Without Regret

“Well stop, we’re trying to see,” Jill said, smiling at whatever she saw on the small monitor by Izzy’s feet.

“What’s that?” Marc asked, squishing up his face as he turned his head to get a better look at whatever was on the screen.

“That’s her hand,” Joshua said, gliding the tool over Izzy’s stomach. “And if she turns just so…….we’ll see her face.”

“Oh my god,” Madison said, smiling hugely.

He was across the room in seconds, unable to stay away much longer. His father saw him and threw him a relieved smile as he stepped out of the way. After months of yelling at him and pleading with him to give Izzy a chance he knew how relieved his father had to be.

Taking a deep breath and praying that he wouldn’t f**k up this little girl’s life the way his mother had f**ked up his, he took a step forward and fell head over heels in love for the second time in his life.

There on the screen was his little girl, his Jessica. In that moment he knew there would be no walking away from her. He’d give his life up for her in a heartbeat.

“Aw, she’s so cute,” Jill gushed and he had to agree.

“When can we see the boys?” Madison asked.

“In about a month it should be easier to spot them,”

Joshua said.

“Excellent,” his father said to no one’s surprise.

“Do you want a picture of your daughter, Chris?”

Joshua asked.

He couldn’t remove his eyes from the screen as he nodded. “Please. Two, please.” He’d put one in his wallet and have Madison frame the other one to put by his bed.

“They’re printing now. Jill, could you hand me a few wipes so that I can wipe this goop off of Izzy’s stomach?”

Joshua asked, but before Jill could reach for the box of warmed wipes he had them in his hands.

Praying his hands wouldn’t shake and give away how nervous he was, he pulled a few wipes out and began wiping Izzy’s large stomach. He nearly gasped when he felt his daughter move.

“I can do that,” Izzy said, moving to take the wipes away, but he wasn’t having that.

“Let me do it,” he said, wanting to do something for her, anything. He’d been such an ass**le. Why the hell did he keep f**king up around her?

“Why don’t we all give them some space? Chris, Izzy, I’ll drop the pictures off in your suite,” Joshua said, reaching out and giving Izzy’s hand a small squeeze before he walked away.

“Chris, I really can do that,” Izzy said, sounding embarrassed.

“I know, but I want to,” he said, giving her a small smile before focusing his attention back on her stomach.

After he wiped all the clear gel off her stomach he gently ran his hands over it, chuckling every time his baby girl pushed against his hands. She was such a little feisty little thing, he thought as he leaned over and pressed a kiss to Izzy’s stomach and of course that earned a kick from his baby girl.

“Chris, you have to stop,” Izzy said.

“Look, I’m sorry I f**ked up, more than you’ll ever know, but I want to try, Izzy,” he said, smiling when his little girl double kicked his hand.

“It’s not that,” she mumbled miserably.

“Then what is it?” he asked, unable to take his eyes away from her round stomach.

“If you must know all this kicking and pressure is making me have to pee!” she said, shoving his hands as she did her best to roll over and sit up. As gently as he could he helped her to her feet and tried not to smile when she threw him a glare and began waddling towards the hallway door.

“Where are you going? I thought you had to use the bathroom?” he called after her.

“I like using our bathroom,” he thought he heard her mutter. “Besides I also need to soak in a hot tub and I don’t care if I’m late for your precious defense class. It’s not like I’ve been able to do anything more than sit in a corner for the past two months anyway,” she snapped testily.

“But I bet you learned a lot,” he pointed out as he followed after her.

“Yeah, that you’re a sadistic bastard who makes women cry,” she said, placing a hand at the small of her back as she waddled towards the elevators that would take them to their floor.

What should have been a ten second walk turned out to be a five minute walk since she kept having to stop to catch her breath.

“Are you okay? Maybe you should just use the bathroom down here,” he suggested, reaching out to take her hand and guide her back towards the clinic.

She pulled away and continued on with her waddling. “I just want some time alone to think and soak in a hot bath.”

“Let me help you,” he said, moving back to her side.

“I don’t need your help, Chris. What I need you to do is stop confusing the hell out of me, because I have to be honest here, your split personalities are giving me whiplash,” she snapped as she scanned her hand and pressed the call button for the elevator.

“Just give me a chance to explain that, Munchkin, please,” he said, following her onto the elevator.

“No, I gave you enough chances and I think we can both agree that you’ve made it more than obvious how you feel about me and the baby over the past couple of months so I really don’t see the point, do you?” she asked, crossing, well, trying to cross her arms over her large chest. Thanks to her pregnancy her br**sts were a lot bigger than before.

“You don’t know how I feel about you,” he bit out, trying to stay patient and not lose his temper, but it was difficult.

“Yeah, I’m an inconvenience except when you need to get off.”

“No, you’re the woman that I’m in love with,” he said, hating himself for all the shit and misery he’d put her through over the past few months. “And I’m so f**king sorry for what I put you through.”

“No, you’re not,” she said tightly, wiping at her eyes.

“Yes, I am, Munchkin. I love you and I’m sorry for the way that I treated you, but you have to know that I did it to protect you, I-“

She turned on him as the elevator doors slid shut. “To protect me? You treated me like garbage to protect me?

No,” she said, shaking her head firmly, “you did it to protect yourself.”

“No, I-“

“Yes, you did! You’re only nice to me when it’s convenient for you like now that you’ve discovered that you can have me and your family too. You never would have chosen me, but now thanks to your father you don’t have to, now do you? But guess what? I don’t choose you. I don’t want you. You had your chance and you blew it!” she screamed.

“That’s not fair, Izzy, especially since you don’t have a f**king clue about what you’re talking about,” he bit out evenly.

She snorted her disbelief. “I don’t? Really? I know that you’re too scared to live your own life. I know you’ve wrapped your entire life around your family. I know that you’re a coward and-“

“They f**king saved me!” he roared, getting into her face and backing her into a corner. “You have no f**king idea what it was like before they took me in. I had to watch every f**king move I made. You don’t know what it’s like to have to worry about your mother being too drunk or stoned to f**k some guy and instead offered him up your ass. You never had to worry that the man would take her up on it and that you wouldn’t be able to get to the knife you that you slept with quickly enough or run fast enough before he tried to take her up on the offer.”