What's Left of Me

I hate saying that. My room. It doesn’t feel like my room. It feels more like a prison.

“Are you going to unpack?” It’s been eight days since I moved in.

“Soon.” I’m not sure I’m ready to unpack every box, making my stay here permanent.

She nods in agreement, frowning at the boxes stacked on top of one another. Genna is a neat freak, so I doubt she’s fond of my decorating style.

“We can paint it if you'd like.” She gestures toward the beige walls, still not looking at me.

Beige. It’s such a mundane color. This is the only room in their three-bedroom house that is lacking in color. The rest of the house is filled with vibrant colors, making the rooms feel full of life. Maybe that’s why she gave this one to me?

“It's fine,” I reply, looking around at the walls.

Genna sighs softly, but she doesn’t speak. She doesn’t need to. I know she knows that it’s not fine. We’re women. Women don’t use the word fine literally.

“Genna, thank you.” I feel as if I should say more, so I add, “For everything.” For some reason, I think I should also say some words of encouragement to take that sad look off her face, but nothing more comes.

She leans her head on my shoulder as she takes my right hand into hers, lacing our fingers together. “Dre, whatever you need, or want, just tell me. I want you to be comfortable here. Don't feel like you can't make any changes. This is your room and your home, despite what you say or think. Jason and I want you to be comfortable. You can decorate this room, paint it, or do whatever you want. We just want you to be happy.”

I don't respond. I don't have the heart to tell her that I’m trying. I’m trying to be happy, but I don’t know how. Not anymore.

Genna has the most positive outlook on life, and sometimes I think her heart is truly made of gold. She’s seven years older than me and has always been my protector. My parents tried to have a baby for four years before they looked into adoption. It was almost two years to the date when the agency called, saying they had a newborn baby girl for them, in China. My parents wanted a fast, smooth adoption, and the agency told them China would give them that. It was more expensive, but money was no object when it came to them wanting a baby.

After they’d gotten the news, they’d hopped on a flight and returned three weeks later with Genna. My parents had thought their dreams of being a family were complete until the day my mom found out she was pregnant with me. To this day, my parents call me their miracle baby.

Despite not being blood related, Genna is my big sister in every way. We don’t need to have the same blood to be family, which is why we have matching tattoos on our feet. Sisters by Chance, Friends by Choice.

“Come on.” She stands up from the bed, gesturing for me to follow. “It’s time to get dinner started. You can help chop veggies.”

Standing, I follow her downstairs to the kitchen. She’s a fantastic cook. I don’t know why she didn’t go to culinary school to become a chef, rather than a substitute teacher. Genna is the perfect wife. She spends her free time volunteering or baking.

Opening the fridge, I grab a bottle of water and the carrots, celery, bell peppers, and cucumbers that are sitting in the bottom drawer.

“What are you cooking?” I ask, making my way over to the center island.

“Oh, just trying out this new chicken recipe I found.” She gives me a warm smile before stuffing her nose into her recipe book. “What time do you need to be at the hospital tomorrow?”

Hospital. I’m starting to hate that word.

“Noon. The procedure is at one.”

I have to get my chemo port put back in to restart my therapy.

Chemo sucks. The movies only show you a small fraction of what really happens. It’s three, sometime four, hours of sitting in a chair, hooked up to a machine in order to receive the drugs you need. It’s a feeling of being vulnerable … helpless. A sense of losing all control. It’s a feeling of handing over your faith and hope to someone other than God, giving your trust to your doctors and the drugs that are being pumped into your veins.

With my past treatment, the fatigue was the hardest for me to handle. I was always too tired to hang out with my friends, sit down for dinner with my parents, or enjoy a conversation with someone without wanting to fall asleep. I’m not looking forward to that this time around.

“Sounds good. Chemotherapy starts on Wednesday then?”

“Yeah.”

We continue preparing the food in silence. Her stuffing chickens, me chopping vegetables.

I’m sitting at the counter looking through the most recent celebrity gossip magazine while dinner cooks, when Jason comes back from his bike ride.

“Hello, ladies. It smells good in here.”

It does smell good. A mixture of lemon, butter, and spices.

Jason bends to give Genna a quick kiss on the cheek. When he stands tall, he looks at me. “Did you help?” he asks with a hint of amusement in his voice. He knows I can’t cook for shit.

“I made the salad. Your wife did the rest. She made a lot, too, so you better have built up an appetite on that bike.”

“She didn’t tell you? The new veterinarian I hired for the clinic is coming over for dinner tonight.”

Setting the knife down, I give Jason my full attention. He’s leaning back against the counter, chugging a Bud Light as if it were water. That man must have been thirsty.

