Three, Two, One (321)

“He’s what?” she says from the other side.

I rub my hand down my face and pull my legs up so I can rest my elbows on my knees.

“He’s what?” she asks, more mad than sad now. “Just tell me what the hell is going on here!”

“Just open the door,” I whisper. “You have to open the door because no matter what he’s done, I still love the guy, OK? And I’m not going to tell this story unless I can tell it to your face.”

Silence. For several long moments.

She unlocks the door with a click, and I scramble to my feet so I can see her face when she pulls it open. Her eyes are red and her face is pale. Like she’s sick. Or scared.

“Blue,” I say, reaching for her. But she pulls back, just out of reach, and wraps her arms around herself in a tight hug.

“Just tell me,” she begs, her anger gone. “Because I love him too.” Her eyes get glassy and then tears spill down her cheeks like rivers. “I love him too. I didn’t know,” she says, starting to sob again. “I responded to everything—”

I reach out and pull her into a hug. “Shhh. No more of that. Stop thinking about that. I should never have let you stay here, but I wanted you, Blue. I wanted you like nothing I’ve ever wanted before in my life. And maybe it’s just because I was lonely. And tired of this job. Tired of the lies and the girls, and the dirty sex. I needed something good. Something that could wipe away all that stuff and make me feel human again. And I knew the whole time you needed help. Just like I knew the whole time JD needed help.”

She crumbles. Her body goes limp as her knees buckle. She almost falls to the ground before I scoop her up and carry her out of JD’s room, down the hallway, past the living room, and back to our bedroom.

I set her down on the bed, and then climb in next to her. She’s naked and I still have my coat and boots on. But who fucking cares.

We just get in bed like that and I pull her on top of me so her face is tucked up under my chin. Her tears drop onto my skin, round the curve of my neck, and then slide down my back until they met the sheets beneath me.

I take a deep breath.

“The first time I saw JD, I was coming out of the bus station and he was across the street, fighting his way out of a four-on-one fight, and even though JD is pretty badass, he’s not that good. But he was yelling like a motherfucker. You took my kid, he said, over and over. And each time he said it, he landed a punch or a kick or some other attack. Like those words were his mantra. The only thing keeping him going.

“By the time I got across the street, they pretty much had him. So I intervened. First with a threat of the police, which got nothing. And then a gun.”

Blue is silent on top of me.

“They backed off with lots of threats for JD. They’d be back. He was dead. Blah, blah, blah. And since I had nowhere to stay, and I just saved his ass, he let me stay with him for a little while.”

“They took his baby? Sold it?”

I nod. “She was given to some family. He knew that, but he didn’t know which family and, of course, they never told him. His girlfriend was dead by then. We didn’t know that though. So I bounced into town with a bunch of money and a plan. But my whole life, everything I thought I was doing, got sidetracked that night when I met JD. He had this immediate problem, ya know? Something I could grab onto and maybe even fix. Right? And that’s how all this started.”

“So what’s wrong with him? I can feel it, Ark. When we’re alone together, I get glimpses. Like there’s something dark behind that charming smile. Behind those amazing eyes. Something he hides away. But when we were having sex—”

“Fuck,” I say, taking a deep breath. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

“—he’d look at me when he put his hand on my throat. There was always a moment when I was terrified. Just before things went black and the stars took over. But when I came to again, he was always telling me sweet things. He loved me. He’d never hurt me. This was only in fun. And I believed him—”

“He means it, Blue. He does. But he’s fucked up over what happened the night before I came to town. The night we think his girlfriend died and he lost his baby girl. He never got over it.”

“How did she die?”

“I have no idea. We never did figure that out. It took us two years to find her grave. Just a little marker in the ground.”

“Why does he like to be so rough?”

I close my eyes. So tired of this. So tired of thinking about JD and his violence.

“You know why don’t you?”

I shake my head, like I always do. “I don’t know why, Blue. But he’s always been like that since I’ve known him. He’s rough with the Public Fuck girls too. Too rough. But that shit sells.”

A wave of shame floods over me.

Blue isn’t dumb. She’s gonna figure all this out sooner or later. And then she’s gonna leave me. She’s never gonna talk to me again. She’s going to turn around, walk out, call her family, and never look back.

Because we are a couple of sick motherfuckers.

“Do you know why?” She asks it as a question this time.

“I don’t. But I have a few guesses that I’m not going into tonight. I just want to say I’m sorry, Blue. And if you want to leave—”

“You want me to leave?” She tries to sit up so she can look me in the face, but I can’t do that now. I can’t.