Vampire Brat

    Dinner that night was weird--and not just because the boiler exploded. When Wanda and I got down to the second-kitchen-on-the-left-just-past-the- larder, Vampire Max was helping to lay the table and Aunt Tabby was saying, "Thank you, Maximilian dear, that is so helpful. And all the knives and forks are in the right places, too. You must show Araminta how to -100- lay the table so neatly. " Max simpered a smile, and I noticed he did not show Aunt Tabby his vampire teeth. He didn't look like a vampire at all; in fact he looked more like a freshly scrubbed teacher's pet. His hair was neatly combed, his face was shiny and pink--you could tell he had just washed it to get rid of the blood--and he had put on a tie. When Wanda and I arrived, he bowed. How creepy was that? But I could tell Aunt Tabby just thought it was good manners. "Good evening, Vonda, " he said, which is how he says Wanda's name. Wanda gave a kind of strangled yelp and scuttled off to her chair. "Good evening, cousin Araminta, " he said in my direction, and he bowed again. Wanda was right--Max did have a creepy, -101- vampiry accent. Sometimes I notice that Uncle Drac has a bit of an accent like that but most of the time I don't notice it because I am used to Uncle Drac and he is not creepy at all. "Say good evening to your cousin, Araminta, " Aunt Tabby said. "And you can sit down and stop gaping too--it's rude to stare. " She began to ladle a big pot of Aunt Tabby stew into our bowls. Wanda sighed. She does not like Aunt Tabby's cooking. I used to not mind it but Wanda's mom, Brenda, is a much better cook and she usually makes din- ners. But I supposed that she was still looking for Pusskins. "I am not gaping, " I told Aunt Tabby. "Not much stew for me, please. "

    Aunt Tabby took no notice. She ladled out a huge scoop of glop and bits of it splattered down my front. Yuk. "You are not being very polite, Araminta, " said Aunt Tabby, annoyed, as she ladled out an even bigger pile of stew into Wanda's bowl. "I must say, you could do worse than take a few tips from your cousin Maximilian on manners. He is the politest and most considerate child I have ever met. " What was wrong with Aunt Tabby? Had she had a brain transplant or something? Couldn't she see how obvious it was that Max was the nasty, biting kind of vampire? I picked up my spoon and poked it at the stew, which felt kind of solid like a Jell-O cube. Not a good sign. Wanda was looking at her pile of stew as though it might be about to ambush her, but Vampire Max was wolfing his down and even managing to look like he was enjoying it. Aunt Tabby was gazing at him adoringly. I could see that Max could do no wrong in Aunt Tabby's eyes. Somehow I had to show Aunt Tabby what Vampire Max really was.

    Suddenly I had a really brilliant idea. I had read somewhere that real vampires cannot bear to be near garlic. They hate the stuff. So, I decided to get him to give himself away. I stared really hard at him so that I did not miss a single flicker of expression, and I said very nicely, "Aunt Tabby, is there any garlic in this stew?" "Garlic?" asked Aunt Tabby, looking puz- zled. Vampire Max looked up. Aha. "Yes, " I said, and I looked meaningfully at Vampire Max, "garlic. " Vampire Max did not react. He was stonewalling, I could tell. "No, there isn't any garlic in it, Araminta. " Aunt Tabby sounded touchy. "You don't like garlic. " "Yes I do. I really, really like garlic.

    Could you grate some over it for me please?" Q "What, raw garlic?" asked Aunt Tabby. "Are you sure?" I nodded. It couldn't make the stew taste any worse and it was an important vampire test that had to be done. I glanced at Wanda and she looked very puzzled. Aunt Tabby sighed, scraped her chair back, and got up. She came back with a big head of garlic and a little grater. It was the moment of truth. I stared at Vampire Max and he stared at the garlic like he couldn't believe what he was seeing. I knew I was getting somewhere. Aunt Tabby got busy with the grater and dumped a whole bunch of garlic on top of my gooey stew. Yuck. It smelled disgusting. Aunt Tabby is right, I do not like garlic one bit. "Can you give some to Wanda too?" I asked.

    "What, me?" squeaked Wanda. "Yes, I don't want to be greedy and take it all, " I said. "I don't mind, Araminta, really I don't, " said Wanda as Aunt Tabby got busy grating garlic all over her stew too. "And I don't want to leave Vamp--I mean Max--out, " I said to Aunt Tabby. "I am sure he would like some. " "No!" Vampire Max almost shouted. "I do not like garlic upon my stew. It is perfect as it is, thank you, Aunt Tabitha, I have never tasted a more delicious stew, " he said, carefully smil- ing his no-teeth smile at Aunt Tabby. "Oh, how kind of you to say that, Max, " simpered Aunt Tabby. She sat down and began to cut up her stew with a knife and fork.

    "You could learn a lot from the way Maximilian behaves, Araminta, " she said, fixing me with a beady glare. It is always best to change the subject when Aunt Tabby is grumpy, so I quickly said, "Has Brenda found Pusskins yet?" but it didn't seem to work. "No, " snapped Aunt Tabby, and she cut up another mouthful of stew. "Probably, " I whispered to Wanda, "because it is Pusskins in the stew. " Wanda gasped and dropped her spoon. Aunt Tabby--who says that whispering in front of other people is just about the rudest thing you can ever do-- looked like she was going to explode. But the boiler got there first--bang!