White Trash Damaged
Page 12“I’m sorry, E.” I let my shoulders sag as I gave him an apologetic glance.
“Why are you sorry?” He shrugged and drank the contents of his cup before crushing it in his fist. “She ain’t shit to me.” He flung the cup on the ground and slipped through the crowd of bodies.
“That really sucks.” I turned my attention back to Tucker who didn’t seem to register any of the conversation with Eric. “What is up with you?”
He took a deep breath as his eyes went unfocused.
“I feel like I can’t protect you with this lifestyle. Every guy I see near you I think is another Jax. This shit was a mistake.” He shook his head as he looked down at his sneakers. I knew he was just drunk and was overreacting, but so was I, and his words sliced through me. My chest felt like it had tightened, and I couldn’t breathe.
“A mistake?” I could barely choke out the words. I couldn’t believe he regretted being here with me. I pushed by him and rounded the table, needing to escape before my tears that threatened to fall spilled over. Everything had gone from great to shit in seconds. It didn’t dawn on me until I reached the darkened parking lot—illuminated by a few sporadic street-lights—that I didn’t have a place to call my own. Where was I even running to? I sighed heavily as I kicked at the loose gravel. It was time to be a grown-up and face my problems. I owed it to Tucker to hash this out and not just disappear.
“Hey,” Tucker called from behind me. I spun around to face him as the door to the back entrance slammed closed. He shoved his hands into jean pockets as he slowly walked toward me. “I know you’re pissed off at me for wanting to take care of you.”
“What? You think that’s why I’m mad? Tucker, you said this was a mistake. You called us a mistake.” My voice wavered as a tear rolled down over my cheek.
“Jesus, Cass. I didn’t mean us.” He closed the space between us with two large strides, wrapping one arm behind my back and gripping the back of my head with his other hand. I squeezed my eyes closed, breathing in a deep lung full of his scent. “I could never regret this. You are everything to me.”
“Then why did you say it?” I asked, looking up to him as I searched for the truth in his eyes.
“I meant coming on this tour. I should have just quit the f**king band like I had planned.” His grip tightened around me.
“What do you mean you planned to leave the band?”
“I told the guys before I left to find you that if you didn’t want to leave, I was going to stay with you. Even if you didn’t want me. I was going to wait for you.”
“Tucker. This band is your life.”
“Not anymore.” His mouth pressed against mine softly, and all of my anger and sadness evaporated with his touch. “I love you, Cass.”
“I love you, too, Tucker.”
“That’s all I need, sweetheart.”
“I think we should lay off on the drinking for the rest of the night,” I joked, and he wrapped his arm over my shoulders and guided me toward the bus.
“I think you should have suggested that a half an hour ago.” He laughed as he stumbled over his own feet. I placed my hand on his stomach to keep him steady.
As we approached the bus we heard a loud bang and what sounded like a growl. Our eyes met as we both looked at each other with confusion.
“What was that?” My feet froze to the ground.
“Wait here. I’ll check it out.” He waited for me to nod that I understood and wouldn’t move. I bounced on my feet nervously as he walked away.
“Tucker!” I whispered loudly from behind him. He turned to look at me, his eyebrows pulled together. “Shouldn’t we just get one of the guards or something?”
Another loud noise came from inside, and it sounded like a wounded animal.
“What is wrong with him?” My drunken memories grew clearer, and I remembered the hurt in Eric’s eyes as he saw Sarah dancing with Derek. “Great. This is my fault.” I threw my hands in the air and walked around Tucker.
“Where do you think you’re going?” he asked as he jogged to my side and gripped my elbow to stop me.
“I’m the one who upset him, now I’m going to fix it.”
“This isn’t your fault, Cass. This was Sarah. I told you how she was.”
“She didn’t do anything wrong. She just danced with a boy.” I crossed my arms over my chest as I became defensive of my friend. “I’m the one who drew attention to it.”
“Sarah and Eric were f**kups long before you came around. That ain’t changing anytime soon.”
“So what’s the plan?” I asked, glancing to the bus.
“I’m going to go in and see if I can’t get him to take his meds. You can wait by the door.” He pressed a kiss into my hair and opened the door to the bus. I took a deep breath and stepped inside.
“Leave me the f**k alone!” Eric was sitting on Tucker’s bunk with his legs on the floor. He was rocking with his hands holding his head.
“Cass, what are you doing in here?” Tucker turned to me. I held up my hands and shrugged. I should have stayed where he asked, but I wanted to help.
“Just f**king go!” Eric yelled, his voice strained. This was not the normal reaction to a broken heart.
“Calm down. We just want to talk to you.” Tucker’s tone was anything but sympathetic, and the last thing we needed was Eric turning his anger on him.
“Take your fairy tale happily ever after shit and get the f**k out of my face.” Eric’s eyes looked vacant.
“So what? No one can be happy if you’re not?” Tucker yelled back, his arms spread out like he was inviting a fight.
“I don’t think yelling at him is going to help anything,” I yelled, and both guys looked at me, surprised by my outburst. “Give me a minute?”
Tucker looked from me to Eric, unsure if he wanted to leave me alone with him while he was upset. Judging by the broken stereo at Eric’s feet, he had already gotten out most of his aggression.
“Five minutes and if I hear any yelling, I am coming in here and kicking his ass.”
Eric snorted at the threat, and Tucker narrowed his eyes, not finding any of this amusing.
“Thank you.” I gave Tucker a quick kiss on the cheek and waited for him to leave the bus. Eric stared at the broken and mangled plastic on the floor.
I wrung my fingers together as I stepped over the mess and took a seat on the bunk in front of him.
“I’ve actually been wanting to have a conversation with you, one-on-one.”
