Troubles and Treats

“I’m a winner,” I tell him.

“I’m more awesome than all these people,” he states.

“I’m more awesome than all these people.”

“If I win this thing, I will take my husband home and f**k his brains out.”

I stare at him for a minute, raising my eyebrow at his statement.

“SAY IT!”

I sigh and roll my eyes. “If I win this thing, I will take my husband home and f**k his brains out.”

Drew sniffles. “I think I’m going to cry.”

“What’s up, ass**les?” Jim asks as he walks up to us with Carter and Claire.

“Just giving Jenny a last minute pep talk before the race,” Drew informs him.

“There’s no need for that,” Carter says. “Claire is going to kick everyone’s ass.”

Drew laughs and shakes his head. “Oh that’s hilarious, limp dick! I know for a fact that Jenny will be the victor.”

“The Victor? Who’s Victor? Is that like some vibrator champion or something? Is the race named after this Victor guy?”

Claire pats my shoulder and just smiles at me. I guess she already knows about Victor. I’m always the last to know everything.

“What toy did she pick?” Carter asks Drew.

“The silver bullet, baby!”

Carter laughs and shakes his head. “Seriously? The bullet is like the grandfather of vibrators. Are you sure it can last long enough without needing to take a nap? There’s no way that thing is going to win.”

Drew crosses his arms and glares at Carter. “Really? So what amazing vibrator is Claire using?”

Carter smirks and wraps his arms around Claire’s waist from behind, resting his chin on top of her head. “The brand new, hot from the factory Butterfly FX 2000.”

It’s Drew’s turn to laugh now and he throws his head back, letting out a loud chuckle. “The Butterfly FX 2000? You’ve got to be kidding me! That’s child’s play! Have you even read the reviews on that thing? Did you conduct wind velocity tests and check water submersion quality? You can’t go into this thing half cocked, my friend. You guys really should leave this race to the professionals.”

“How about we put a little wager on the race?” Jim asks, pulling his wallet out of his back pocket. “I’ve got ten bucks on Jenny.”

Claire gives him a dirty look. “Hey!”

“Sorry,” Jim says with a shrug. “Jenny kind of is an expert with these things. You’ve only been doing this for a little while. She’s got years on you.”

The men all place their bets and Jim holds on to the money since he doesn’t have a wife in the race. Liz makes another announcement over the microphone that everyone should get into their assigned tents because the races are starting. Claire and I are going to be in the same tent for the first heat and that calms my nerves quite a bit. Even though Drew will be close by, having a friend with me makes me even more comfortable.

We all walk together under the tent and greet the other participants. There are six other women and two men. I really don’t understand the men being here and being allowed to participate. How exactly does THAT work? It doesn’t really seem fair since they could do this race pretty easily without a vibrator but whatever. I don't make up the rules. I’m sure Liz knows what she’s doing.

According to the judge in our tent, everyone in the race will go at the same time. I like that idea better than individually since not everyone will be looking at me. He doesn’t really give any more explanation though, and I stare at the table in front of us in confusion.

“Am I supposed to just get up on that thing?” I quietly ask Drew.

He glances around at everyone else and no one is making a move to get on the table. They all have their chosen vibrators out and are testing the speeds on them.

“I don’t know what the table is for. It’s not like you can all fit on it at one time. Maybe it’s for support. Like, you can hold onto it if you need to. It would have been better if they provided cots or something, but you gotta work with what you got.”

I shrug and pull the velvet bag out of my pocket, sliding the bullet out and fiddling with the speed control.

“I know you usually start that thing off slow and work your way up, but now isn’t the time for slow. Crank that puppy up full speed and take these mother f**kers out!” Drew says excitedly.

“Racers, take your mark!” the judge shouts.

Everyone starts clapping, whistling, and cheering. I clutch the bullet in my hand, double checking to make sure it’s set to super high speed. I glance over at Claire and she’s got her butterfly resting on top of the table. I notice everyone else in the race has done the same thing.

Am I supposed to put the bullet on the table too? Is that like the starting off position?

I decide to do what everyone else is doing and set the silver cylinder on the table top in between a pink rabbit and a yellow dolphin.

“Get set!” the judge yells.

Everyone around the table hunches over their toys. Drew and the guys have stepped back a few feet away from us to give us room. I kind of want to tell him to come back closer to me because this is always easier for me if he’s touching me in some way at the same time, but like he had said, I have to work with what I’ve got.

“GO!” the judge yells, holding a small air horn above his head, pressing the button for a single, loud noise indicating the race has begun. ns class="adsbygoogle" style="display:block" data-ad-client="ca-pub-7451196230453695" data-ad-slot="9930101810" data-ad-format="auto" data-full-width-responsive="true">