future. “We both decided that we would stay at UT and finish out our freshman year. It’s really hard being away from Luke, Libby, and especially Will, but I think it will be best for Grace and me to finish what we started this year. Next year, I’d like to transfer to A&M and get a bachelor of science in horticulture.”

Daddy smiled. “Horticulture?”

I smiled. “Yep. I loved working every day in the garden with Mama and Grams when I was growing up. I find myself daydreaming about working in Mama’s garden. I’ve always wanted to have my own nursery and teach other people the things Mama and Grams taught me.”

I watched as my father’s eyes filled with tears.

“I think that sounds like an amazing plan, baby girl. It makes me very proud of you.”

“Yeah?”

He stopped his horse. “Very much so, Alex. I just want you to be happy. If that is what will make you happy, then it’ll make me happy.”

I instantly felt a weight lifting off my shoulders. “I guess we should have had this talk months ago.”

He chuckled. “I guess so. I’m sorry I made you feel like you couldn’t share your dreams with me, Alex. I wanted you to follow in my footsteps, but I never stopped to think about your own footsteps.”