Jason is actually quite attractive. He’s tall, lean, and clean-cut, with short, chocolate brown hair. He’s not muscular, but well-toned. And whiter than white. You’d think he never goes out in the sun. However, he does make drinking a bottle of beer appealing. He reminds me of a Bud Light ad.

“You didn’t tell me you hired someone!”

I watch as he chugs the remainder of his beer, then rests the empty bottle next to him.

“Yeah, the intern from Florida Genna told you about.”

“The hot one?”

He laughs.

“Yes, the hot one,” he says between chuckles. “I hired him. Not for his good looks, or charms, but because he had some great ideas and strong feelings about becoming partner, so I let him go in on the place.”

“That’s awesome! I can’t believe no one told me!”

Not that anyone has to tell me. With Genna and I being so close, I figured it would have come up in one of our conversations prior to me moving here.

“It just happened within the last week. With getting you moved in, there was just too much going on. I like him. The staff does too. Genna met him briefly a while back. We thought it would be nice to have him over tonight to celebrate his kick-off. Tomorrow marks his first week as Dr. Jackson with For the Love of Paws,” he says, grinning.

“Jason, that’s so exciting! I’m happy for you.”

Genna walks into the kitchen. I watch as she goes to the cabinet to take out plates.

“What are you happy about?” she asks, taking out the last square black plate.

“Him hiring the intern. That’s awesome.”

“Oh, yes. For the clinic and for the ladies.”

“See?” Jason shakes his head. “The looks! The women only want him for his looks.”

“Honey, those poor women only have you to look at all day. And you’re married. They need the fresh meat.” She smiles at him innocently.

“What? I’m not enough to look at?” he jokes, acting as if he’s hurt.

“Baby, you are more than enough to look at. But I don’t feel like taking my claws out on my friends.”

I laugh at the small banter between the two.

“Aundrea, Jason was telling me last night he’s thinking of hiring some part-time help. I thought that might be something you’d want to do?” she questions, walking into the dining room.

“Yeah, I mean, it’s nothing special. Help with cleaning, filing, and maybe phones?” Jason adds.

“I thought you’d want to do something. You know, when you’re feeling good between treatments. Get out of the house,” Genna says, shrugging as she walks back into the kitchen.

“That might be good,” I say.

And it might.

I run back upstairs to change into something a little more appropriate for company. Leaving my pink tank top on, I slip off my extremely short cheerleading shorts and put on comfy yoga pants. Going into the bathroom, I apply a little concealer and mascara.

I readjust my wig until it sits correctly, then clip it into place. I’m lucky that this wig has built in clips to grip onto your hair. It’s the only reason it stayed attached to my head last night with Parker. Or was it this morning, technically? It’s made specifically for hair that is growing back. I prefer longer wigs, but they don’t look as realistic as the short ones. I’ve had this one since the beginning of August. Before that, I was a bleach blonde. It’s kind of fun to be someone else for a while. To feel like someone else.

As I finish running a brush through my hair, the doorbell rings. I make sure the last of my strands are in place before turning off the light and heading downstairs.

Just as I’m about to head downstairs, my phone goes off.

Jean: Hey. Sorry, I forgot to text you. I made it back safely. Have a good night. Talk to you soon. xo

Me: Have a good night. :)

When I reach the bottom of the staircase, Genna is talking to someone whom I assume is the new guy. His back is to me, and he’s leaning with one shoulder against the wall where the living room joins the dining room. He’s tall and has short hair that looks wet from a recent shower. Dressed in dark, washed out jeans that hug his body in all the right places, and a green t-shirt, he looks yum-o!

Jason clears his throat next to me. Embarrassed at being caught checking out his new employee, I laugh nervously.

“Not you too?” he asks. His eyes stay where mine are placed. Him.

“What?”

“All the girls at the office think he is so dreamy.” He drags out the “so” as he brings his hands up to his chest while lifting his shoulders slightly, displaying a cheesy grin.

I burst out laughing. It’s the voice I hear next that stops me, causing me to choke mid-laugh.

“Sorry I’m a little late.”

I recognize that voice.

His right hand comes up to run his fingers through his hair. That looks familiar too.

I know that hand.

I know those fingers. All too well.

This. Is. Not. Good.

“Oh, don’t be silly. You’re just fine. How was your day?” my sister asks. My sister! He’s talking to my sister! I need to get out of here fast.

“To say I had an interesting day would be an understatement.”

I don’t move. He’s turning around.

Move!

He’s still speaking, but I don’t pay attention to anything he says. I just watch his mouth move as he follows my sister into the living room. That’s when I see his face.

“Fuck. Me,” I whisper loud enough for Jason to hear.

Jason starts laughing so loudly it causes me to jump. I forgot he was still standing next to me. “Oh, Aundrea, you’re going to fit in perfectly with the girls,” he says, continuing to laugh as he wraps his arm around my shoulders. I can feel his body shaking with every laugh.