Troubles and Treats

“Dude, this is f**king awesome!” I tell him as I step outside onto the porch to get a good look at my new case. It’s the best piece of furniture I’ve ever seen. This thing will easily hold all of my trophies and medals, and this guy, who could probably tell I didn’t like him at first, had made it for me just to be nice.

Or he still wants to steal my wife and this is his way of distracting me. While I’m busy setting up my trophies, he’s going to be upstairs having sex with my wife.

“Oh, I almost forgot. I got this for you too,” Jackson says as he steps down off of the porch and picks something up that he had left by our bushes.

When he turns around, he’s cradling a garden gnome in his arms. But not just any garden gnome. This little guy is wearing an Ohio State football uniform from my alma mater. Instead of a weird garden gnome hat, he’s wearing a silver football helmet with a red and white stripe down the center. He’s also got on an Ohio State football jersey with my old number painted on it, and he’s holding a football in his arm.

Now, normally, I am not an advocate of garden gnomes. They are creepy little bastards that come to life at night and ass rape you while you’re sleeping. They hover over your head on your pillow and just wait until you flip over on your stomach so they can take off the covers and have their way with you. This hasn’t been proven scientifically yet, but I’m sure it’s only a matter of time. It’s also the reason why I always wear a belt to bed. I’m not making it easy for them to get my sweet ass!

Jenny has always wanted to get a gnome for our front yard - the one where the little creepy guy is sitting on a dock holding a fishing pole. Every time we are anywhere near a garden store she begs me to let her buy it. And every time, I have to remind her what those things are capable of. Especially one with a fishing pole.

Good God, woman! Do you know what kind of harm could come to my ass with a garden gnome carrying a fishing pole? Unspeakable acts will be conducted. UNSPEAKABLE.

I had never thought I would see the day where I would welcome a garden gnome into my yard. But this one is a winner. I can see it in his eyes that he would never hurt me. He would never use his evil garden gnome way against me.

“Jenny is always talking about how she wants a garden gnome but that you don’t like them. I saw this one the other day and thought you might approve of it, so I had the guy at the store paint your old jersey number on it,” Jackson says as he hands the little football guy over to me.

“I’m naming him Buckeye and he will be my friend forever,” I say softly as I pat Buckeye’s head and then set him down on the first step of the porch.

With one last smile in Buckeye’s direction, I help Jackson carry the trophy case down into the basement and then he helps me place all of my trophies into it before going back upstairs.

“Hey, Jackson!” Jenny says as she meets us at the top of the stairs with Billy in her arms. “How was your date last night?”

Jackson laughs and I look back and forth between the two of them.

Date? Jackson had a date? With a woman that isn’t my wife? This day just keeps getting better and better.

“Oh man, it was so awesome, Jenny! We had such a good time and you will be happy to know it turned into a sleepover,” Jackson says with a smile.

Wow, I didn’t know the guy had it in him! Banging on the first date is so me. I feel so close to him right now.

“I’m so happy for you! So you guys obviously hit it off. Are you going out again? Jenny asks as she shifts Billy to her other arm.

“Yep, we’re going out again tonight. Although, after the wake-up call I got this morning, I’m surprised I can even function or walk right now!”

Jenny and Jackson laugh and I just want to wrap this guy up in a hug and jump up and down in happiness that he’s found a chick to bang, and I can stop freaking out.

I reach over and pat Jackson on the back. “That’s awesome news, dude. I’m happy for you.”

Jackson smiles again and I think I might even see him blush a little.

“Thanks. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this good about someone. Dave is a great guy. I can’t wait for you guys to meet him. Is it okay if I use your bathroom?” he asks.

Jenny tells him to go ahead and use the half bath downstairs which is a good thing because my brain is somewhere in outer space right now and I need a minute without him in the room.

“Dave? Tell me that’s some weird chick’s name,” I whisper to Jenny as Jackson walks down the hall to the bathroom.

“Um, no. Jackson is g*y. I told you that,” she says as she walks into the kitchen to grab a few bottles from the fridge to pack into the diaper bag.

“No, you most certainly did NOT tell me that! I’m pretty sure that is something I would have clearly remembered,” I complain as I glance behind me down the hall to where Jackson disappeared.

“What’s the big deal? We know plenty of g*y people. You’re not turning into a homeopathic are you?” she demands angrily.

“No, I’m not turning into someone who uses alternative medicine,” I reply with a laugh.

“This isn’t funny, Drew. If you have a problem with g*y people, we have a serious issue.”

“I don’t have a problem with g*y people! I have a problem with thinking some guy wants to bang my wife when the entire time he wants to bang the Hershey Highway. This would have saved me a lot of headaches, let me tell you,” I explain.