Wanted: Undead or Alive

Brynley Jones was beautiful, brave, and clever—the perfect female human, except for one problem. She wasn’t always human. And her hatred of vampires was as big as the snout on her face when she shifted. She was the worst possible woman to obsess over. But that didn’t stop him.

His brother took a deep breath. “Okay. I’m with you, bro. What kind of help do you need?”

“You’re already doing it. I needed a place to stay. Some wheels. I quit my job last night.”

Freemont’s eyes widened. “What happened? Did you get pissed off with the old dude?”

Phineas shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. I already have another career lined up. We’re going to the Digital Vampire Network in Brooklyn. It’s a TV network just for Vamps.”

“You’re shittin’ me.”

“No. I made a commercial there about two weeks ago for a drink called Blardonnay—half synthetic blood, half Chardonnay.”

“I’m being punked, right?”

“No, it’s true.” First Phineas had made a commercial with the president’s daughter just as a joke, but he’d performed so well, the director had asked him to do it for real with a vampire costar named Tiffany. The commercial had enjoyed an instant success, making Phineas McKinney an overnight sensation in the vampire world. “They call me the Blardonnay Guy now. I’m really popular.”

“From a commercial?” Freemont pulled to a stop at another red light. “How come I haven’t seen it?”

“It’s a DVN commercial. Only Vamps see it. And now they want me to star in one of their TV shows.”

Freemont blinked. “Hot damn, Phineas! Are you famous?”

“I . . . guess. But only around other vampires.”

“That’s awesome, man.” Freemont’s eyes gleamed with pride. “I always knew you’d be famous someday, although I thought it would be with boxing. Never could figure out what happened with that.”

Phineas quickly changed the subject. “We’re going to DVN, ’cause I’m doing a special interview at the end of the Nightly News.”

“You’re going on television tonight?” When Phineas nodded, Freemont looked him over, frowning. “Oh no. Hell no. Not like that.”

Phineas looked down at his jeans and bright orange, number seven Knicks T-shirt. “What’s wrong with—” He stopped when his brother stomped on the gas, swinging the car into a U-turn. “Where are you going?”

“It’s simple, dude. If you want to be a celebrity, you gotta look like one. Right now, you look like a giant Cheez-It. You just leave it to me. I know what to do.”

Phineas smiled. “What are you, my agent?”

“Can I be?” Freemont’s eyes lit up. “I’ll take care of everything, bro. You can count on me.”

Ten minutes later, Phineas was slipping on a black tuxedo jacket in a dressing room at Leroy’s House of Class.

“I don’t know about this.” The white shirt had ruffles on the cuffs. He’d look like a gigolo, or a Scotsman, he thought with a snort. He’d seen Angus and some of the other guys wear frilly shirts like this with their fancy kilts. “You don’t think this is overdoing it?”

“You’re looking fine, bro.” Freemont clenched a fist. “Solid. Like James Bond, going to a casino. You want to take a look in the mirror?”

Phineas gave him a wry look.

Freemont grimaced. “Sorry, I forgot. Sheesh. How do you shave in the morning?”

“Once the sun comes up, I don’t do anything.”

“Damn.” Freemont handed him a black silk tie. “You gonna be able to put this on?”

“I think so.”

“You want some new shoes?”

“No, the boots need to stay.” Phineas knotted the tie around his neck. “How much is this gonna set me back?”

“It’s free, bro. Leroy is Lamont’s dad. You know, Lamont?”

With a smile, Phineas nodded. Lamont was Freemont’s best friend from high school. When the two were together, the other kids called them the Full Monty. “I didn’t know his dad ran a tuxedo rental place.”

“Oh, this is a lot more than tuxedos. Leroy’s House of Class has everything! Wedding dresses and fancy gowns. Costumes for everything from Renaissance fairs to pimp-and-ho parties. He’s even got hula skirts and tiki torches if you want to do a luau. He’s got canopies and tables and chairs and fancy tablecloths.” Freemont yanked his T-shirt over his head, then put on a gold silk shirt. “Lamont works here full-time, but they let me work part-time as much as I can.”

