Three, Two, One (321)

He presses my palm into his cheek. The freshness of his skin grounds me again. “You’re so beautiful. Your eyes are like the water you see in those pictures of paradise. A color that can’t be described because a word for it can’t do it justice. And your hair is gold, like the sun. You’re my paradise, Blue. You and Ark are all I have left.”

“I’m yours, JD. If you want me, I’m yours.”

“No, Blue,” he whispers back. “You’re ours.”

And then he pushes me back onto the bed and gets up on his knees. He grips my thighs and opens them up so he can position himself between my legs. His cock is so hard it stands up, like it’s reaching for his belly. The tip is glistening and my pussy throbs with anticipation. As soon as he enters me, he places his hand on my throat, lightly squeezing. His thumb is on my pulsing artery, his fingers along the other side of my jaw.

He thrusts inside me, pressing against the aching throb in my neck, filling me up and making me cry out with my last breath.

I see stars. I see heaven. I see every good thing I ever forgot. I feel the pain mixed with the pleasure. And his hard body—muscled and sweaty from confessions, and lust, and need—weighs me down. My throat stops drawing in air and my chest stops rising. And in that same moment the darkness takes over.

In that same moment… we come.

Ray is nowhere to be found when I get to his private quarters where my editing office is, so I spend the next four hours wondering. And I have no shortage of things to wonder about.

JD. How strong is he these days? Strong enough to hear what Gabriel told me without killing someone if it turns out to be true? Killing himself if it adds up to nothing? Do I want to risk either of those things by telling him? Do I want to risk our friendship, and whatever may be developing with the addition of Blue, by not telling him?

How am I competent to make this decision alone? Why am I in this position in the first place? Why do people trust me? Why in the ever-loving fuck do people put their trust in me?

I admit, that has been on my mind a lot over the past year.

When I got off the bus and found JD, that was a stroke of luck. I thought for sure my life was on track.

But it wasn’t. It’s not on track. It’s so far off-track, I don’t even know who I am anymore. No matter how much money I make, it’s not enough to erase the reason I came to Denver in the first place. No matter how successful I appear, the last four years add up to nothing but failure. After all the girls I’ve come across on the streets, why does Blue have to be the one who makes a difference? Why now?

Because you got comfortable, Ark, my inner voice says. You got used to this life. Started to enjoy it.

And that’s true. It’s not a bad life. And it’s about to get even better. We are a few weeks away from Public Fuck America going live.

Why now?

I stopped questioning the whole idea that doing bad things can lead to good. I stopped feeling guilty. Stopped keeping myself awake at night wondering what I’m doing. Why I’m doing it.

Blue was wrong when she said I wasn’t invested. I am invested. Just not in the way she thinks.

The software I’m running completes the rendering of the movie, and I save it to the weekly outgoing folder so I can upload it on Sunday when we complete our last week of contract work for Ray.

This is it. I’m about to go big time. And all those doors that have been closed to me for the last four years will open. But if men like Gabriel are behind those doors, what then? Does the end really justify the means? Am I a sick piece of shit for participating in this business, even if my intentions are good?

I can’t answer that. I’m not capable of self-judgment. The money blinds me. The partnership with JD blinds me. Hell, even Blue blinds me.

I shut down my computer and push away from my desk feeling more lost than I have in years. Seeing Lanie last weekend isn’t helping things much, either. In fact, I think she’s the whole reason I’m having this reawakening in the first place.

I came into Ray’s place thinking he might be part of the problem. But he’s not the problem. I am. He’s not the one hoarding secrets. I am. He’s not the one selling his soul. He never wrestled with the line between good and evil. Ray is just a guy who saw an opportunity and took it.

And I could be just like him.

Or I could’ve been just like him.

But now that Blue is here I’m questioning the road forward.

Public Fuck with JD and Blue?

Or cash out and go home?

I nod to the guards standing outside Ray’s private floor and head back up the stairs to my waiting Jeep. The ground is covered in a few inches of fresh snow and I have to warm the old girl up for a few minutes before heading home in the pre-dawn light. By the time I make it back to my own parking garage, the snow is falling in large, round flakes.

Inside the apartment it’s cold, our winter heating settings not yet ready to kick in, so I adjust the thermostat and walk outside onto the terrace to take in the city before it wakes up.

Is this my city now? Denver? Will I stay here forever? Take Ray’s place once he retires?

Or will I move on? Get out as soon as I can?

I look over my shoulder, past the terrace doors. Into the condo. Will I leave JD behind if I go? I try to imagine a life without JD and find that I can’t. And it’s not because I want to marry the guy. I don’t. I want a wife and kid. I want what most men want.

But I want JD to be there too. It hurts to think of leaving him behind if this ends. What will happen to him? Will he be able to go on without me? And aren’t I full of myself? To think that he needs me as much as I need him.