What's Left of Me

“I didn’t think you were, but thank you.”

He nods.

I look out through the open doorway and into the empty hallway, when he says, “You think it’s fair not to tell him? I’m not blind. I see how he looks at you and vice versa.”

“I’ll tell him.” Someday.

The following day, I overhear Jason having the same conversation with Parker as he did with me yesterday.

I know there is something between us that is more than friends, but I can’t admit it ... won’t admit it. We’ve shared almost everything there is to share when you’re getting to know someone, except the biggest thing about me. He can sense it, too. When he gets too personal about my life, I back away. I’m scared. Scared to fully give myself to him, to show him what lies beneath. I can’t take his pity or sympathy, which is why I can’t tell him about my cancer. I just know that when he learns about it he’ll walk away.

I’m too selfish right now. I want him around. He makes it worth getting up every day: to see his smile and his winks; even to be called his pet names. I look forward to the light knee bumps at lunch, the walks to my car after work, and even the late-night phone calls. He brings out a side of me that feels worthy.

He makes this battle feel worth fighting.

He makes me feel alive.

Parker makes me forget. As much as I’d like to think that I need him, I know it’s more that I want him. I want him around. He gives me hope.

“Are you coming with me to the Halloween party on Saturday?” he asks me on Tuesday afternoon. We’re sitting in his office eating lunch while Bryn helps Jason with an emergency walk-in. A dog got hit by a car and was left in the ditch up the road by the driver. Someone saw the entire thing happen and brought the dog to us. Parker offered his assistance, but Jason said it was a clean break and he could do it alone. I’ve never understood how people can be so cruel. To humans or animals. Karma. That’s all I can say.

“I’m not sure yet.” I pick at my tuna and bacon sub. I have to go to my chemotherapy tomorrow. I thought about calling Dr. Olson and asking to give it another week, but my mom yelled at me for even thinking such a thing. I get it. It’s silly and stupid. I can’t deny it would be nice, though, if I could pick and choose when my treatments would be.

“The clinic is renting a limo to take everyone to the hotel together. We’ll already be stopping at your place for Jason and Genna, and there will be plenty of room, so let me know if you want to ride along.”

“Wouldn’t it be more fun to surprise one another? Not know what the other is going as. Think of how exciting it would be to search each other out.” I give him a wicked grin.

I’m giving him hope that I’ll be there, and I can’t help but wish for it myself. It’s kind of sad that I’m hoping my blood counts are still low so I can go. When did I get to the point of wishing to stay sick to spend more time with a guy, rather than getting better to spend more time with him?

He sets his sub down. Turning, he looks at me with fire in his eyes. “I love a good treasure hunt, Aundrea.”

Bringing my hand up, I cup the side of his face. Touching my lips to his, I give him a chaste kiss. “I’ll try to make it. I promise.”

“Thank you.”

The nurse takes blood samples, then ushers them off to the lab. I’m instructed to wait with my friend—the blue chair—until they get the results and word from Dr. Olson. The nurses are the ones who administer the drugs under the doctor’s order. There are doctors around, but because Dr. Olson mainly works at the university, they call her for orders.

“Are you okay?” Genna asks.

“Yeah. I just want to get this over with.”

We sit in silence. Genna is flipping through a magazine while I spend my time looking around. The place is packed today. Men and women of different ages are seated throughout. Some are alone; some are with people, talking and laughing. It’s always interesting who you can see when people watching, especially in a place like this. There are those who keep to themselves and those who chat away with anyone and everyone.

Across from me is a little girl sitting with a couple that I assume are her parents. She can’t be more than ten. She’s so tiny, but beautiful, even with no hair. Her big brown eyes look up at her mom as she reads to her. Her dad is talking with the nurses and I overhear that it’s her fifth treatment. She looks over at me and flashes the biggest smile I’ve ever seen. It breaks my heart knowing she probably goes through the same things I do, but is so much younger. As I’m returning her smile, the nurse returns.

“Okay, my dear. I’ve spoken with Dr. Olson. Your white cells are better, but they’re still lower than she’d like. She doesn’t want to put chemo off another week, but doesn’t want to do it today.”

“What does that mean?” Genna asks.

“Well, she wants to give Aundrea a little more time for the Neulasta to work and do her next chemo in five days. That should help bring the numbers up. We’ll check again on Monday, and if the numbers are higher, we’ll administer the drugs then.”

“I’m okay with that.” I start to stand up, but Genna pushes me back down.

“Wait,” she says, not looking at me, but at the nurse. “What does this mean for her cancer? Isn’t putting this off further going to set her back? I want her to be healthy enough for treatments, but I’m thinking long term.”

Sighing, I wait for the nurse to answer. I know I should care, but I don’t. Just hearing I get to have the weekend with Parker is all that’s on my mind.

