Undeclared

Off to see Josh play today. Won’t be back until tomorrow. ~ G

My ride was a couple. They had agreed to drive me in exchange for tickets to the game. I wasn’t sure if they were Josh’s tickets or someone else’s. The girl told me she was hung over and planned to sleep the entire ride, which sounded like a pretty awesome plan to me. Alone in the back seat, I closed my eyes and was out before the car even left the city limits.

Once we got there, they dropped me off at the gate and went to park.

Not a skin suit yet, I texted impulsively to Noah. I almost wished I had taken him up on his invitation to come with me.

I received an immediate response. They could be saving their gruesome acts until the ride home.

I took a picture of their license plate. You know what to do if I don’t show up at the library on Sunday. I sent Noah the picture I had taken.

Don’t mock me. Rather have a pic of you.

Like Lana, I had my own body insecurities and preferred to be on the other side of the camera. The lens side.

Can’t. Never learned how to take selfie.

Noah replied with a picture of Finn and Bo wrestling a keg into place in what must be Noah’s backyard. Party won’t be good without you.

Are you camera shy too?

Nah, just withholding the good stuff ‘til I see you.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

If that’s true, I expect a really warm welcome when you get back tomorrow.

We were flirting. Even a dunderhead like me could pick that up. Giddiness spread through my body, and, while I missed Noah, I realized that I needed this. This small separation reminded me of what it was like when Noah had sent me that Dear Jane letter telling me we should just be friends. I remembered how empty I had felt after that letter, an emptiness that Noah filled when I saw him again on campus. It was easy to be prickly within his steady presence, but now that we were away once more, I realized how much I wanted to be with him.

When I got back, it would be no more games. I would tell him straight out how much he hurt me, how much I wanted him, and how scared I was. Then the ball would be in his court.

I realized then that is what I should do with the Art program, too. I needed to stop living the fear of failure. By not submitting my photographs to be reviewed, I was guaranteeing my continued failure, just like Lana had said. Sure it was easy to say that photography was just my hobby or that I didn’t want to infect it with money. But I needed to grow up and accept my lumps, whatever they may be. I had survived one break-up with Noah; I could make it through another. I could even survive rejection from the art department.

I guess we’ll see tomorrow how warm I can be. I texted back, deliberately provocative. So brave, I thought to myself, when I didn’t have to be there in front of Noah. His response took a minute, but when it came, I felt flushed with excitement and happiness.

Sorry for the delay in replying. Had to adjust myself. Can’t wait. Be safe and don’t look at anyone but your brother.

Yes, sir. I wished there was a salute emoticon, but there wasn’t, so I sent a winking smiley face. ;)

I headed for the will call booth to pick up my tickets. Inside the envelope with my name on it were two tickets, a lanyard, and a note from Josh.

Come to the Fieldhouse after the game. Someone will let you in. Just wait for me.

The game was a blowout. Everyone was scoring touchdowns for State, and Josh was pulled from the game early in the fourth quarter. I sighed in relief and happiness. Post-game celebratory attitudes were a lot more fun to deal with than the post-game mopes. I had taken some great photographs early in the first quarter and then went down to sit in the friends and family section.

I said hello to the parents I recognized. Nate Levacki’s parents both hugged me and said they missed me but promised that they took good care of Josh whenever I missed a game. Nate, who we all called by his last name, was Josh’s roommate and the starting tight end. Mom never came to Josh’s games and after the first year, Levacki’s parents finally stopped asking about her.

By the time I got down to the Fieldhouse, the team had apparently already started changing, as several of the players drifted out toward the exit with street clothes and wet hair. Josh, unfortunately, didn’t show up for at least thirty minutes more.

By that time, I had stretched out onto the floor along one wall within the hallway of the Fieldhouse, the painted white brick walls protecting me on one side and my backpack serving as my pillow. I threw my arm over my eyes to protect them from the harsh fluorescents that lit the hallway. I was a little tired from the game and the drive. Josh finally showed up and woke me from my nap by nearly stepping on me.

“Nice bed, Grace,” Levacki smirked.

“I wouldn’t have had to lie down if you prima donnas hadn’t taken time to Bieberize your hair.” I referenced his carefully styled sideswept bangs and stood up.

“I’ve got to give the ladies an excuse to brush the hair out of my eyes,” Levacki replied, swinging his head to the side so his bangs lifted and resettled.

“Guys who wear more product in their hair than a girl are never going to get laid,” I said.

“Kids, kids, kids.” Josh laid a hand on both of our shoulders and separated us, forestalling any sexually suggestive comeback Levacki might have had. Josh liked to pretend I was still twelve and tried to prevent any male from saying anything that intimated I might know what a penis was or what it was used for.

Another teammate of Josh’s came up and slapped him on the back. “Good game. See you at West End?” The teammate peered around Levacki and Josh at me. I gave a little wave. “You can bring the chick. She’s hot.”

“This is my sister, you asshole,” Josh scowled. The reference to my supposed hotness got Levacki’s back up, as well, and he pushed the teammate away. “We’re not taking her to that hell hole.”

The player shrugged and walked off. “Your loss,” echoed down the hallway.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“Some girl Levacki is seeing suggested a new bar that has a battle of the bands tonight.”

That did sound halfway entertaining, plus I could tease Levacki about his new girlfriend. We grabbed some food and went back to the guys’ apartment, where we all played video games for a bit. Several other of Josh’s teammates arrived. Josh pulled me into the kitchen to grill me about why I was staying overnight. Usually I just did a day trip but this time, I asked Josh to find me a ride that would stay until tomorrow.

