White Trash Damaged

“Great song, right?” Lizzy was singing along and bouncing up and down to the beat.

Tucker didn’t glance my way, and I was happy that I wouldn’t have to see the look in his eyes at that moment. I did notice Eric looking in our direction and wondered what was going on with him and Tucker. I hoped again that I wasn’t the cause of any turmoil between the members of the band . . . but I couldn’t help but sense that I was. Clearly things between Tucker and me had fueled quite a bit of their recent set list.

Tucker’s voice became a distant humming as I let myself sink inside my own thoughts. I needed to block out thoughts like that to keep from running again. I had come all this way and refused to leave him again. I just hoped I was strong enough to keep that promise.

But if the band didn’t want me around, how long could I stay, causing tension between them? I couldn’t wait for the guys to finish their set so I could have Tucker by my side, but the end of the concert also meant the beginning of the after-party. I could only hope that the images playing through my mind were gross exaggerations: women running around naked, begging to sleep with whomever would take them; drugs passed freely among bandmates and groupies. For the first time in weeks, I missed the trailer park. The predictability. Nothing changed from day to day. I knew what life had in store for me and never had to wonder what tomorrow would bring. Not that it was ever good. But at least I knew.

I glanced over at Lizzy who was consumed by the music, singing along. I wanted to be carefree, enjoy myself without having to wonder what curveball would be thrown my way next. But at that moment Tucker’s eyes found mine. I smiled, and he smirked back at me with a half grin that put me at ease.

“He’s got it bad,” Lizzy yelled into my ear, causing my grin to spread from ear to ear.

I pushed the negative thoughts from my mind and decided to embrace the moment. I shook my hips as we listened to a few more songs. The set ended and Tucker made his way down the steps, wrapping his hands around my waist and lifting me from the ground to kiss me.

“Do you know how hard it is to be on that stage while you’re over here shaking your ass like that?” He smiled as he spun me in a circle and placed me back on the ground.

“You signing, man?” Chris asked as the band gathered beside us.

“Yeah, I’m coming,” Tucker replied, his eyes glued to mine. “Wait for me,” he whispered.

“I’m not going anywhere,” I assured him. And I meant it.

Lizzy wrapped her fingers around my arm at the elbow and pulled me back from Tucker’s embrace.

“There will be plenty of time for this at the after-party.” She laughed, but the look from Tucker made her stop short.

I suddenly wished she had never told me about the parties. Maybe I wasn’t invited. Maybe Tucker didn’t want me hindering his chances with the adoring fans. I shook the thought from my mind. Tucker wasn’t Jax, and he had never given me a reason not to trust him. We were together now. He was my future. . . . I needed to stop letting the baggage I still carried from my past influence my expectations of Tuck.

“Come on, man.” Terry was trying to get the band to follow him so they could greet the fans. Tucker kissed my temple and backed up a few steps before turning to follow, running his hand through his hair.

“What was that about?” I turned to Lizzy who was digging through her pockets and pulling out a pack of cigarettes. I pulled in a deep breath at the sight of them. I hadn’t thought twice about smoking since I had quit, but seeing them made me crave them all over again.

Lizzy shrugged as she pulled a cigarette from the pack.

“These artist types are so moody.” She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “Want one?” She held out the pack to me and I waved them away, but my nerves were killing me.

“Sure, just one won’t hurt.” I pulled one from the pack and nodded in thanks as she slid them into the back pocket of her jean shorts.

“Come on.” She cocked her head toward an emergency exit door.

“We will be back in five. Don’t forget about us,” she called to the security guard who was still blocking the door to the hallways. He nodded in our direction.

There was a breeze, but the air was warm, and after being in that giant stadium packed tight with bodies, it felt good. Lizzy dug a lighter out of her front pocket, struggling with the tightness of her clothing. She flicked the lighter and held it out for me. I leaned in, cigarette in mouth, and drew in a long, deep breath. She lit hers and leaned back against the door. Smoke clouded around us as we stared off at the sea of cars.

“So, how did you and Tucker meet?”

