Vicious Cycle

“It made fucking sense for someone defenseless like Alex to take on someone like Sigel?” I demanded, the blood boiling in my veins.

Surprisingly, Archer didn’t back down. Instead, he narrowed his eyes at me. “Would you let go of your bullshit pride for a minute and truly think? He never saw it coming. He never imagined her capable of it. Any of the rest of us? He would have seen us coming a mile away, including you.”

I still couldn’t wrap my head around it or allow myself to condone what happened. “Where is she?” I demanded.

“They took her over to one of the ambulances.”

Jabbing a finger into his cut, I said, “We are not through talking about this.”

He nodded. “I understand.”

I hated that there was a part of me that could see the reason and brilliance behind Alexandra and Archer’s plan. However, there was a much stronger part that was mad as hell and wanted to take the kid down for his utter stupidity and wavering loyalty. Sure, he’d been brave and done everything within his power to keep Alexandra safe, as well as the club. Regardless of his protection, he had still allowed my old lady to be in danger, and I wanted to kill him for that. And yeah, the fucking irony wasn’t lost on me.

I weaved my way through the crowd of onlookers. Beyond the yellow police tape, I saw the ambulance with its back doors open. Moving around the taped-off perimeter, I came through the other side. With a blanket draped over her shoulders, Alex sat on the floor of the ambulance. An EMT worked on cleaning some lacerations on her face. While she stared straight ahead, her body suddenly tensed, and her gaze jerked from staring down at the pavement to scanning the tree-lined woods. I shouldn’t have been too surprised that she could sense me.

Her brows rose in surprise as if questioning my next move. I couldn’t answer her because even I didn’t know what to do. Finally, I dug my cigarettes and lighter out of my cut and lit up. When the EMT finished, Alex said something to him before rising to her feet. Slowly, she began walking toward me. My feet began to move of their own accord, and I met her halfway.

I winced when I got a good look at her in the light. While Archer had apologetically told me that he’d had to beat her up to keep the cops from asking questions, I sure as hell didn’t like the looks of his handiwork on her face. Her right cheek was turning black, and her lip was busted and swollen.

A million different scenarios had raced through my head about what I would do or say to her when I saw her again. But at the moment, she rendered me speechless. When she reached for me, I took a step back. “If you were a man or one of my brothers, I’d beat the hell out of you right now for what you did earlier.”

“Can’t you understand I had my reasons?”

“Reasons? You handcuffed me to a bed, went behind my back with a club member, and then risked your own life trying to take down my greatest enemy. That seems without any fucking reason to me.”

Her dark eyes narrowed at me. “Is it always only about you and your own personal revenge and vendettas, Deacon? Can you for a moment think about what it was like for me when I found out Sigel murdered my parents? The way I see it, I had just as much reason to take him out as you did.”

“You sure as hell didn’t! After what he did to Preacher Man, I deserved to take him out, not you. Dammit, Alex. You knew how much it meant to me!”

“If we’re tallying up body counts for revenge, he took out both my mother and my father. I think I had the greater claim.”

“They were just civilians. We had a club history that—” My words were cut off when Alexandra hauled off and slapped the hell out of me.

“You unimaginable bastard. How dare you stand there and spout that bullshit to me? Yeah, my parents weren’t in your precious club. They were honorable and decent people who lost their lives simply for standing up for what was right—a kid who was being abused.” She shook her head. “You know, I expected you to be fighting mad when you saw me again, but this is beyond my realm of comprehension.”

Leaning closer to me, she hissed, “I killed a man tonight. With my own hands. Hands that used to cut construction-paper hearts and point out sight words to innocent children. I did it for my parents, but I also did it for you. If I had died tonight taking out Sigel, you would still be alive for Willow. I made a sacrifice for you. And even though you’re an undeserving asshole, I would do it again so that sweet little girl wouldn’t be parentless.”

As I weighed her words, I realized what a stupid, egotistical, self-centered bastard I truly was. Staring at her, I could only shake my head. After all, what could you say befitting a woman who had gone toe to toe with a psycho to save your life and your daughter’s?

At my silence, Alex sighed. “Once they discharge me, I’ll come by the compound to get my things.”

I blinked my eyes in disbelief. “Why would you do that?”

With a mirthless laugh, Alex said, “You can’t be serious. Did you actually think after the way you just behaved that I was going to suck it up and come home with you?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Incredible,” she muttered before turning away.

I couldn’t let her go. I cared too much about her. Willow cared too much about her. “Alex, wait.”

Ignoring me, she kept walking. Desperately, I tried to think of what might get her attention. Then I blurted, “Marry me.”

Her steps faltered on the pavement. Slowly, she turned around to stare open-mouthed and wide-eyed at me. “What did you just say?”

“I asked you to marry me.”

“I think I liked it better when I thought I was hearing things.”

Scratching the back of my neck, I closed the gap between us. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry for the way I treated you earlier. It’s just …” I licked my lips, as my mouth had run dry from fucking nerves. “You scared the hell out of me going after Sigel and leaving me where I couldn’t help you. It isn’t in me to have women on the front lines, least of all my old lady—the woman I fucking love. I didn’t know how to deal. You were right to call me a bastard and an asshole because I was—I am. No matter how hard I try, I always seem to fuck things up when it comes to you.” Shaking my head, I said, “Jesus, I’m blabbering.”

“Keep going,” Alex urged.

“You’re also right to call me a selfish bastard. Before Willow, I thought only of myself, and then she came along and opened me up a little. Then you came barging in and forced me to put my own needs and desires behind those I cared about.” Reaching out, I touched her unmarred cheek. “And I do care about you, Alexandra. When I thought that I might lose you to Sigel, I thought I would die—I wanted to die. I don’t want to live without you. I love you too much.”