White Trash Love Song

As I turned up the speed, the sweat began to run off me, my hair clinging to my forehead as I started to breathe harder.

Trying to run from all of my problems was just like running on this treadmill. You never got anywhere.

I thought of how my family used to be, before my brother was killed. I wanted a family like that for myself, but I knew I was never meant to have that kind of happiness. I wasn’t even welcome in my own family. My legs were burning and I forced myself to keep going. I wanted exhaustion. I wanted to wear down my body and hopefully, in the process, my mind.

TWO HOURS LATER I left the gym, my body feeling as if it were ripping in two. I made my way back up to my room, glancing at Donna’s door, but deciding now probably wasn’t the time to talk about what had happened last night.

I hoped she didn’t hate me for what had happened. I didn’t think I could handle losing her on top of everything else. I slipped inside my room and took an ice-cold shower, letting the water cool me down until my breathing returned to normal.

I got dressed and grabbed my phone from the floor. It took a minute to locate the back, but I slipped it on and tried to power on. The phone wouldn’t work, and the anger that had consumed me earlier returned.

Someone knocked at the door and I groaned as I made my way over to it and yanked it open.

“Dude, what the f**k?” Terry held his hands out to his sides.

“What?”

“You won’t answer your phone, you wouldn’t answer the door. Donna is freaking out, man. You can’t just f**k a chick and ignore her.”

“I wasn’t ignoring her.”

“So you did f**k her? I got to hand it to you, man. Only you could tame the f**king ice queen.” He laughed as he slid by me into the room.

I slammed the door and ran my hands through my hair. “I broke my f**king phone and I was in the gym and the shit with Donna is not what you think.”

“Yeah, well, we are meeting Tuck down at the Lagoon. Chris already left with Donna.”

“Sarah and Derek leave yet?”

 “You know, your life is more f**king twisted than a soap opera.” Terry pulled open the door and made a sweeping gesture with his hand.

I stepped out into the hall as I laughed. “How the f**k would you know about soap operas?”

“I need my stories, man.”

I couldn’t help but laugh.

We headed down to the lobby for a waiting cab to take us to the restaurant. I stared out the window the entire drive, not wanting to talk anymore about the female drama. Terry didn’t press the issue, but I could tell he was a little more excited than he should be to watch everything unfold. When you spend your life on the road, you have to get your entertainment any way you can.

When we stepped into the lobby, Donna turned to face me. I could see the worry in her eyes. I knew she wasn’t sure what my feelings toward her were after last night. I wasn’t sure either. I scanned her body, taking in her curves in her simple, formfitting, black dress. I walked over to her and put my arm around her shoulders.

“You look beautiful,” I whispered, and her lips quirked into a smile as her hand fell to my chest.

“I wasn’t sure you were coming.”

“Why would you think that?”

“I thought you’d still be sleeping off your hangover.” She shrugged, and our attention turned to the door as Tucker and Cass stepped inside. It felt as if it had been years since we had all been together. We all hugged and congratulated them, making inappropriate comments about their time alone.

“Let’s eat. I’m starving.” Tucker walked to the hostess and gave her his name. She quickly guided us back into the dining room.

“What did we miss?” he asked as we made our way to the table.

“You don’t want to know.” I shook my head.

“That bad, huh?”

I waited for Donna to sit before taking the seat next to her. Terry sat on the other side of me. Chris, Tucker, and Cass sat on the other side, leaving two empty seats in front of me, but I wasn’t sure Sarah and Derek would even show. She had made it pretty clear she wanted nothing more to do with me.

We ordered drinks as we shared stories about the bar fight and late-night partying. Tuck laughed as we told him about Derek’s spending the night in jail, but that was cut short when they finally showed.

Sarah avoided eye contact with me and Derek was being overly friendly.

“Nice of you to show up,” Terry joked.

Sarah shook her head. “I couldn’t remember the name of the place. I tried to text you.” Her gaze met mine for a second and I cocked my head, wondering why she would text me after telling me to leave her alone.