“Don’t give me this bullshit about missing me, either,” he warned. I hopped up on the counter while Josh pulled a beer out of the refrigerator.

I picked at the label of the bottle he handed me. “I just wanted to get away from Central.”

“What about this Noah kid?”

Oh, Lana. She had apparently called Josh in a preemptive move, and now he was going to flex his big brother muscle. I rolled my eyes.

“Just some guy,” I shredded the label with my fingers, pulling off one soggy bit at time. The bits felt wet and cold in my hand, like used Kleenex. It was kind of gross. I shook the mashed-up label onto the counter.

“Some guy you wrote to for four years showed up on your doorstep out of the blue?” He sounded skeptical.

“How do you know all of that?” I asked shocked.

Josh threw me a disbelieving look. “You are my sister. We lived in the same house. Hello.”

I shrugged. “You never asked me about it.”

“It didn’t seem important at the time, but now that he’s come halfway across the country to go to same college as you, I think he qualifies as a person of interest.” Josh was getting his criminal justice degree. He wanted to go FBI if the football thing didn’t work out for him.

“We’re just friends,” I lied. I wasn’t about to tell Josh anything until Noah and I had settled things between us. Maybe it was part superstition, but mostly it was just self-preservation. If I admitted to having feelings for Noah, this lecture from Josh could be unending.

“But Lana said—”

I held up my hand and interrupted him. “It’s really no big deal. I can’t imagine you want to think about my love life.”

He grimaced. “Right. Okay. Well, be careful. Guys suck. They only want one thing. Lecture over.”

Thank goodness. I was right to keep my developing relationship with Noah private. After Josh kicked everyone out, he and I piled into Levacki’s car and headed to the bar where the bands were playing. Josh had handed me an ID. “It’s an old ID from a sorority sister of Levacki’s new girl. So remember when we get to the door your name is ‘Sara.’’”

“Can I keep this?”

Levacki shrugged from the driver’s seat. “Why not? I’ll just say you lost it or something.”

“Cool.” My own fake wasn’t even a fake but a real license with a picture of a brunette who didn’t look much like me, though in the dark light of a nightclub it could easily pass as legitimate. This would be useful if Noah and I wanted to go out.

When we got to the club, the bouncer recognized Josh and waved us through without requiring us to pay cover or show our IDs. Josh’s celebrity can be a hassle at times, but admittedly it got us a few nice perks. Someone had even set up a roped-off area for the bands that were competing, and a couple of tables were cleared off and set up for Josh, Nate, and the other players who came.

Our corner was right off the dance floor. I could tell that other girls were wondering how I came to be with Josh and Nate. Once they found out I was Josh’s sister, every time I went to the bathroom one of them would be there telling me how pretty I was so that I could report back to Josh how nice they were. I wanted to tell them that a) this hadn’t worked since I was twelve, and b) there was no way Josh would bring home some girl from the bar when I was with him.

He pretended that he was setting a good example. I guess he never realized how much girls gossiped about guys and sex, because I had gotten an earful ever since he started making the rounds in high school. I kept quiet about it, though, knowing he would be mortified. I certainly was.

I allowed myself to drink heavily. Josh and others were there with me, so I knew I was safe. The liquor desensitized me, and I became more frenetic as the night went on, dancing and carousing in my little group. I actually ended up having a good time. Josh eventually had enough, though, tired of babysitting me and maybe just exhausted from the game. We left Levacki there acting as the dancing pole for a few girls. He looked happy.

***

Josh saw me off on Sunday. “Be careful down there at Central. Have you thought about joining the chess club? I bet those guys’d make good boyfriends.”

I scrunched up my nose. “They have sex in the chess club, too. I hear it’s really crazy. The winner sweeps the chess pieces off the table and then just takes their partner right there on the table.”

Josh look horrified and partly intrigued and said, “No shit?”

I laughed at him. “I have no idea, but this is the very reason I didn’t go to State with you. You’d have been monitoring the dating pool non-stop.”

He didn’t even look ashamed at being caught.

“Just looking out for my baby sister.” Ruffling my hair, he handed the backpack to me and shut the door. Tapping on the front window, he handed the driver some cash for gas, and we headed back to State.

I tossed my phone back and forth between my hands, unable to sleep on the return trip. I wondered whether I should text Noah and when we would meet up again. I wondered what I should wear. I hadn’t ever bought sex underwear before, and I assumed that I would be having sex with Noah at some point in the near future.

The thought made me faint with worry and overly excited. I needed to have a long talk with Lana. Were there books I should read on making it good for Noah? Should I be watching some porn? Questions ping-ponged back and forth in my head during the whole trip home. I was relieved when we pulled up to my apartment.

I thanked the two for the ride and asked, “Do you guys need more money for the trip?”

“No, we’re good. Text us anytime you need a ride,” the guy responded. I nodded and slid out the door. It was time to do some research.

Noah

When I was in high school, we managed to have keggers courtesy of an assistant wresting coach who was old enough to buy beer and young and stupid enough to be willing to supply it to underage kids. While there was a social hierarchy observed at the parties, it usually started with male student athlete rather than rich kid.

I never played sports in high school, even though I had the build. I didn’t have money, either. But I did a good job of looking dangerous, which was enough reason for many of the girls to walk over to me while I stood, holding up a wall at these parties. Friendship with Bo, who was rich and did play football, didn’t hurt.

As I leaned against one of the posts holding up the roof over our deck, I couldn’t help but be reminded of those days. Present but not quite belonging. Even though I lived here and had more right than anyone—besides my roommates—to be standing where I was, I still fit poorly. I was always just waiting for someone to kick me out.