I glanced over at Lizzy who was flicking her ashes and tugging at the knot in the front of her shirt.

“He came to a diner I used to work at.” It felt a million years in the past but also like I would wake up and be in that shitty trailer. She nodded and didn’t say anything. I think she was waiting for me to elaborate, but I didn’t even know how to continue that story. I was actually surprised she didn’t know it. Maybe Tucker didn’t want to think about me while I was gone.

“You in love?” She glanced over at me, judging my reaction to her question.

“Yeah.” I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t need to. No matter how torn I was about wanting to stay away from Tucker, I knew without a doubt that it was because I loved him.

She smiled and flicked at her cigarette again.

“You love Terry?” I barely knew him, but I still felt like someone should look out for him. Play the protective big sister.

Lizzy shrugged and flicked the butt of her cigarette out onto the blacktop.

“I’m here until he gets tired of me and trades me in for someone else. Come on. The guys are going to be done soon.” She winked and looped her arm in mine. I flicked my cigarette and let her drag me through the giant metal door.

Chapter Four

THE AFTER-PARTY WAS in full effect. The back hallway maze was filled with fans. The room that held the snack table was now just a sea of bodies. Alcohol was flowing from every direction, and I gripped Tucker’s hand to keep from getting lost in the crowd.

“Stay with Lizzy. I’m going to get us a drink.” Tucker spoke loudly into my ear as the guitarist from Filth began strumming a tune. I nodded and smiled over at Lizzy who was making out with Terry and had no idea that I was anywhere near her. I sighed and let go of his hand, the sea of people swallowing him up the moment he took a step away from me. I spotted Eric sitting on the back of a sofa, sipping a bottle of beer. I smiled as his eyes met mine, happy to see a familiar face. I made my way closer to him, wondering why he looked so pissed off.

He nodded his head as I approached, taking another drink.

“Hey,” I said lamely as I turned to look over the crowd.

“Hey. Where’s Tucker?”

I glanced around but couldn’t spot him.

“He went to get us some drinks.” I tucked my hair behind my ear as I stood on my toes to see better.

“Hmm . . .”

“What?” I turned. He shook his head and pointed with the neck of his bottle to a table set up along the far wall, lined with drinks of every variety. Tucker was nowhere in sight. I pulled my eyebrows together as I searched again, wondering where he’d gone, feeling an inexplicable sense of jealousy knot in the pit of my stomach.

Suddenly, two arms wrapped around my body, pulling me back into him. The smell of coconut mixed with beer filled the air around me. He held a bottle out in front of my face as he kissed my neck.

“Have you been smoking?” he asked as he turned me around to face him.

“Where were you?” I asked.

“Bathroom down the hall,” he replied. I glanced back at the spot on the couch where Eric had been sitting, but it was now empty.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” I shook my head, feeling like an idiot. His free hand slid onto my hip bone and pulled my body back against his. I closed my eyes and let my head fall back onto his shoulder. His fingers scrunched the fabric of my dress as his hips slowly began to move with the music from the guitar, grinding into my backside. His breath blew across my neck as his lips hovered dangerously close to my skin. I knew I wasn’t ready to take things further with Tucker, but my mind and my body had two very different ways of thinking. I pushed back against him and he hissed between his teeth.

“God, I missed you.” His lips finally kissed their way up my neck toward my ear. I swallowed hard, not wanting to push him away. My mind was spinning as his fingers splayed over my stomach, and my body tensed involuntarily as I thought of the baby we’d lost. His lips pulled back from me and his forehead rested against the side of my head as he tried to get his breathing under control.

“I’m sorry.” He tightened his grip around my waist and hugged me from behind.

“Don’t be. You didn’t do anything wrong,” I tried to reassure him.

“Get a room.” Chris laughed and both of our heads shot up to see him smiling at us.

“Hey, man,” Tucker said as he released me and came to stand beside me.

I took a long drink from my beer and tried to calm my emotions.

“Where’s Terry?” Tucker asked.

