While We Waited

He turns to face me. “What was your real name?” he asks.

“It doesn’t matter. That name isn’t who I am anymore.”

“You don’t want to tell me?”

I heave a sigh. “It was Madelyn. Maddie is what my mom called me.”

He stares at me like he’s memorizing my features.

“I used to have nightmares about falling all the time. I would wake up in the middle of the night and call out for Emilio. He’d come and grouse around long enough to convince me that no one would dare harm one of his girls or they’d have to deal with him, and that I could go back to sleep because he would always protect me. So one night I told him how I dream about falling, and he said I needed to be a bird because birds don’t fall. We looked out the window and saw a finch, and I became Finch.”

“It suits you. Still hard getting used to calling my sisters by their new names, though. That might take me some time.”

“Secretly, I think they like knowing you’re here and that you know their pasts. They love you.”

“If I had known about Star and what happened to her…” His voice trails off as he clenches his fists.

I kiss his cheek. “You had no way of knowing.” I turn him to face me. “And she’s happy now. Really happy.”

“She’s going to be a mom,” he says on a slow exhale.

“Crazy, right?” I laugh. The room goes silent. “Can I ask you something?”

He brushes a lock of hair back from my face. “You can ask me anything.”

“How did you meet Julia?”

He scoots back on the bed and leans against the headboard, extending his legs down the length of the bed. He pats his lap, and I lay my head down across his legs with my face up, pointing toward the ceiling. He pulls my hair from beneath me and starts to drag his fingers down the length of it. I stifle a moan because it feels so good.

“When I was nineteen, I met a preacher in our community. He ran an after-school program for kids who didn’t have a lot of money or didn’t have a good home life or whatever. I knew Julia vaguely from school, and he was Julia’s father. Anyway, he offered me a lifeline and I took it.” He points to his chin. “When I showed up with a busted chin, he took me to get it stitched. And when I had a black eye, he gave me an ice pack. And he let me talk while he listened, really listened. And he taught me about religion and faith and redemption, and all the facets of religion that were as necessary to me as breathing by this time. When I had nothing else, I still had faith.”

“Where is he now?”

“He died right after Julia and I got married.”

I jerk upright. “You’re married?”

He shakes his head quickly. “Not anymore,” he rushes to say. “We divorced right before Benji was born.”

“Why did you divorce?”

He shrugs. “We were too young, and she wanted to go to college, so she didn’t want our baby.”

“But she’s his mother!”

“Yes.”

“But she gave him up…?”

“She did what she thought was in his best interests. She wasn’t ready to be a mom.”

“Were you ready to be a dad?” I ask.

He nods. “I was. I remember my dad. He was awesome. He tossed the ball with me, and made me put on ties to go to social events. He taught me what it means to be a husband and a father, which was why it was so hard living with my uncle. My uncle was the antithesis of my father. He was evil and mean and he couldn’t love anyone.”

“And you want to be the kind of dad your dad was?” I lay my head back down on his leg and I feel him go soft under me.

“Yeah, I hope so.”

“So what was the money for?”

“Before he was born, Julia had made arrangements with a family to adopt Benji. I was away on the mission trip I told you about, and she didn’t have anyone to turn to. The adoptive family promised to put her through college, which is pretty common in adoption situations, particularly when the parents are young. She had her head set on going to school, and she didn’t want to give that up. So I promised that I would get the money and give it to her in exchange for Benji. That’s why I came to find Star and Wren.”

I roll over to face him a little, propping my head on my upturned palm on his lap. “So all that was a setup?” That part still irks me.

“Not really. I mean, I did want to see them. But I also needed the money, and they were my only chance.”

“You are Benji’s father. You shouldn’t have had to pay for him!”

He winces. “I know. But I truly did want her to be happy. I loved her.”

My gut clenches. “Are you…still in love with her?”

He rocks his head back and forth like he’s deciding. “I think part of me will always have feelings for her, but it’s not…well…never mind.”

I sit up and face him. “It’s not what?”

“When Julia and I got married, I remember standing before the Justice of the Peace and thinking to myself, am I doing the right thing? But I did it anyway, because I loved her and I wanted to spend my life with her. But then once we were married, it wasn’t what I expected. She was often sullen, and no matter what I did it didn’t get better. So I spent all my time trying to make sure she was happy. It was exhausting.”

“Then you left.”