Under the Lights

“What?”

“It’s homecoming week. Friday night is the homecoming game, and this entire week is themed. Nineties Day today, Western Day tomorrow, Pajama Day Wednesday, I forgot what Thursday is, and Friday is always School Colors Day.”

She looked at my jersey and jeans. “You’re not in nineties attire either.”

“I’m on the team. I’m supposed to wear the jersey all week.”

Willa rolled her eyes. This was silly. I was not participating in any of it. I’d have been surprised if she was. If I didn’t get to wear my jersey every day, I wouldn’t participate in that either. Who the hell knew what nineties was supposed to look like. We were barely born in the nineties.

“All we did for homecoming at my old school was a dance after the game and a big pep rally on Friday.”

“We have those too. Except our pep rally is accompanied by a parade in the middle of town.”

She laughed. “I had forgotten about the homecoming parade. Do y’all still throw candy? I used to love for Nonna to take me for the candy.”

“Cheerleaders and band members do.”

“Do we get out of school for this?”

“Yep.”

“Sweet.”

I’d asked Serena to homecoming two weeks ago because I knew she’d be a sure thing. After our win all I’d care about was getting some. Now I was regretting that. I wanted to experience it with Willa. I could always cancel on Serena, but then she’d make Willa’s life hell. Something I wasn’t selfish enough to do.

I’m Not Feeling the School Spirit

CHAPTER 25

WILLA

US Government was a good class to start the day with. It always felt like someone was telling me a story. No complicated math problems to figure out or Human Biology, which was the hardest elective they had available here, to concentrate on. Just a good story. If they would only let us drink coffee and eat muffins in class, then it would be the perfect beginning to the day. Unfortunately, Mr. Hawks was a stickler for no food or drinks in class. He also liked to see our hands moving and taking notes.

I didn’t need notes. I was good with memory. I could listen to the story and remember all the details. Explaining that to him didn’t seem like a wise idea, so I just took notes and wished I had coffee and muffins. I also wished that I wasn’t thinking about who Gunner was taking to the homecoming dance. I was sure he wouldn’t go alone. Brady would be taking Ivy. I didn’t have to ask to know that answer. I wasn’t available to date and do things like dances anyway. I had too much to prove and too much to find a way to live with.

Caring who Gunner took wasn’t healthy, and I really shouldn’t have. But while Mr. Hawks discussed foreign policy and national defense, I was thinking about a silly high school homecoming dance that meant nothing in the grand scheme of things. It was just a dance. Not one I needed to attend. I hadn’t gone to my junior one either. Instead I’d been . . . drunk at a party.

Shaking my head to clear that memory, I focused again on Mr. Hawks and writing down what he had just said. This was all I needed to think about. Make Nonna proud and graduate high school. Then I was going to focus on proving to my mother I wasn’t a loser with no hope, while helping kids not make the mistakes I did. If I could save one life from drugs and the horror they brought, then I would. Every life I saved, I’d be doing it for Poppy . . . and Quinn.

The darkness settled in my chest again, and I felt the sick ache in my stomach as I thought of them. Quinn’s smiling face with her missing tooth. She’d just lost that front one and couldn’t whistle anymore. We had laughed and laughed at her attempts. Quinn had been such a happy three-year-old girl. She had been closer to me than my own little brother, who stayed busy with after-school sports and our mother and his father. They had a family unit I was never really allowed into.

Poppy and Quinn had been my family. I swallowed against the lump forming in my throat. I couldn’t break down in class. Listening closely, I wrote down every word out of Mr. Hawks’s mouth. Making it a game to see if I could get it all down. That focus was the only thing that would get me through this class without crying.

“You okay?” Asa whispered, leaning over closer to me.

He had gotten into class after the bell rang, so we hadn’t spoken, since Mr. Hawks had already started his lecture.

I’d completely forgotten him sitting there. I also hadn’t ever gotten close enough to him at his party Saturday night to wish him a happy birthday. I would need to apologize for that. Sucking up my emotions, I managed a smile and nodded.

He didn’t look convinced, and I was sure I wasn’t completely masking my inner pain. Although I was trying my best. Mr. Hawks began writing our assignment on the video screen that now replaced the white board. This way he never had to get up out of his desk. He could sit down and type everything out. Note the sarcasm in my voice. His love for honey buns in the morning meant he needed to do a little more standing up.

“I didn’t see you Saturday night,” Asa said after Mr. Hawks was seated with a fresh cup of coffee and a honey bun.

“I’m sorry. You had so many people around you—then I left early. I’m not a real late-night person. I like sleep.” That was the best lie I had.

He chuckled. “You’re an interesting one.”

I had no response for that.

“Did you get all those notes? I saw you writing like your life depended on it.”

I nodded, then shrugged. “Well most of them. I tried.”

He cocked an eyebrow and leaned toward me. “Can I borrow them? I was too busy watching you to get them all. Or any.”