What's Left of Me

“And”—she nudges me with her shoulder—“Jason said he’s single.”

I shake my head at her, but smile. “I’m not looking for anything.”

“I know. You always say that, but when are you going to be looking for something? It’s okay to date, Aundrea. To go out. Have fun.”

“I go out.”

“I mean with a guy.”

“I do.”

“Who is not your friend.”

“I don’t want complications. I have enough going on.” I’ve tried dating, but it causes too many complications, so I avoid it as much as possible.

“Aundrea.”

“Please, Genna. Can we drop this? No one wants to date a girl with cancer.”

I don’t want to get out of bed. It’s chemo day. I’m thankful my appointment is in the morning. It’s bad enough that I have to spend more than three hours there; it’s better to just get it over with.

After throwing on some jean capris and a basic coral t-shirt, I make sure to grab my phone and Kindle. I don’t bother applying any makeup besides a little concealer around my eyes and mascara.

Genna told me she was heading to the car, so I quickly make my way to the kitchen to pour myself a mug of coffee for the road. Slipping on my black ballerina flats, I make my way out into the chilly morning air.

“Why are we leaving an hour early?” I ask as I make my way in.

“Because Jason forgot a couple of charts he brought home over the weekend. He called when he got in asking me to drop them off on our way.”

Awesome.

I watch as she reaches to turn the radio down. Family time: this can’t be good!

“Did you talk to Mom and Dad at all?”

“Briefly,” I say. “Before I went to bed.”

“And?”

“Nothing. Both said they wish they could be here. I don’t know why, though. I mean …” I pause, trying to find the right words. “They would just sit next to me for a couple hours being bored, then watch me get sick. Not the way I’d want to spend my time.”

The first chemo treatment is the worst as far as throwing up and nausea go. Doesn’t matter what type of cancer you have or what type of drugs they use the first time. The doctors don’t really know what they’re doing. Okay, that’s not true. They do; but it’s trial and error. They don’t know how you’ll react to the drugs or the dosage. They just administer them, see how you react, and adjust as needed.

Yup, sounds fun, doesn’t it?

“They do, you know. Wish they could be here.”

“I know.”

And I do. With all my heart. My parents are amazing. They’ve always been there for me, before and during this entire process. It hit my mom the hardest when she couldn’t get vacation time from her new job to come with me, but she knows I’m with Genna, which I think is the only reason she didn’t take a leave of absence.

The medical bills are never-ending, so my mom couldn’t afford to work part-time anymore. She needed to switch to full-time at her current job, as well as take on a second part-time job to help out.

The expenses related to the Hodgkin’s lymphoma have thrown my parents into bankruptcy. My dad’s insurance wasn’t the best, with a high deductible and an even higher maximum out-of-pocket. No matter how many times my parents pleaded with facilities for a payment plan, it always came back to them wanting ten percent a month. Ten percent of thousands of dollars from multiple places adds up quickly. Eventually, they lost their house, so we moved into a three-bedroom mobile home that had just the right amount of space for the three of us. To this day, I feel awful for all the financial stress, being the cause of them losing everything they worked hard for.

My parents never show it, though. You’d never know any of it by just looking or talking with them. It’s as if losing their home or living paycheck to paycheck hasn’t affected them. They always smile, never fight, and are willing to get me or my sister anything we need.

We pull into the parking lot of For the Love of Paws. It’s a little after eight, so only a few cars are around.

Genna makes her way into the building. I don’t follow.

After five minutes, Shannon opens the door yelling for me to come in.

Holding the door open for me, she gives me a sweet smile. “Hey.”

“Hi.”

Making my way into the small, quiet waiting area, I look around. There’s only one person waiting with her pet carrier. I can hear dogs barking and cats meowing from down the hall where they keep the animals overnight for surgery.

They’re speaking my language. I know what it’s like to be held in a place you don’t want to be.

“Did Genna get lost? The place isn’t that big.”

“No. Someone Jason went to school with is here with her dog. I guess Genna wanted to say hi. She went in with him.” Great. One thing I’ve learned over the years is that Genna likes to talk. A lot. She also likes details, especially if she hasn’t seen someone for a while.

I glance down at my watch. I have forty minutes until I need to check-in. I’ll be here a while.

I make my way over to the fake granite desk that Shannon sits behind, glancing down the hallway as I do. I know Parker is here somewhere. A part of me hopes to see him while the other part wants to avoid him at all cost.

The side door opens. Looking over Shannon’s shoulder, I come face to face with the person I was just thinking about.

“Good morning Shannon,” he says. “Aundrea.” He says my name with a slight nod before turning to his right and heading down the hall.

Hmm. Not the reaction I was expecting. Wait, what was I expecting?