“My phone broke.” I picked up my glass of water and took a sip.

“No worries. We’re here now.” She leaned forward to look over at Cass and smile.

16

SARAH

HOW DOES IT feel being Mrs. Tucker White?” I asked as I held my hair back so it wouldn’t drag on my plate.

“It feels . . . like the way it should be.” Cass smiled and I loved how genuinely happy she was.

“I still think you should have kept your last name,” Chris chimed in as he took a bite from a roll.

“As brilliant of an idea that it was to name our son Jack Daniels, I couldn’t go through with it.”

Chris put his hand over his heart as if he were hurt, and Cass mouthed sorry to him as she smiled. “I missed this,” she said with a sigh as the waitress came over to take our orders. I hadn’t even looked over the menu. I picked it up and my eyes scanned the lists of entrées, sneaking a glance at E, who was leaning closer to Donna, discussing what they wanted to eat. Derek’s hand fell on my thigh and I looked over at him, smiling weakly as he patted my leg.

He was trying and I hated myself for wishing that he hadn’t waited so long to make an effort. I slipped my hand under the table and wrapped my fingers around his and gave them a squeeze.

“I’ll have the bacon burger with mayo,” I said as I held out my menu for the server to take. She went around the rest of the table taking everyone’s order.

After we were left alone again the drinks began to flow, and everyone was in good spirits. For once, there was no fighting, and it made me miss our tour even more.

“Next tour kicks off in a month,” Derek said to Tucker.

“We need to have Donna go over our schedule with you. Maybe we can meet up along the way, play a gig together for old times’ sake.”

“I would love to get to hang out with Cass again. I miss her.” I could feel E’s eyes on me and I avoided his gaze.

“So you can use me as your Barbie doll again?” Cass laughed and threw a roll toward me.

“Come on. You looked hot and it is always fun to be pampered.”

“You did look hot.” Tucker gave Cass a lopsided grin and kissed her temple.

“See. It was fun. Plus we could work on some new songs. Have you written anything lately?”

“I wrote a song for Tucker, but I am not sharing that with these perverts.”

“Can’t blame you there. Derek thinks everything has some sort of sexual reference.” I rolled my eyes and he elbowed me playfully in the ribs. “It’s true.”

“It’s not my fault you have a dirty mind.” He narrowed his eyes and I did the same.

“It would really be nice to have another girl around. Donna is always nose deep in business when we’re on the bus.”

“Ninety percent of my business consists of keeping E out of fights. It’s a full-time job,” Donna chimed in, and I glanced over toward her, allowing myself to look at E. His eyes were already on mine.

“That’s the easy part. You just sidetrack him with a funny story. Once you get him laughing, he forgets all about kicking ass,” I replied, and E gave me a lopsided grin.

“I’ll keep that in mind. Certainly easier than trying to shove myself between two drunken men while in heels.” Donna took a sip from her glass.

The food arrived in the middle of our conversation and everyone quieted down as we ate, except for Terry and Chris, who were arguing over who called dibs on the waitress. They never seemed to tire, and it was exhausting just watching them.

“You could always take turns. It worked out so well for you in the past,” E joked, and Terry tossed a roll at him. E picked up a handful of fries and Donna grabbed him, stopping him from starting a food fight in the middle of the restaurant.

“I call first,” Chris yelled, and everyone erupted in laughter.

17

ERIC

I SLIPPED OUTSIDE TO smoke and stared at the pond behind the restaurant. The door opened and I tried not to smile as Sarah stepped out beside me, even though it was physically painful to be near her. Her eyes focused ahead as she leaned against the wall next to me and lit her cigarette.

I flicked my ashes and blew out a puff of smoke. “Look, I’m not going to bother you anymore. But I don’t want shit to be weird between us.” I cleared my throat. “We were . . . we are friends.”

