Waiting on the Sidelines

I gulped a bit, almost like a cartoon. I didn’t want to have to answer this. I was at a fork in my road. The one where I told my friends I would turn right, but I instead wanted to pull out my GPS and recalculate.

“Think about it, today. Don’t answer now, but before you leave, OK?” he said, almost sensing my panic. I just nodded and he gave me my treats, not that I could stomach them right now. He sat down and I caught the smirk on his face as he leaned back in his chair and shut his eyes.

I tore at the package of Red Vines a little and then looked up to see Reed watching the entire thing, almost as if it was a show I put on just for him. And that made my heart sink, which worried me all the more.

I was waiting for Nancy at the front desk when Tyler came out and my knees went weak. I knew he was expecting an answer, and I didn’t know which one to give. In perfect timing, Reed came around the corner after him, which only made it worse. He looked at the two of us standing near one another and the discomfort he had over the scene was apparent. His eyes were scanning, like he was looking for an out, a distraction.

When one of the other girl guards came out of the locker room he approached her right away, careful not to make eye contact with me at all. I think her name was Morgan. She was one of the girls constantly flirting with Reed. Tyler was talking to me, something about where would I like to go if we in fact go to dinner on Friday night. I was nodding and pretending to think, but all of me was elsewhere. Eavesdropping.

I heard Morgan giggle a little, and I heard Reed say “I’ll drive. Just drop your stuff off at your car.”

I watched them leave then I saw him pick her up and wrap her around his back like a backpack, turning around for just a moment to make sure I was watching. I was. And I hated it. That was supposed to be us, and seeing him do that with another girl was forcing me to make my turn.

“So what do you think?” Tyler asked, kicking at my feet a little, startling me.

“OK, let’s do it. I already ate my Red Vines anyways,” I smiled, even though I was screaming and squirming on the inside.

I spent the night with Sienna and was in desperate need for a little therapy session with my good friend who always gave it to me straight. I just couldn’t understand why I was so torn in my feelings, I knew I needed to move on. And I was also pretty puzzled by Tyler’s interest in me. I was never the it girl. I was the girl on the edges. I hung out with the right people and was well-liked, sure, but it’s not like I was the girl on the playground in grade school that the boys chased or walked home. I was the one they picked first for their soccer team.

“Nolan, do you seriously not see yourself?” Sienna said, grabbing my hand and taking me over to the mirror on the back of her closet door. “Just stop. Stand here, and I’m going to make you look at yourself. Really look at yourself.”

I stood there feeling ridiculous, fidgeting and crisscrossing my legs. I didn’t know what I was supposed to see.

“Noles, you aren’t 12 any more. You’re 16, almost 17. You’re taller than most of the girls in our class. Your hair makes Sarah, Becky and I so stupid jealous. Your skin is like a baby—seriously, do you even get pimples? You don’t have to wear make up because you already look like one of those ads in the teen magazines for clean skin. You have eyes that can’t hide anything, which as your friend makes it really easy for me to know when you need me,” she kept going, nudging me a little. Then she sat back on the end of her bed, and let out a sigh, almost exasperated.

“Your body is curved in the right places. Unlike me, you actually need to wear a bra for support. You can wear cute little shorts and show your stomach. Yet you don’t show it off and flaunt it like Tatum did. You’re just you, with all of this stuff going on underneath,” she said, waving her hand up and down at me. “And you’re smart. Like, really smart. And you’re so strong. You have no idea how strong you are, Nolan. I’m so envious of you. But I’m so grateful for you, too.”

I turned slowly with a tight smile, a little uncomfortable from all of the flattery but also so grateful to have Sienna in my life. I walked over and slumped on the bed next to her, lying down beside her and staring at the ceiling. After a while of silence, I just said “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” she said, giving my hand a squeeze and then we continued to lay there and think. “What are you going to wear on this date?”

I laughed a little. I had no idea.

By the time I showed up for work early Friday morning, my stomach was in knots. Thursday was full of more flirting between Reed and the girl who I now confirmed was named Morgan. Tyler showed up for only the afternoon session. We took our breaks together like normal, but when the work day was over Tyler grabbed his towel and lassoed it around my back and dragged me towards him. I put my hands on his chest, which was spectacular, to stop myself short of making too much contact with him. I was still worrying about Reed seeing me, it seemed.