Troubles and Treats

As we had curled up in her bed, I picked my cell phone up from her nightstand and smiled to myself when I saw that she had indeed changed my Facebook status. Now it had said: I’m totally getting a BJ tonight.

Chapter 10 –Mace, Tasers, and Giant Testicles

“I’m telling you, Liz, someone is following me,” I argue as I put on my blinker at the stop light to turn into Target.

“I think you’re just paranoid,” Liz’s voice states, coming through the speakers of the car. “You haven’t had a good night’s sleep in months and you’re not having sex. I’ve heard that causes hallucinations.”

I roll my eyes as the light turns green and I pull into the parking lot. I check my rear-view mirror every few seconds as I drive up and down the aisle looking for a parking space.

“I’ve been to three places this afternoon and each time there was a black SUV with tinted windows parked a few cars down from me or driving a few cars behind me. Every time I look in the mirror I see that damn car,” I tell her as I finally find a spot. “I have a stalker. I just know it. I know I’ve always said I wish I had a stalker because I thought it would be cool and romantic, but I changed my mind.”

I hear Liz laugh through the speakers as I turn around in my seat and search the parking lot for the SUV.

“If you’re seriously freaked out, why don’t you call Drew?”

“Because, he’ll just race over here and make a testicle of himself,” I mumble as I continue searching the lot.

“He’s already a giant testicle. Don’t you mean spectacle?”

“No, he doesn’t wear glasses. Didn’t I tell you what he did when those Jehovah’s Witnesses came to the door and he thought they were threatening me? I didn’t want to be mean but I couldn’t get them off the damn porch. Drew came around the corner and heard me getting frustrated, pushed me out of the way, flung open the door, and started speaking in thongs,” I explain.

“Tongues. For f**k’s sake. He started speaking in tongues.”

I huff in irritation. “Whatever. He started screaming all this nonsense with wild, crazy eyes and banging his head like he was at a rock concert. Those poor old people hobbled off the porch and ran to their car. If I call him right now, he’ll start racing around the parking lot, busting old people’s hips and scaring children.”

“Alright, I’ll tell you what. Claire and I are getting ready to close up. We’ll meet you at the Starbucks in town for a coffee in like thirty minutes and see if we notice anyone looking suspicious. Will that make you feel better?” she asks.

“Yes, much better. I’ll see you in thirty.”

I disconnect the call, get out of the car, and run as fast as I can into Target just in case my stalker wants to try and run me down.

~

“Jenny, this is ridiculous. I am not putting this shit on,” Liz complains as she throws the Target bag back into my lap.

We had all managed to pull into the Starbucks parking lot at the exact same time. I had parked next to Liz’s car and motioned for her and Claire to get into mine so they could change into their outfits before we did this thing.

“Shut up and just put them on. You don’t want this lunatic to know we’re on to him, do you?” I ask in irritation as I throw the bag back at Liz.

She turns around to look into the backseat just as Claire pulls off her t-shirt and slides on the black, long-sleeved shirt I bought her at Target.

“Oh my God. Are you seriously changing?” Liz asks her with a dumbfounded look on her face.

Claire’s movements halt in the middle of unbuttoning her jeans so she can change into the black leggings I had also purchased. “What? Black is slimming. Even if there isn’t a stalker, I’ll look good drinking my coffee. Plus, Carter’s been begging to do some role playing. I can creep into the bedroom window later and pretend I’m a cat burglar that suddenly wants to bang the man she’s robbing.”

“Didn’t Carter get second degree burns on his ass last time you two role played?” I question.

“Yeah. Pretending to be a cooking instructor and telling him to hop up on the stove so I could ‘lick his beaters’ wasn’t a good idea. We both forgot the stove was on. I went to the emergency room wearing just an apron for a shirt. Okay, so maybe I won’t sneak in the bedroom window. Someone could get shot.”

Liz is still staring in stunned silence as Claire pulls a black skull cap down over the top of her head.

“You’re sure you saw the SUV driving behind you after you left Target?” Liz asks for the third time since getting in the car.

“Oh no!” I yell.

“No you didn’t see the SUV?” Liz asks in confusion.

“No! I mean yes! I said oh no because the SUV is right there, parked across the street,” I explain frantically as I point out Liz’s window.

Liz and Claire’s heads whip around, and they both stare at the black SUV parked on the corner with no one inside.

“Holy shit. Maybe you are being followed,” Liz mutters.

“Duh!” I yell as I smack her arm.

“Jenny, last year you made me come over in the middle of the night while Drew was at work because you said a colony of spider eggs hatched and your bedroom was so full of spiders you couldn’t even see the floor anymore and you were afraid they would eat Veronica. When I got to your house, there was one spider hanging from its web over your bed,” Liz states. “Forgive me if I tend not to believe you.” ns class="adsbygoogle" style="display:block" data-ad-client="ca-pub-7451196230453695" data-ad-slot="9930101810" data-ad-format="auto" data-full-width-responsive="true">