Chris glanced around the room before spotting Lizzy and Terry making out like high schoolers in the corner.

“He’s professing his love to his groupie.” Chris rolled his eyes and laughed, but he didn’t seem very happy.

“She seems nice.” I always had to put my two cents in.

“She would f**k him over in a second. I guarantee it.” He pushed his dark hair back from his face.

“Maybe you’re jealous,” Tucker jabbed. Chris exaggerated his shocked expression.

“Of that? Hell no, man. I am not the marrying kind.” He winked at me and grinned from ear to ear as he took a drink. “Why pick one when I can have a different one every night?” He gestured to the sea of women around him. I made a gagging sound and rolled my eyes, causing Chris to laugh even harder.

“Maybe you just haven’t met the right one,” I added, glancing at Tucker and feeling my cheeks blush.

“I am having too much fun with all the wrong ones.” He glanced back over his shoulder at his brother before sighing. “I miss my brother, though. I haven’t had a moment alone with him since Lizzy showed up.” Tucker patted Chris on the shoulder.

“Let’s get you another drink.” Tucker linked his fingers with mine, and we made our way over to the table that was loaded with alcohol. The guys poured some shots and clinked their glasses together before downing the harsh liquid. I declined on the hard stuff but opted for another beer, feeling myself finally begin to relax.

It wasn’t long before the other band members migrated to us. The guys laughed and drank, stopping to chat with an eager fan. Lizzy joined in and had to lean on Terry to even stay upright. Tucker kept a hand on me, as if he was afraid that I would vanish. I couldn’t blame him, but he didn’t need to worry. I didn’t want to be anywhere but by his side.

A girl flung herself at Chris, clinging to his side like a baby monkey. He smiled down at her, brushing her hair off her forehead in an almost sweet gesture.

“Not a chance.” He peeled her arms from his waist and turned back to the group to continue drinking.

“You are a pig!” I threw a piece of cut-up cheese at him.

“Groupies don’t have feelings.” He shot a glare over to Lizzy who sank deeper into Terry’s side.

“Don’t be a dick.” Terry’s tone was even and calm, but he was serious.

“It’s true.” Chris shrugged, grabbing a few pieces of cheese off the table and popping them into his mouth. “I can prove it.”

All eyes were on Chris as we waited for his brilliant revelation. He continued to eat and poured himself another shot, his eyes glancing up to see us all waiting patiently.

“Not now.” He smiled and everyone groaned. “Who wants another shot?” He yelled and all the guys held out their glasses. I watched as Lizzy pulled back from Terry and whispered something in his ear. He nodded and gave her a quick kiss before she headed out through the crowd. I wanted to go after her and make sure she was okay, but it wasn’t my place. Besides, I wasn’t sure it was possible to break Tucker’s death grip on me.

“Hello?” I glanced away from Lizzie’s back to see Chris holding out a shot glass overflowing with amber liquid.

“Thanks.” I gave him a small smile and took the glass from his hand, smelling it before tipping back my head and letting the alcohol scorch my throat. I slammed the cup on the table and sputtered out a cough, wishing I had something to chase it with.

“Lightweight,” E muttered under his breath and held out a bottle of soda for me to take.

“Thanks,” I said between swallows. He leaned in close enough that I could smell the mixture of soap and alcohol on him.

“If you want to hang with the band, you need to learn how to handle your liquor. Don’t end up like Lezzy.” He pointed off in the distance.

“Lizzy,” I corrected him. He shrugged and rolled his glazed-over eyes.

“Does it matter?”

What the hell was it with these guys? I could only imagine what they must say behind my back. I was grateful that they didn’t do it to my face like poor Lizzy. My heart ached for her.

“Thanks for the tip,” I replied.

“That’s what she said!” Terry was falling over himself with laughter, sloshing beer from his glass as he struggled to catch his breath.

I rolled my eyes and grabbed my shot glass.

“Another?” I knew in the back of my mind that I didn’t need to prove myself to Eric or anyone else, but suddenly I just wanted to fit in, show everyone that I was more than just another groupie.