White Trash Damaged

THE BAND was out the door early to rehearse and discuss the music video they would be shooting next week.

Tucker came back around six in the evening and barely spoke a word to me, but I could see he wasn’t mad. He was concerned about me leaving. Tucker had reservations from the beginning about me reconnecting with my father. He didn’t trust a man who would leave behind everyone he was supposed to love.

“What time is my flight?” I asked as I picked up my sub sandwich and took a bite.

“Nine in the morning.” He took a sip of his soda but didn’t look up at me.

“Three days?”

He nodded as he shoved a handful of chips in his mouth.

“Can you please talk to me? We can’t work through this if we don’t talk. I hate you being mad at me.”

“I’m not mad at you, Cass.” His eyes met mine. “I’m scared you are going to get hurt or taken advantage of by one of the few people who you love. Not that he deserves it.” The muscles in his jaw ticked.

“People change. Look at me. I’m a completely different person now.”

“No, you’re not, Cass. You are the same sweet and loving girl I fell in love with. Your circumstances changed, not who you are.”

“You don’t think he is any different?”

“I hope he is, for your sake.”

We spent the rest of the evening in Tucker’s bunk, wrapped in each other’s arms as we stared up at the pictures taped overhead. There was still so much that needed to be said, but we were both exhausted, physically and emotionally.

“What’s that one from?” I asked, pointing to a picture of him surrounded by a bunch of children ranging in age from toddlers to late teens.

“That’s when we played a free gig for the West Lake Children’s Home. All of those kids were abused, abandoned, or neglected. Every single one of them had a smile on their faces that day. We raised a few thousand dollars for them.”

“That’s amazing. I would have loved to have been there.”

He pulled me tighter into his arms and kissed the side of my head.

“You will be at the next one.”

I twisted to look up at him, his head above mine.

“I promised we’d do it every year. Remind us who we are and how fortunate we are to be doing this.”

“You really are lucky.”

His gaze fell to my lips and back to my eyes as he ran his thumb over my chin.

“I’m the luckiest man on Earth.” He tilted my chin up higher to meet his lips. “I’m going to miss you.”

I laid my head on his shoulder, my arm over his chest. We drifted off to sleep in each other’s arms.

I FELT LIKE I was on another planet leaving Tucker and the band behind to go meet my father. I wished I had Tucker by my side for this, but it was something I needed to do for myself. Tucker couldn’t hold my hand for the rest of my life and he had a very hectic schedule to maintain.

New Orleans was unlike anything I had ever seen. We had some crazy characters on the River Walk in Savannah, but they didn’t hold a candle to the street performers that lined the city here. Everything was painted in bright colors and it looked like the city was in the midst of a party, even though it wasn’t anywhere near a holiday. My eyes danced over the buildings. I promised Eric I would take a picture of the House of the Rising Sun if I saw it, but the cabdriver had no idea what I was talking about.

The driver took me right through the French Quarter at my request. I was eager to see my dad but was so terrified that it would go badly that I was trying to prolong the inevitable as much as possible.

The car crawled at a snail’s pace as we got stuck behind a horse carriage, and tourists stood in the streets to take pictures of the beautiful old balconies covered in bead necklaces.

I glanced down at my cell phone, wanting to call Tucker, but, even after our tender night together, all of the tension between us in the last few weeks made me worry he might be relieved to have a break from me. I wouldn’t blame him. I was sad to admit that getting out of that cramped bus actually felt good. I missed Tucker desperately, though, and that was even more reason to give us some time apart. I didn’t want to rely on him for my happiness or to feel fulfilled. I needed to get that on my own.

As we pulled back out onto the main road I began to think about the other man I was missing in my life, my father. The trip from the quarter to his home was only about five minutes, but it flew by so quickly I wanted to yell at the driver to slow down. My stomach was in knots.

We pulled up to the curb in front of a modest home that was painted a pale yellow with purple trim around the windows. It sat several feet off the ground on large cinder blocks. I got out of the back of the car and paid the cabdriver, clutching my bag to my side. I felt a million miles from home, even though I had no home to speak of.

The screen door opened and an older man stepped out into the sun. I recognized him instantly—he looked exactly as he had when I was young, but his hair was much thinner and his midsection had expanded.

“Welcome home, Cass.” He had a huge smile on his face, and my heart warmed at his words. He held his arms open, and I reluctantly stepped up the front steps and gave him a quick hug. The door opened behind us and out stepped a woman with an enormous round belly. Her hand rested on top of it, and the other hand rested on her lower back.

“Nice to see you, Cass,” she said as if I was just stopping by and had done it a million times before. It was comforting. I held out my hand to shake hers, but she waved it away and pulled me in for a hug. She had deep-brown hair cut off in a bob at her chin and a warm smile.

“I’m June, of course, but you can call me just about anything you like. You’re such a pretty little thing. You didn’t tell me she was so darn pretty!” She looked back at my father who laughed.

“I did too tell her you was pretty. Don’t let her say otherwise.”

“Oh, you know that’s not what I meant. Don’t you go making this girl think we talk bad.” She scolded him, and I laughed, watching their easy, carefree interaction. “Come on in and see your brother. He won’t stop going on and on about you.”

She opened the door and I stepped inside, my eyes scanning the small space. The house smelled of mildew, and the paint was peeling off the walls. It looked yellow, but I think it was just the age. The furniture was a hodgepodge of yard-sale finds and things taken from the trash. A large sign hung on the wall that read Laissez le bon temps rouler. My father’s eyes followed mine and he smiled.

