Vicious Cycle

“Yes, you look very, very pretty.” Jerking my chin toward the stairs, I said, “Go on and get cleaned up.”

“But I can’t get my dress on by myself,” Willow protested. Before Case’s death, she had never liked to be separated from Alexandra and me because she thought she might miss something. But now it was about so much more. She had become even clingier since she had returned from the mountains. In fact, she had slept in our bed the last two nights, which really dampened our continued reunion sex.

“Grandma Beth will help you,” I replied.

Always the softie of the two of us, Alex said, “We’ll be up in just a minute, baby.”

While that seemed to appease Willow a little, she still gave me her best pouty face before finally trudging over to the stairs.

Once the basement door closed behind her, Alex’s hand came up to cup my cheek. “Are you holding up okay?”

With a lump the size of a boulder in my throat, I could only nod. Since my mother’s murder before my eyes as a kid, I’d had insurmountable trouble with the death of those I loved. It was like I couldn’t bear to deal with the grief and pain. I just wanted to escape and ignore it.

Case had been more than my brother and club president—he had been a father figure to me. His death had shattered me. Not only did I mourn for him, but it brought back all the pain I’d tried to repress from Preacher Man’s death and my mother’s murder.

Sensing that I was hovering over an emotional cliff, Alexandra pressed herself against me. As her arms came around my neck, the comfort only she could bring washed over me. “Did you write down what you’re going to say?” she questioned softly.

I nodded. “I just hope I can say it all. You know, without punking out by crying like a fucking pansy.”

She rubbed reassuring circles over my back. “No one is going to think less of you for shedding tears for Case. All your brothers loved him,” she reasoned.

“Babe, no offense, but that’s such a chick thing to say.”

Pulling her hands away, she stared up at me. “When it comes down to it, don’t be afraid of showing your emotions.”

“I’m not afraid.” When she cocked her brows at me, I sighed. “You just don’t understand.”

“No, I’m sure I don’t. Your world is still so new and confusing to me.” She patted my chest above my heart. “But the one thing I do know is I love you.”

I smiled down at her. Even without her saying it, I could feel her love for me. I knew it would give me the strength I needed to get through today. “Come on. Let’s go get you in the shower,” I said.

“Do we have time for you to join me?”

Man, did I love this woman. She knew how to appeal to me on each and every level. With a wink, I replied, “We’ll make time.”

With my back against the trunk of a massive oak tree, I kept a watchful eye on the crowd before me while I took a sip of champagne from the crystal flute in my hand. Grimacing, I fought the urge to spit it out on the grass, but I figured that would be considered completely uncivilized by the crowd that surrounded me. Like my brothers, I was a beer or hard-liquor man. But my new sister-in-law was in charge of this party, and she had kept it classy, just like she was.

I found her in the crowd. God, she was beautiful. I don’t think I’d ever seen her more beautiful than today—her wedding day. The top of her white satin dress hugged her like a second skin, showing off the fabulous curves that had attracted my brother. As they danced under the tent as man and wife, his hand rested a little lower than the curve of her back. I wasn’t quite sure how through all the yards of fabric he was able to cop a feel of her ass, but if anyone could find a way, it would be Deacon.

Shaking my head, I couldn’t help but grin at the sight of him in dress pants. He’d balked at a suit or tux. The black pants and long-sleeved white shirt were the compromise he and Alexandra had reached. After the wedding, he’d slipped his cut on over the shirt. I’m not sure what Alex’s relatives or friends thought about that one. Most of them were just glad she was happy and safe after what had happened to her.

She had faced a lot of scrutiny after Sigel’s death. Of course, everyone pitied her as the woman viciously attacked by a felon. The plan that she and Archer had concocted had been bought hook, line, and sinker by the cops. Not once did they doubt that Archer, who had slipped into a janitor’s uniform, had heard Alex’s cries and come running. He had been hailed a hero for taking down Sigel. Of course, no one in the school could remember him working there before. When he disappeared after that night, many wanted to believe he was some kind of guardian angel.

No matter how much blood you have on your hands, you always remember your first kill. Just like the rest of us, Alex struggled with what she had done. She suffered from screaming and kicking nightmares, she couldn’t sleep without drugs from Breakneck, and she’d started losing weight.

It was a dark time for all of us, seeing her suffer. Thankfully, after a few weeks of torment, she started to pull out of it. She started to realize her daily validation for what she did when she looked at Deacon and Willow.

Speaking of Willow … My gaze momentarily left Alexandra to search out my niece. A smile played at my lips at the sight of her. Already a little diva in the making, she had requested her flower girl dress be pink and poufy. And of course she had gotten her way. Her long dark hair cascaded down her back in waves, while a headband of pink roses sat on her head. At her feet was the almost-grown Walter. He looked less than thrilled by the sparkly pink leash and collar that Willow had put on him for the day. When Deacon had seen him, he’d rolled his eyes and said, “I guess I’m going to have to get you a girl dog soon, or you’ll make an absolute sissy out of Walter.” Of course, Willow had been thrilled by the prospect of a dog of her own.

As I scanned the crowd of wedding guests again, an ache burned its way through my chest at the way Alex glanced up into my brother’s face with such intense love in her eyes. In that moment, I wished she had just once looked that way at me. But there had never been more than friendship for us. I’d known that even when Deacon had tried to push the two of us together. I’d known it from the first time I’d seen her look adoringly at him.

Even though I loved him, I couldn’t help feeling jealous of Deacon. I wanted the love of a good woman more than anything in the world. I wanted to be a husband and a father. Yet for some reason, my simple wants went unfulfilled.