Under the Lights

His hands moved to my hips, and held me there as he tasted me as thoroughly as I was tasting him. There was no worry of him running this time. I would tackle him if he tried. I wasn’t letting this go again.

It made all the cheesy romance movies I’d seen appear realistic. That one kiss that changes everything no longer seemed like a fantasy. It was real. I was experiencing it yet again.

When Gunner finally pulled back, I protested with what sounded like a whine. I was pathetic. I needed to control myself.

“Run away with me,” he said, so close still his breath tickled my lips and nose.

I almost nodded and agreed with whatever he was saying when I realized what he was actually saying. I paused. I couldn’t agree to that. We had high school to finish and college to go to. Running away wasn’t in the plans.

“What are you talking about? We can’t run away,” I said logically even though that kiss still had my toes curled up in my flip-flops.

“I can’t live here under this Lawton name. With a family who hates me for all that I represent to them. I’m proof of pain and destruction. I hate it. I want to just be me somewhere that the name Lawton means nothing.

“I can’t leave. I’m on probation. This”—I held out my hands—“this is my last chance. I don’t get another.”

Gunner sighed in frustration. “I have enough money that we can run and they’ll never find us. We can start a new life. Get new names. Be us without the bullshit of our pasts. Leave our demons here in Lawton and get the hell away from them. Forget it all happened.”

He made it sound so easy, and I could see he believed it would be easy. That we could just start a new life. But either he was tired or he thought he had more power than he did. They’d find us. “It isn’t that simple.”

“It can be. Don’t you trust me?”

I did trust him, but the way he was talking was crazy. “We can’t just leave. They’d look for us, and we’d be running forever. Eventually they’d find us. Besides, I can’t do that to Nonna. She’s always been there for me. Always stood in the gap and never let me down. Leaving her without a word would be wrong. She’d worry herself sick.”

Gunner paced back and forth, running his hands through his hair. He reminded me of a caged lion trying to claw his way to freedom. Something had set him off. He hadn’t been manic when he’d brought me home.

“What happened? Why are you wanting to run away now?”

He threw his head back and laughed loudly. “Now? Hell, Willa, I’ve wanted to run away most of my life. I’ve never been wanted. Not once. Then the one person on earth to ever tell me they love me won’t go with me. I guess I don’t understand love that well, because I thought that meant you loved me enough to go with me.”

That was a low blow. Throwing my words back in my face. Words that I had meant and still did. But using them like this was wrong.

“Because I love you doesn’t mean I’m willing to hurt my nonna. And because I love you I won’t let you hurt your future. You have college ahead of you. A lifetime to live somewhere else and be something other than a Lawton. But leaving now won’t fix anything.”

He stopped pacing and turned to look at me. “She was raped. My mother didn’t have an affair with her father-in-law. He raped her, and then she tried to have an abortion. He threatened to ruin her name and toss her out if she killed me. So she had me to save herself. My real father then left it all to me in his will to basically say ‘fuck you’ to the rest of the family. He was sadistic and cruel, and I was his tool to punish them with. He hated my father because, like me, he was a bastard. My father isn’t his child. I’m his only blood.”

Oh God. My stomach twisted, and I sat down on the wooden bench behind me. How sick could the Lawtons get? Could this get worse? Just when I thought it was bad enough, it got more deranged.

“The mansion my grandmother lives in is mine. She’s never said a kind word to me in my life. Yet she lives on my money. I want to donate the whole damn estate to children’s cancer research and leave. Let this town forget there was a Lawton family that founded it. Because they are all crazy.”

I understood being hurt by your family. I also understood not feeling loved by your family. However, I did have Nonna. He hadn’t even had that. My heart broke for him. If I could run away with him, I would. But that wasn’t going to fix anything. Running from your problems never worked. They wouldn’t disappear, and they’d follow you. I’d tried that, and it hadn’t been my cure. Facing it and dealing with it was how I learned to survive.

“We only have six months left of senior year. Then we leave this place. You can go and not look back. Donate all you want. Make your life outside of Lawton. But don’t run. Face this and conquer it. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

He sat on the bench across from me and dropped his head into his hands. “I hate that place. That house. I hate it.”

“Nonna’s sofa is always open.”

He didn’t say anything for a few moments, and we sat in silence. I let him get his emotions together. He was raw, and I wished I could go to his house and coldcock every person in there. But that would only get me back in a correctional center.

“Next month I turn eighteen. It’ll all be mine then.”

Wow. I hadn’t realized it was so soon that it became his. There was a lot of pressure riding on him now. It was just going to get worse.

“I’m kicking them all out. Starting with the man I’ve called Father all my life. I considered letting Mom stay, but she wanted to abort me. Not sure I can forgive that. She doesn’t love or want me. Why should I love or want her? The little boy that once sought her affection is long gone.”