Waiting on the Sidelines

He didn’t turn to me right away, and his hand felt weak. When he finally looked at me, I could tell his eyes were puffy. I ran my fingers down his face, leaning forward to kiss his head. “Hey,” I smiled, faintly.

“Hey,” he said back, biting his lip a little, still pained. He was squeezing my hand more now. “You’re ok,” he let out his lungs, his mouth falling into a hard straight line.

“I’m ok,” I swallowed, looking at his body, which was not OK. “Does it… hurt?” I motioned to his arm.

He turned slowly to look at it for several minutes before speaking. “Yeah, it hurts,” he was chewing on the inside of his cheek, distracted.

He finally turned his head back to me, blinking a little, his eyes looking tired. “I’m staying,” I said. I just wanted him to know so he could relax, and it seemed to help a little. “I refused to leave,” I smiled.

He gave me a flat smile, his lips tight. The lines formed on his brow; he was thinking. I reached for his water cup and brought it to him, but he just turned and shrugged it off. Finally, he spoke.

“She was texting,” he sighed. I wasn’t sure what he meant, so I just shrugged, not understanding. “The driver of the other car. She was texting. She came in our lane, so fast. I swerved and we hit the highway marker. And a cactus, I guess.”

He seemed to be far away, replaying the accident in his mind. I just brushed his head and tried to get him to rest.

“My dad’s pressing charges,” he said flatly, turning back to the window. A few minutes later, he was asleep. I watched him breathe until the sun was up, and finally I slept for an hour or two myself.

My dad picked me up just as Buck was arriving to get Reed settled and ready to go to Millie’s. The two fathers shook hands, Buck putting his hand on my dad’s back, almost a hug. I could tell they respected each other and were some comfort to one another, and it made me feel glad amid all of this bad stuff.

Reed had managed to eat a small breakfast, and was talking more this morning. But he still seemed off. I kissed him, but our parting felt empty. It felt like a routine, or an obligation on his part. And suddenly the deep bruising on my ribs wasn’t the only internal injury I was nursing.

24. And After

Ten weeks. That meant five games. Reed wouldn’t suit up for his senior homecoming match up, and there was a chance the Bears wouldn’t make the playoffs unless Kyle, Reed’s back-up, could pull off a miracle. He had only thrown the ball in a few games, and only when they were blow outs.

Reed had been back at his dad’s house for almost two days, and I still hadn’t seen him. He had called me the night he got home, but said he was going to bed early, tired and trying to get things settled. He promised to make it up to me yesterday, but then the entire day came and went without a single phone call.

His texts and phone calls to me grew less and less while he was at his mother’s house. I tried to keep it in the rational box that told me he was dealing with this life-changing trauma, and fear that he wouldn’t be the same. And I knew that mostly that’s what it was. But I couldn’t seem to equal out how he could be shutting me out now when I had so much to offer. I could be his rock, and wanted to be so desperately. I couldn’t help but think that his mother’s opinion of me wasn’t at play just a little, either.

I drove to campus for volleyball workouts and stopped on my way into the gym to peer out at the football field. I saw Reed’s profile standing next to his coach on the sidelines. He was talking to him and pointing at things while Kyle was working passing drills. Kyle wasn’t Reed, and that was clear from even this far away. But he wasn’t bad.

Heading into the women’s locker room, I let my mind get carried away, wondering if Reed would be waiting for me after practice, or if he even realized I was here. I was navigating unknown territory, and I didn’t know how to handle it. Reed was distant, but he still told me he loved me and spoke sweetly, when he spoke.

When I led the freshmen through running drills up and down the stairs, my mind flashed back to the first time I locked eyes with Reed as he flung open the heavy metal doors to the gym lobby. Those doors remained tightly closed each time we ran by today, but I still expected to see him standing there every time I passed through anyhow.

When practice was over, I packed up my gym bag slowly, letting everyone leave before me. I even thought about taking a quick shower before I left, something I had only done two or three times ever. But I knew I was just stalling. I was so afraid of walking out that door and seeing the dark lights over the football field and Reed long gone. He was driving Buck’s raised Ram truck, waiting on the settlement from the accident to see what they could do about his Jeep. I willed that truck to appear in my mind and held on to the hope that it would.