Wedding Night

He can’t be serious. Is he serious? A giggle rises out of me before I can help myself.

“I mean, we can’t do any worse, can we?” Ben adds. “I know everything about Sally. Test me.”

“OK, what shampoo does she use?” I challenge him.

Ben screws up his face to think. “I know this.… It’s Silvikrin. It’s in the opening sequence. What’s Dirk’s favorite drink?”

“Bourbon straight up,” I say without missing a beat. “Easy. When’s Sally’s birthday?”

“June twelfth, and Dirk always gets her white roses. When’s yours?” he asks, looking alarmed. “It’s not soon, is it?”

He’s right. We know the marriage of a fictional TV detective couple better than we know our own. It’s so ridiculous I can’t help grinning at him.

“OK, Dirk, it’s a deal.” I look up to see Nico approaching, flanked by Georgios and Hermes. The Three Stooges, as Ben’s started calling them. We’re in the most secluded, hidden spot in the garden, but even so, they managed to track us down. They’ve been hovering round us endlessly all afternoon, offering drinks, snacks, and even appearing with the most unflattering Ikonos-branded sun hats in case we were getting overheated.

“Mr. and Mrs. Parr, I believe you are entered for the Couples’ Quiz? It’s beginning in a few minutes, down on the beach,” Nico addresses us pleasantly. He’s changed into a jacket with glittery braid, which makes me wonder if he’s quizmaster.

“We were just coming.”

“Excellent! Georgios will assist you.”

We don’t need bloody assistance, I want to retort, but I bite my lip and smile.

“Lead the way.”

“Bring it on, Sally,” mutters Ben in my ear, and I stifle a giggle. Maybe this will be fun after all.

They’ve really gone to town. There’s a wooden platform set up on the beach, decorated with a skirt of red foil strips. Clusters of red-heart helium balloons are anchored at each side. A massive banner reads COUPLES’ QUIZ, and a three-piece band is playing “Love Is All Around.” Melissa is pacing about on the sand in her orange caftan, followed two steps behind by a sandy-haired man in Vilebrequin trunks and an aqua polo shirt. I assume he’s her husband, as they’re both wearing prominent badges reading COUPLE ONE, along with their printed names.

“Stella McCartney,” she’s saying furiously as we approach. “You know it’s Stella McCartney. Oh! Hi! You made it!”

“Ready to do battle?” says Ben, with a mischievous glint.

“It’s just a bit of fun!” she replies, almost aggressively. “Isn’t it, Matt?”

Matt is holding The Couples’ Quiz Official Question Book, I suddenly notice in disbelief. Did they bring that with them?

“Oh, we happened to have that,” says Melissa, flushing as she sees me register it. “Put it away, Matt. It’s too late now, anyway,” she adds to him in a savage undertone. “I really think you could have made more effort.… Hello! You must be the other competitors! Just a bit of fun!” She greets an older-looking couple who are approaching hand in hand, looking a bit perplexed by the whole thing. They have graying hair, coordinated beige slacks, and short-sleeved Hawaiian cotton shirts, and the man has socks on with sandals.

“Mr. and Mrs. Parr, your badge.” Nico descends and gives us our COUPLE THREE badges. “Mr. and Mrs. Kenilworth, here are your name badges.”

“Are you on honeymoon?” I can’t help asking the woman, who it turns out, is called Carol.

“Bless you, no!” She’s fiddling with her lapel. “We won this trip at our bridge-club auction. Not our kind of thing, really, but you have to show willing, and we do enjoy a quiz.…”

Nico ushers all six of us onto the platform, and we survey the audience, which is a middle-size crowd of guests in sarongs and T-shirts, with cocktails in their hands.

“Ladies and gentlemen!” Nico has switched on his radio mike, and his voice booms round the beach. “Welcome to the hotel’s very own Couples’ Quiz!”

Actually this is quite fun. It’s just like it is on the telly. All of us women are led away to a nearby gazebo and given headphones which blast music into our ears, while the men answer questions onstage. Then we swap places and it’s our turn. As I write down my answers, I feel suddenly nervous. Did Ben stick to the plan? Did he really answer as Dirk? What if he chickened out?

Well, too late now. I scribble my final answer and hand in the paper.

“And now!” Nico says to an accompanying drumroll from the band. “Let us reunite our couples! No conferring!” The audience applauds as the men come back onto the stage. The men are on one side of Nico and the women on the other, and I can see Melissa trying to attract Matt’s attention while he resolutely ignores her.