Waiting on the Sidelines

“Shhhhhh, it’s ok. Whatever it is, it’s ok. Please, Nolan. You can tell me. We can tell each other anything. Please,” Reed said, rocking me side to side and stroking my hair. I was clinging to the sides of his sweatshirt, almost as if I was holding fistfuls of the fabric to keep myself from drowning. I pulled my face away from his chest to rub my sleeve across my eyes to dry them. Reed lifted my chin to look at me, and suddenly his face had a look of concern.

“Noles, it looks like something might be wrong with your eyebrow, did you get a bite or something? Let me take a look,” he said, reaching up to touch it. I pulled away and pressed my palm to my forehead; I didn’t want him to see.

“Oh, it’s nothing. Something stupid, really. I’m ok,” I said, panicking. I could hear Tatum’s warning and I was suddenly terrified that Reed would find out it was of her doing.

“Uhm… ok. It just looks like some of the hair is missing. Are you sure?” he was still concerned.

“I’m sure,” I said, staring him in the eyes, almost trying to tell him telepathically without saying the words. When it became uncomfortable, I looked down.

“Noles, what’s going on? You’re not yourself,” he pushed.

I didn’t know what to say. I stood there silent, looking down and kicking at the pebbles at my feet, sniffling the last of my emotional explosion away. Finally, I turned my head sideways to meet his eyes again. Chewing on my bottom lip, I paused and thought carefully for a moment, choosing my words.

“Do you love her?” was what came out. Not quite how I wanted to go, but I was going to run with it.

Reed’s eyebrows shot up. “Huh? What do you mean?” he said.

“Tatum. Do you love her?” I asked again, my lips tight, fighting to show anything. I had to be careful to not give away my hand.

Reed sucked in his top lip and nodded a little as he thought. He looked up at the sky with a big sigh and then finally looked right at me. “I, uh… I. Hmmmm? Let’s put it this way…I haven’t said the words to her.”

“That’s not what I asked.” I was getting braver now. “Do you love her, Reed?”

“No,” it came out so quickly it surprised both of us. Deep down, I knew he didn’t. He was a teenaged boy and she was eye candy. That’s about how far it went.

I was going to press on. “OK, understandable. You are young. This is high school. We’re supposed to date lots of people. But why her?” I paused. I needed to rephrase that so it didn’t sound as incredulous as I meant it to. “I mean… what drew you to Tatum?”

Reed walked up to my porch and I followed him, dropping my bags on a chair and sitting next to him on the steps. He had his hat off again and was looking down, rubbing his hair forward almost to hide his shame.

Finally, he spoke. “I’m gonna be real honest here, Noles. I don’t even really know any more. I mean, it was exciting at first. But now, every little thing she does irritates me…. Wait… why do you ask? Is this about Sean? I mean, I know he’s my best friend, but you can still talk to me about him. I would keep it between us.”

“No, it’s not about Sean… exactly,” I said. Keep going, Nolan. Keep going. “It’s just… I don’t think my spark for Sean is going anywhere either. It’s sort of stalled. And I’m sort of alright with that,” I stopped to look at him sideways. He had an understanding smirk on his face. “And with you… I was just curious. It just seems like you and Tatum are SOOOOOOO different. I mean, you’re so nice and thoughtful, and she’s…” I stopped and just shrugged and looked down, a bit defeated.

“Nolan, did Tatum say something to you? Is that why you cried?” he reached over and put his hand on mine along the steps. I stared at it and it felt as if time froze. My heart was racing, both from his touch and the fear of Tatum driving by in this instance to see this. I didn’t know how to respond, but I needed to stop. This was too far.

I stood up, pulling my hand from under his. “I’m ok, Reed. Really,” I said, turning to pick up my bags and reach for the door. His hand was on it fast and he reached for my chin again to turn me to face him.

“You would tell me, right? If she said something to you...” he swallowed. “If she said something that made you cry, something mean or rude, you would tell me?”

I couldn’t lie. I just nodded knowingly and smiled with my lips tight, my eyes welling up a little again. Biting my lower lip to keep things in check I reached an arm over Reed’s shoulder and gave him one last hug, and then, as I released, I kissed him softly on the cheek. I know he could tell I was holding it in, but he let me go inside anyway. I think he knew I was holding on to my pride. It was all I had. That, and my utter disappointment in myself for letting Tatum break me.