“How do you know Parker?” she asks, giving me a sideways glance.

It all becomes clear now. I don’t know how I didn’t put two and two together before. The night at the bar. Shannon talking to Parker. They work together. She wasn’t flirting with him. This revelation makes me smile. Not that I should smile because I don’t care. Right? No. I don’t. Okay, maybe a little.

“Oh, I met him at Genna and Jason’s the other night. He came over for dinner.” I try to say it nonchalantly.

“He’s so hot. Hey! If you work here, you can join me in eyeing him all day. He’s great man candy!”

Shaking my head, I say, a little too irritated, “Um … no. He’s not that hot. And no, I won’t be working here.” I bite my lip, hoping I sound convincing.

Apparently I don’t. She gets a look of recognition. “Oh, does someone already have a crush on the new doctor?”

“No.” I shake my head in disgust.

“Uh huh. Right.”

“I’m just going to go find Genna now.”

She laughs behind me.

I make my way back to Jason’s office. His door is locked. I can hear voices two rooms down, which I believe is where the other exam rooms are. I scoot down the wall, resting on the floor with my head back against the wall, deciding to sit here in the peace and quiet until Genna comes out.

I take my Kindle from my purse so I can get in a chapter or two of this paranormal romance book I can’t seem to get enough of. I’m right at the spot where she’s about to find out who—or what—he really is, when somebody clears their throat. I peek up to see Parker standing there in all of his hot gloriousness. “Hello, Aundrea.” Reaching down, he takes my hand and helps me to my feet.

Parker reaches behind me to unlock the door, then pushes it open and motions me through. I walk past him into Jason’s office. The office is different from when I last saw it. There’s a cherrywood desk directly in front of me with two small, cream-colored chairs sitting directly across from a big black leather chair with a white coat hanging on the back. A small laptop and bronze desk lamp sit next to a tiny green and white plant in a round antique silver base. To my right is a small bookshelf filled with books, a silver digital clock and a picture frame of Parker standing with two other men and one woman.

I turn around quickly at the sight of the picture. “This is your office?” I ask Parker who is just watching me intently.

“Yes.”

“But this was Jason’s.”

“Yes, was. He is now down the hall.” He doesn’t elaborate any further and I don’t ask questions.

“Okay. Well, I better go. I was waiting for Genna. We have plans and we need to get going.”

“They’re just finishing up. Maybe five more minutes? Have a seat. Talk to me for a minute.”

I make my way past a big green plant by the door as I move to sit in one of the chairs. “You want to talk, so talk.” My tone comes out more annoyed than I intend, but I don’t correct it.

Parker closes the door, then walks over and sits on the desk right next to me, completely ignoring the two empty chairs in the room. “I’d like to talk to you about working here. I have a feeling the tutoring”—he makes air quotes as he says “tutoring”—“was fabricated. I hope not on my account?” He quirks an eyebrow up.

“I can’t work around you,” I say truthfully.

“Why not?”

Because with one taste I want more. Then, when I do, the satisfied feeling that overtakes me is an electric high. Something I can’t get enough of.

“You know why.”

“No. Please enlighten me.” He sits back on the desk, crossing his arms in front of him. That stupid sexy grin is back and I want to slap it right off.

“I don’t have to explain myself. It wouldn’t be right working here. Not after we …” I don’t elaborate. I don’t think I need to explain to him what we did.

“After we what, Aundrea?” He leans forward, bringing his face close to mine.

I watch his mouth as he talks, and think how sexy his lips are, poking through the short whiskers that frame his mouth. His beautiful mouth.

Get it together, Aundrea.

“I’m real—”

Cutting me off, he quickly adds in a low, hoarse whisper, “Before you say no again, let me tell you that I’ll be on my best behavior the entire time.” I watch as he puts his hands up in the air, as if in a freezing motion, with his lips in a straight line.

“You won’t try to make a move on me?”

“No.” A grin is forming on his face.

“Not once?”

“Well …” The grin becomes wider. I raise my eyebrows at him, and he sighs. “Okay. Okay. I won’t make a move after you agree.”

“Promise?”

“Scouts’ honor.” He holds up two fingers. I’m pretty sure the Scout salute is three fingers.

Standing up from the chair, I bend to pick up my purse. I need to move away from him. Get some space. I can feel the heat coming off of him and I can’t think straight with him so close to me.

Before I can reach my purse, Parker grasps my arm and pulls me toward him. He gets a grip on my waist, twisting me into him and locking his mouth to mine while bringing his right hand behind my head, holding me in place. My hands come up to his chest to push him back, but as I feel his tongue push into my mouth, deepening the kiss, I lose all control and lean into him. I grip his shirt, pulling him closer to me. Our mouths move together while our tongues continue to explore.