“Let the good times roll.” He patted me on the shoulder. It was fitting. I knew we had more than our share of things to discuss, but for now it felt good just to be in his presence. I wanted to be mad, to scream at him, but it was hard to be mad at someone who had escaped his shitty life to find happiness. That is exactly what I had done. He couldn’t have known how things had gone downhill with Mom.

“Ryley!” June yelled much louder than necessary for the small dwelling. A little boy came out from one of the bedrooms at the back of the house. He had thick deep-brown hair like his mother and blue eyes that matched my father’s and mine. June had green eyes, and I was happy that Ryley seemed to have something from our side of the family. “Come say hi to your sister.”

He was shy, looking down at a large Lego toy in his hands. I sank down on my knees to get to his eye level.

“Hello, Ryley. My name is Cass.” I didn’t feel comfortable telling him I was his sister. It felt a little strange to just fling myself into their family.

“Hi,” he said quietly, still pretending to ignore me, but he glanced up at me to look at my face when he thought I wasn’t looking.

“That looks like a fun toy.”

“Daddy got it for me.” It shouldn’t sting to hear him call my father his own, but it did and I knew I wouldn’t be able to brush the past under the rug. We would have to sit down and work out what had happened in order to move on. I tousled Ryley’s hair, and he ran off to disappear back into the room he had been hiding in.

“He’s a little shy,” June explained, and she made her way into the kitchen and pulled open the fridge. “Sweet tea?”

“Sure. That would be great.”

My father motioned toward the table and I nodded, sitting down at the little table. He took a seat across from me in a mismatched chair.

“Donated,” he explained when he saw me looking it over. “We lost our things in Katrina and had to move here.”

“You lost everything?”

He smiled as June sat down a glass in front of each of us. He put his hand on her stomach and placed a kiss in the center.

“Not everything. We had each other. That was all we needed.”

It was incredibly moving to hear him speak that way. As a child I rarely remember him saying anything that wasn’t derogatory to my mom.

“You seem very happy together.” I took a sip of the tea and gave June a smile. “Thank you.”

“It’s been a struggle. That’s for sure.”

“Did you get help? Didn’t the government send help?”

“They did, princess, but there was so many of us needing help. There was only so much they could do. We got us one of those trailers, but the smell from the material they built it with made June so sick she could hardly get out of bed. We were forced to find somewhere else to go. I lost my job over at the plant. It went underwater, and so I have been helping people get back on their feet and doing odd jobs for local businesses, but as everything got back to normal the work fell off.”

“That’s awful.” I looked at June’s growing belly and thought of my brother in the other room. How were they going to survive? I admired their cautiously optimistic outlook in light of all they were facing. They could have blamed the world, but they stuck together and were happy to have each other. My phone rang and I smiled as Tucker’s name scrolled across the screen.

“Do you mind?” I didn’t want to interrupt as we were finally talking, but I knew Tucker wouldn’t have a lot of free time.

“You take your time, sweetie,” June said with a grin.

I made my way out onto the small front porch and answered the call.

“How was the flight?” I didn’t realize how much I had missed his voice.

“It was great. Really great.”

“How was meeting your dad?”

“Better than I expected. He’s nicer than I remember, and June is really, really sweet. I feel so bad for them.”

“Why would you feel bad for them?”

“They lost everything in that hurricane and are struggling hard to make ends meet.”

He sighed heavily into the phone and didn’t respond.

“What? What’s wrong?”

“Did they ask you for money, sweetheart?”

“No. Of course not.” I didn’t know why I acted like I was offended. I barely knew these people, family or not, and was a little too eager to take up their defense.

“Please tell me if he does. I don’t want him taking advantage of you.”

“Geez, Tucker. Can you take a break from trying to save the day just once? If you’re so worried about me getting hurt, why don’t you tell Donna to f**k off?” I closed my eyes, waiting for the backlash to my comment. I shouldn’t have opened my big mouth. Tucker didn’t need me coming between him and the band, and Donna was now part of that group. I was the outsider. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I am just really tired and overwhelmed.”

“No. You’re right. What do you want me to do, Cass, because I’m getting mixed signals. One minute you’re telling me to stay with the band and the next you’re fighting with me about it. I don’t know what it is you want me to do.”

“Nothing. I don’t want you to do anything. Donna and I will work out whatever our problem is. . . . I’m sorry I brought it up.”

“I know she is a bitch to you. I have talked to her about that. Believe me, there is nothing more that I want than for you two to get along. There needs to be some compromise on both sides.”

I wanted to scream. I didn’t do anything to Donna, and she was making it a point to make our lives miserable, but for once I bit my tongue and agreed with him. There was no use in stressing him out before a show.

June stepped out onto the porch and smiled at me, and I grinned back politely.

“I should go. I’ll call you later.”

“You better. I love you.”

“I love you, too,” I replied and ended the call, looking up at June.

“I didn’t mean to interrupt. I was just going for my evening walk. They say it helps move things along with the baby. Would you like to join me? Your daddy is putting Ryley down for the night.”

“Sure.” I followed her down the uneven steps of the front porch, and we began to walk down the sidewalk.

The air was muggy and I wished I hadn’t worn jeans because they felt like they were sticking to my skin. Anyone who said Georgia heat is comparable to Louisiana had obviously never lived in this place.

“When are you due?” I asked as we continued our slow pace down the old sidewalk.

“I have three more weeks.” She smiled, rubbing over her belly. “Ryley came two weeks late.”

“Yikes.” We both laughed, and some of the tension eased between us. It was odd talking to the woman my father was in love with and not knowing the first thing about her. “Are you from here?”

“Born in raised in Baton Rouge. Moved here about a year before I met your daddy.”

“What can you tell me about him? I don’t remember much from when I was little.”