“I don’t think things have ever not been weird.” She laughed quietly.

I nodded. “I know you said you didn’t want to talk, but I want you to know I’m here if you change your mind.”

“When did I say I didn’t want to talk?” Her eyes met mine as confusion washed over her face.

The truth dawned on me and I pushed off the wall ready to beat the hell out of Derek. He was playing dirty to keep her and me away from each other. Sarah’s hand grabbed my arm to stop me as she studied my face. At least he knew I didn’t come and keep her company while he was out all night.

“What are you talking about, E? You’re the one who said you would stay away from me.”

The fight in the alley flashed in my mind, the hurt look in her eyes, and her body against mine as I tried to hold her.

“I shouldn’t have said that to you. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you last night. I f**ked up.” I closed my eyes as I tried to block out the memory of sleeping with Donna. “Tell me what you meant when you said that you aren’t free.”

“It’s fine.” Her hand touched my cheek and electricity shot through me. “I’m fine.”

My eyes slowly opened as she pulled her hand back from my face. “What happened?” I grabbed her wrists, inspecting the purple, swollen tip of her finger.

“I got in a fight with the stove.” She shrugged, looking embarrassed. “You?” She eyed my busted knuckles.

“Brick wall.”

She smiled and my finger began to rub over her wrist absent-mindedly as I was filled with relief that Sarah wasn’t kicking me out of her life. My face slowly inched closer to hers as our breathing picked up. I pulled her finger to my lips and placed a soft kiss on the tip of it. Pink washed over her cheeks as she pulled her lower lip in and ran her teeth over it slowly, and her fingers that still held my arm tightened. There was no staying away from Sarah, and fighting the connection we had was becoming too hard. I knew she felt it. I could see it in the pink of her cheeks, and the smile that played on her lips. She let down her guard, not afraid to let me see the sadness that lingered below the surface, and I did the same. It was freeing. I knew I couldn’t turn away even if I wanted to.

“We should go inside before someone comes looking for us,” I said quietly, hating that I had to let go of her.

She nodded and we both let our hands fall to our sides as we made our way back in the door. My fingers found the small of her back as she stepped in front of me to enter, but I only let them linger for a second.

Sarah went back to the table but I took a detour to the bathroom, needing to clear my thoughts before having to look at Derek again and to not give him reason to question if we had been together. I would let him believe he had succeeded in making us turn against each other. It was better for Sarah if she didn’t have to deal with his jealousy.

I splashed cold water on my face and made my way back to the table. Everyone was talking loudly about the award show performance. Donna smiled over at me, her shoulder bumping into mine. I smiled back, hating that we would eventually have to talk about last night. I dreaded ruining things between us.

I dared a glance across the table. Derek had his arm over Sarah’s shoulders as he told Tuck about a show they had done a few weeks ago when the building lost power. Her eyes caught mine and I fought against a smile as I looked down the table at the twins, who were racing to see who could finish his beer the fastest.

I laughed along with the jokes and offered a comment when expected, but all I could think about was Sarah. She wasn’t wearing any makeup and her clothes were more everyday than her usual grunge persona. She looked out of place next to Derek, who had on thick liner and whose hair was so black it looked as if it had a blue hue.

“What?” Donna leaned into my side as her eyes studied mine. I shrugged and grabbed my beer, taking a sip. My eyes slid over her perfect porcelain face. She wore makeup, but only to enhance her features, not to hide behind. She took the time to curl her hair and dress to impress. Any man would look at her and think she was beautiful, but my heart didn’t stutter when she said my name the way it did with Sarah. I wished it did, it would make things so much simpler. I cared for her a lot and I knew I could be with her and be happy, but it would never be fair to her because I couldn’t give her my heart.

“Why don’t you like weddings?” I asked, trying to fill the void in conversation between us.

“I . . . uh . . .” Her eyes fell to her lap.

I tipped her chin up with my finger. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that here.” I shook my head. “I wasn’t thinking.”