To Thine Own Self

"Alright, I accept responsibility for killing your horse, but it was an accident. Get over it! I didn't ask to be attacked by Rob yesterday." The volume and intensity of her voice rose with every word. "I did nothing to encourage him and you did absolutely nothing to prevent it. You promised to protect me, but instead you ran off and left me to take care of myself." Her voice reached a high plateau for the grand finale. "I thought you were responsible enough to wear the pants, but you're not even responsible enough to stay home and take care of your family!"

If he had a response, it was lost when she threw the phone. It bounced off the wall and hit the floor, parts flying off as it slid across the hardwood floor. In total loss of her temper, she marched over and stomped on the phone, grinding it under her boot heel.

"Mommy?" a small voice whimpered.

Natalie stood at the end of the hall, half hidden behind the wall, her eyes large and imploring.

Temper abandoned her then, leaving nothing but weakness and shame.

Natalie cringed when Carmen ran to her. Carmen gathered her gently into her arms and held her close.

"I'm sorry sweetie. I lost my temper. Will you forgive me?"

Natalie gazed up at her wide-eyed. "Mommy bad?"

Carmen hugged her. "Yes, mommy was very bad."

"It okay mommy." Natalie patted her on the shoulder.

Children were so forgiving and compassionate. The tears came suddenly and unbidden. Carmen shook with the intensity of the sobs. Nothing was ever going to be okay again. Alex was gone from their lives, leaving a void no one could fill. From now on she wouldn't live. She would simply exist.

"Momma?" Another timid voice came from the hallway. "Is Daddy ever going to come home?"

Carmen shifted Natalie to one hip and gulped a sob as she tried to divert the flow of tears so that she could see. It was Destiny this time, and Jonathan stood beside her, holding Matthew.

In a way Alex was right. Although he started this by leaving, the children would follow her lead in reacting to the situation. Right now they were frightened and lost - which was pretty much the way she felt. What they needed was a smiling and carefree face. That was a little more than she could do at the moment, but she could be supportive.

"Mommy isn't feeling well right now," she explained. It wasn't untrue. There had been few times in her life when she felt as bad as she did now. "How would you like to go out for ice cream with Felipa when she gets back?"