Eric looked up at me and dropped his gaze to the floor.
“I don’t want me being here to affect the band, and if that is the case, I’m happy to leave.”
“You know, Sarah likes you. Things between her and Derek are complicated.”
“I’m aware of her situation with Derek,” he replied quietly.
“Maybe you could talk to him.”
“I know you are trying to help, but I don’t need it or want it. You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
This time I laughed.
“Which part don’t I understand? The jealous ex-boyfriend? Uncontrollable anger and violent tendencies? Or being in love with someone you can’t be with?”
He looked up again, nodding in understanding. There was a long pregnant pause as I pushed around a piece of the radio with my foot.
“She’s perfect for me. She’s funny and beautiful and she doesn’t look at me like I’m some raging ass**le.”
“No one thinks you’re an ass**le.”
He raised an eyebrow, and I giggled, nodding my head.
“Okay, that isn’t entirely true, but they all love you. You wouldn’t be a part of this band if they didn’t.”
“They won’t if I keep doing shit like this.”
“So stop.”
“It’s not that simple, Cass.”
“Yes, it is. Do you want to lose everything? Your band? Your friends?”
“This band is my entire life.”
“Then you need to act like it.”
The door to the bus opened, and Tucker stepped inside, clearing his throat. I pushed up from the bunk and placed my hand on Eric’s shoulder.
“Thank you,” he said, and I could see in his eyes he was sincere. I smiled and made my way to the front of the bus.
Chapter Ten
THE NEXT FEW weeks flew by as the guys played concert after concert. One show blurred into the next, every city looked the same, and my body was screaming for a break from the constant travel. I wouldn’t change a thing though. After Eric and I talked, the band seemed to be growing closer, and I felt like I fit in with all of them. Sarah and I spent our free time shopping and just hanging out while the guys continued to work out the logistics of bringing a new manager on board. Sarah had confided in me that she and Derek were trying to work things out, and I was happy for her, but worried about how Eric would react when he found out.
“You think she’s pretty?” Sarah doodled in her notebook as I tried to figure out the last line of my poem.
“Who?” I tapped my pen against my paper to the beat of my song. The guys had been practicing the song I wrote for weeks, and tonight they were finally going to play it in front of a crowd.
“Come on. I’m sure she’s just another Dorris.”
“You’re not the slightest bit worried?”
“Nope.”
“You’re a better woman than I am.” She went back to doodling, and I glanced up at her, chewing on my lip. I hadn’t given the new manager much thought, but now the seed of doubt had been planted. I already knew she wasn’t thrilled about Tucker bringing his girlfriend on the road, but he assured me that he had made it clear I won’t be going anywhere and that I was earning my keep with song lyrics.
“How bad could she be? It’s not like the guys are going to put up with any bullshit. I trust their judgment.” But I knew Tucker had major reservations about hiring her. If things started off rocky, I was going to grit my teeth and deal with it because I had pushed him to do what was best for the band, regardless of her opinion about me being on tour with them.
“You’re probably right. What you and Tucker have doesn’t come around often.”
“Everything okay with you and Derek?” Sarah was being unusually negative.
She stopped drawing and sniffled.
“What’s going on? You know you can talk to me.” It felt good to be a friend to someone. Sarah had been a tremendous help as I adjusted to this new lifestyle.
“He’s been really distant, and I know our on again–off again relationship has been hell on the band. If I have to choose between him and our future, I feel like I have to follow my dreams.”
“I’m so sorry, Sarah.”
“We should get ready. I have to rehearse soon.”
I nodded, and we didn’t speak anymore about her relationship falling apart. I could tell there was more going on than what she was saying, but she wasn’t ready to share it, so I didn’t push. I knew how that felt.
I grabbed my new bag of makeup from under the bathroom sink, and we got to work on getting ourselves concert ready. I was warming up to doing all of the girly rituals that I had avoided for most of my life. It felt good to take care of myself, to try to look my best. Sarah painted herself in heavy black eyeliner and dark lipstick, while I made myself look natural and fresh faced. Our styles were polar opposites, but I couldn’t imagine finding a better friend or confidante in anyone else.
“You want to borrow one of my dresses?” she asked as she shook out her hair. I rolled my eyes and carefully applied clear lip gloss to my mouth.
“Tucker would have a fit. You remember the little black dress incident.” I laughed.
“You looked hot, and from what I remember he couldn’t keep his hands off you.” She cocked an eyebrow at my reflection in the mirror of the tiny bathroom.
“Neither could that pervert at the after-party.” I ran my fingers through my hair, pulling it over my shoulder as I inspected my face.
“So now you dress according to how some loser acts? Tucker is a great guy, but it isn’t his decision, and it’s not his job to protect you from the world. You’re a big girl. You can take care of yourself.”
My memories flashed to Jax and my inability to stand up for myself with him. If it hadn’t been for Tucker, I probably wouldn’t have survived that last night with him. But that threat was long gone, and I couldn’t continue to live my life being worried about the rest of the world.
“What did you have in mind?”
“Really?” She practically squealed as she pulled me from the bathroom and we made our way to her bus to find something to wear. I loved dressing up more than I let on. It reminded me of the day Tucker took me to Scarlett’s and bought me that beautiful dress, our first unofficial date. It was the first time in a very long time that I had felt beautiful. I had closed myself off to people, but that night Tucker had convinced me to dance with him and I enjoyed myself more than I had in years.
After a half an hour of rummaging through her mountain of clothing, we decided on a sweet little flowy black skirt and matching black T-shirt that was skintight and revealed a tiny sliver of skin at the waist. Sarah changed into head-to-toe black as well, but she completed her look with ripped black fishnet stockings and army boots.