“What do you do?”

Freemont shucked his jeans and pulled on some black leather pants. “I do deliveries, help set up tables and chairs. I usually drive one of their limos on Saturday night, but there’s nothing happening tonight, so they didn’t need me. Which is good news, ’cause Leroy is letting us borrow a limo.”

“That’s great. Thanks.” Phineas paused a moment while his brother put on some shiny black dress shoes. “I appreciate you working to help pay your tuition, but don’t overdo it. You need to keep your grades up.”

Freemont rolled his eyes like he usually did when Phineas acted more like a father than a brother. But with nine years’ difference in their ages, it was something Phineas had trouble avoiding. He was the one who had run off their father, so he felt responsible for his younger siblings.

Freemont shrugged on a purple velvet jacket trimmed with faux leopard fur, then plopped a leopard-skin fedora on his head. “Now I’ll look like your agent.”

Phineas winced. “You look like a pimp.”

“Pimp? Agent? What’s the difference?” Freemont flipped up his collar. “Show me the money!”

“Freemont—”

“I know what I’m doing, bro.” He grabbed a wooden walking stick with a gold knob on the end and twirled it through his fingers. “Should I ask Leroy to loan us a few party girls for the evening? You’ll look more like a celebrity with some pretty ladies on your arm.”

“Party girls?” Phineas frowned, wondering if Leroy had a little business going on the side.

“It’s legit, man. Sometimes people want a few pretty girls to tend bar and wait tables at their parties. The girls are under strict orders not to fraternize. Believe me, I’ve tried.”

Phineas snorted. “Don’t worry about women. There’ll be plenty at DVN, hoping to get on TV. And my costar will be there. Tiffany.”

“What does she look like?”

“Blond and booty-licious.”

“Hot damn!” Freemont gave him a knuckle pound. “You da man!” He led Phineas down a hall toward the back door of Leroy’s establishment. “As your new agent, I’m gonna need a name that’s tight. You need one, too, bro.”

“I’m Dr. Phang in the vampire world. Also known as the Love Doctor.”

Freemont’s eyes narrowed as he nodded. “That’s buck. I bet you get laid all the time.”

Phineas winced inwardly. The silly names had worked well enough for one-night stands, but eventually, he’d grown tired of feeling like a joke that was funny only one time.

Freemont grabbed a set of keys off a peg by the back door. “Will you introduce me to the Tiffany babe?”

“Yes, but remember she’s a Vamp. She might see you as a snack more than a stud.”

Freemont gulped and eased a finger around the collar of his gold silk shirt. “You’ve got a weird life, bro.”

“Don’t worry. I won’t let anyone hurt you.” Phineas patted him on the back. “And I appreciate your help.” Thanks to his brother, he now looked a lot more convincing in his new role as a television star.

Freemont opened the back door and strode into the parking lot. “So if you’re Dr. Phang . . .”

Phineas followed him, grateful that the rain had finally stopped. He stepped around puddles to keep his boots as dry as possible.

Freemont halted with a jerk. “I know! I’ll be Da Freeze. Kinda like Freemont, but better. Da Freeze, the Ice Man. What do you think?”

Phineas bit his lip to keep from grinning. His brother reminded him of himself five years ago. “It’s . . . cool.”

“It’s more than cool, man. I’m an icy cold blast of refreshment!” Freemont opened the door to a purple limousine. “Only the best for my famous brother.”

“What a bunch of hot babes,” Freemont whispered as they entered the lobby of the Digital Vampire Network. “Are you sure they’re all . . . ?”

“Yes, they are,” Phineas whispered back. “And they all have super hearing, so be careful what you say.”

Freemont nodded, his wide-eyed gaze darting around the crowded lobby. “Your life is seriously weird.”

“You ain’t seen nothin’ yet,” Phineas muttered, then headed toward the reception desk.

“Oh my God, it’s the Blardonnay Guy!” a pretty brunette squealed.