“Her markers are doing really well. She’s responded well with the first two rounds. We’re hopeful the last two will be all she needs, but we need her body to be able to handle it, or else it won’t work. Right now, it’s better for Aundrea’s body to prepare itself for what’s to come.”

What’s to come. I don’t like the sound of that.

I call Jean on the way home to let her know I’m coming to visit.

“You’re going to come here?” Jean’s voice carries through the other line.

“Don’t act so surprised.”

“Sorry, I’m not. Well, just a little. What about chemo?”

“It’s on hold until Monday. Counts were low, again. But, on the bright side, I get to go to the Halloween benefit with Parker.”

Genna’s lips curl up slightly when she hears me say his name.

“That’s awesome! Well, not about the treatment, but that you get to go.”

“Yeah! I’m excited. I need your help though.”

I explain about the dress and makeup I need for my costume. She tells me not to worry about buying anything because she’s sure her sorority sisters have exactly what I need.

I pack quickly and send Parker a quick message to let him know I have to go out of town for a couple days, and I’m sorry about the benefit. I want to surprise him, so I make sure that Genna tells Jason not to spill the beans.

He seemed a little upset that I said I couldn’t go.

I’ll just have to make it up to him.

Chapter Fourteen

I make my way through the hotel lobby and down the long hallway leading to the double doors of the ballroom. The lighting fills the hall with an orange glow. The textured tan walls are lined with white and gray cotton spider webs with black plastic spiders, letting me know I’m heading in the right direction.

When I make my way through the double doors, my breath catches. For a Halloween themed event this place is strikingly beautiful. There is a large, sheer white ceiling cover that drapes across the entire ceiling and flows down the walls and doorways. Orange and white lights twinkle throughout the fabric, giving off a dim glow. Black tablecloths cover the high top tables, displaying tall vases filled with different assortments of flowers in whites and oranges. Small round candles circle the vases.

To my left are multiple round tables covered in white linen with black and orange chair covers and the same flower centerpieces, where I assume the dinner will be served. I am amazed at the venue and all that went into this event.

I make my way toward the closest vacant table and set my purple clutch down, trying to find Jason and Genna. Genna insisted she and Jason match, so they went as a God and Goddess; their togas make them easy to spot in the crowd.

From the large centerpiece hang oval jewels and a mixture of plastic spiders, skulls, and ghosts. I can only imagine what this all cost.

Looking around the room, I see various shapes of jack-o-lanterns and gravestones laid out around the floor outlined in lights. There is a DJ in the back corner by a small dance floor, which is filled with a wide range of costumes from bunnies and angels to zombies, pirates, and action heroes.

I look for Parker, but don’t spot him right away. It’s when I notice Bryn—dressed as a racer in a very short yellow dress with black racing stripes down the side and her cleavage popping out— that I find him. He’s dressed as a prisoner in a bright orange jumpsuit. They’re in the center of the dance floor—together. Her arms are around his neck and his are around her waist. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say they were a couple. Pushing my jealous thoughts back, I begin to walk away. Just as I’m turning around, Bryn’s mouth turns up into a small grin, pulling him closer. I want nothing more than to walk over and slap that smile off her face.

Parker knew I wasn’t going to make it, but it still doesn’t feel good knowing that he’s dancing with her.

I walk around the table and make my way through the crowd searching for someone who slightly resembles Shannon. There is nothing I hate more than standing alone at a party.

“Aundrea?”

I turn around and see Shannon standing there. She’s dressed as a sexy referee.

“Hi, I was looking for you! How are you?”

“It is you! I saw you walk in, but wasn’t sure. You look amazing! I barely recognized you.” Good. That means Parker probably won’t either.

“I wanted to do something fun.”

“I’ll say you accomplished it. You look really good.”

I give her a smile, then shift my gaze back out onto the dance floor. Her eyes follow.

“Don’t worry, that’s only their first dance, and I think the last. She kept begging him for one earlier until he finally agreed.”

Turning to face her, I shrug. Standing taller and holding my head high, I speak confidently, “I’m not worried.”

“Good.”

She looks over my shoulder and waves enthusiastically to someone. “Hey, I’ll be right back.”

“Sure. See you around.”

I walk around for a while, checking out all the items up for auction, when I hear a laugh I would know anywhere; deep and sexy as hell. Looking over to the bar, my eyes land on a tall woman dressed as Catwoman. Her tight black jumpsuit frames every curve of her body. Next to her is a man dressed as Batman, and next to him is a man in all orange. There is a shackle around his right ankle and handcuffs around his left wrist only. I hadn’t noticed that earlier.

I walk up slowly behind him, brushing my shoulder softly against his as I squeeze my way between him and Batman, breaking them apart.