More gasps and squeals emanated from the scantily clad young ladies who frequented the lobby every night, hoping to be discovered. They rushed toward Phineas, all talking at once.

“I just love your commercial!”

“You’re even more handsome than Denzel!”

“Can I have an autograph please?”

Phineas held up his hands to ward off the full-court press, but before he could say anything, Freemont blocked the girls with his walking stick.

“Ladies!” He flashed a wide grin. “We appreciate your enthusiasm, but Dr. Phang has to do an interview right now. If you can wait till he’s finished, he might be able to spare you a few minutes.”

“We’ll be here!” A blonde held up a Blardonnay bottle. “Will you sign my bottle, Dr. Phang?”

A brunette in a cheerleader costume winked at Phineas. “I want you to sign my thigh.”

“I’ll let you sign my breast!” Another posed, showing off her most talented assets, barely contained in a tight spandex halter.

“That’s all good.” Freemont used his walking stick to herd them back. “But I will need to thoroughly inspect all writing surfaces before I can allow my client to sign. Security protocol, you understand.”

Phineas snorted as he approached the receptionist’s desk. “Hey, what’s up? It’s Susie, right?”

She blushed, almost as red as the dyed streaks in her black hair. “You remembered. I just love your commercial, Dr. Phang.”

“I’m his agent.” Freemont slid his pinched thumb and forefinger along the brim of his fedora. “You can call me Da Freeze.”

“Nice to meet you. For security reasons, we ask all our visitors to wear name tags.” Susie smiled shyly at Phineas. “Of course, you don’t need a name tag, Dr. Phang. Everyone knows who you are.” She wrote Freemont’s new name on a name tag. “Here you go, Mr. DeVries.”

“No, Da Freeze. The Ice Man.”

“Oh.” A confused look flitted over Susie’s face, then she scribbled another name. “Mr. Theismann.” She passed him the name tag, then scurried toward the double doors behind her.

Frowning at his name tag, Freemont whispered, “Doesn’t she understand English?”

“We really should hurry now.” Susie held open the door. “They were expecting Dr. Phang in makeup five minutes ago.”

After a few minutes in the makeup chair, Phineas was escorted to Recording Studio #3 where he greeted Gordon, the director.

“Hey, Phineas.” Gordon shook hands with him, then gave Freemont and his name tag a curious look.

“I’m Dr. Phang’s agent,” Freemont boasted.

“And my brother,” Phineas added with a grin.

Gordon nodded, his eyes twinkling with excitement. He and Stone Cauffyn were the only ones at DVN who knew what Phineas was really up to tonight. “Stone and Tiffany are ready for you. Good luck.”

As Phineas approached the set, which consisted of three chairs on a carpeted dais, Tiffany jumped to her feet, her breasts jiggling and dangerously close to falling out of the sexy red dress she was wearing.

“Dr. Phang!” With a big grin, she threw her arms around his neck. “Don’t you just love it? We’re famous! I want to kiss you, but I don’t dare mess up my makeup.”

“I understand.”

“I’m getting fan mail, can you believe it? And all the girls want to know if I’ve slept with you. You don’t mind if I say yes, do you?” She pressed closer, rubbing her breasts against him as she slid her hands down his chest. “It wouldn’t have to be a lie, you know.”

“Well, I—” Phineas grabbed her hands to keep them from venturing too far south. How could he put this? He didn’t want to have sex with her just to give her something to talk about with her fans.

“Places!” Gordon shouted. “We go live in three minutes.”

“We’ll talk later,” Phineas told Tiffany, then he took a seat, sandwiched between her and Stone Cauffyn, the newscaster who had just finished doing the Nightly News in Studio #2.

The sound guy clipped tiny microphones onto the guys’ lapels, then struggled to find a place to attach Tiffany’s mike.

She giggled. “Oooh, that tickles!”

“Does my hair look all right?” Stone asked the makeup girl.

“You look perfect,” she replied, then winked at Phineas. “So do you.”