Thoughtless

I numbly turned my head to look over at Kellan. Would he be mad at me for that? Would he be mad at me for not talking to Denny today? Surely he could understand how hard this was for me. Meeting his gaze however, I only saw love in his eyes.

He grabbed my hand under the table and started talking, as if we had been on a date the entire evening and my boyfriend had not just thoroughly kissed me and left the bar.

"I was wondering...since you probably don't want to take me home to your parents yet," he paused and looked at me meaningfully, "which I completely understand." He smiled. "Maybe you'd like to spend winter break with me here? Or we could go up to Whistler? Canada is beautiful and..." He stopped and looked at me curiously. "Do you ski?" He shook his head, not waiting for a response from me, which was good, since I couldn't form words yet. "Well, if not...we don't have to leave our room." He grinned wickedly at me.

I was staring at his blue eyes and I was hearing his words...but I wasn't seeing him, and I wasn't absorbing what he was saying, other than he wanted to spend winter break with me. Unknowingly, he was asking me the same thing Denny just had. Kellan continued going on and on about what we could do in Canada and I tuned him out.

My mind started thinking about what Denny had asked in the car. Denny wanted to take me home with him to meet his parents, before we moved over there. Only, that wasn't the plan any more. We would be over by then, we would be over soon, and he would go home alone. I swallowed painfully and my mind tortured me, by allowing every memory I had of him to flood through me.

I remembered our first meeting. He had been smiling at all the students as they walked in and my breath caught when I saw him. I blushed slightly and looked down when his smile turned to me. The professor had him pass out some papers to the class, and as I was sitting on the edge of the row, he handed me a large stack to pass down to the others beside me.

"Hello. Enjoying the class so far?" he said quietly, and the surprise over hearing his delightful accent, and honestly, having his attractive face so close to mine, had caused me to clumsily drop the entire stack of papers to the floor.

"I'm so sorry," I said, as I knelt down beside him to help him pick them up, my face surely bright red.

"It's okay," he said sweetly. When we were all finished, he stuck his hand out. "My name's Denny Harris."

I blushed again and shook his hand. "Kiera...Allen," I mumbled.

He helped me stand up and carefully re-handed me the stack. "It's nice to meet you, Kiera." He had said it warmly, and even now I remembered the thrill of hearing his accent curl around my name that first time. I hadn't been able to take my eyes off of him after that day. I'd had to work extra hard paying attention in that class.

I remembered our first date. He had asked me one afternoon in the quad. I had been completely surprised and definitely eager. I tried to keep a smooth face though, as I'd casually said "sure". He picked me up that night and we went to a very nice restaurant overlooking the river. He suggested something good to eat, but let me make my own choice. He never even let me see the bill, and we had an amazingly easy conversation all throughout dinner. Afterwards he held my hand, and we walked down the sidewalk talking casually, neither one of us wanting the evening to end. When it did end, he walked me to my door and gave me the softest, sweetest kiss that anyone had ever given me. I think I fell for him on that night.

My awareness jerked back to the present when Kellan asked me a question, and I didn't respond right away. I finally heard the question on his second attempt. "Kiera...did I lose you?" I blushed, realizing I had no idea what he'd been talking about. He was still sweetly stroking my hand with his thumb, but was looking at me concernedly. "Are you all right? Do you want to go home?"

I nodded, still feeling unable to speak. We stood and he led me with a hand comfortingly on my back to the side exit in the gate. Immediately upon seeing the parking lot, I looked for Denny's car where he had parked it. It was gone...he was really gone. Unintentionally, I glanced over to the fateful espresso stand. Kellan noticed my gaze and squeezing my hand, looked down on me, smiling softly as the gate closed behind us. But seeing the stand didn't take my mind back to Kellan, and our night of tortured bliss. It took me back to a simpler, purer time...with Denny.

I remembered our first time together...my first time ever. We had been dating for two months. For a guy in his early twenties, that was an eternity, but he never pushed me. We would kiss and do...other things...for as long as I wanted, but the second I pushed him away, he happily retreated. He never once made me feel guilty about it, which of course, had only made me want him more. He knew it was my first time and he made it special for me. He rented a cabin and we had spent a long winter weekend there. Our first time had been the stuff of movie magic - warm fireplace, soft blankets, and quiet music. He took his time with me, making sure I was completely comfortable with every step...which I was. He had been so amazingly gentle and tender, it hadn't even hurt. Afterwards, he'd held me tight to his chest, and told me that he loved me for the first time and I, of course, started to cry and told him that I loved him too...which promptly led to our second time.

Back in the real world, Kellan was leading me to his car. He was still talking softly to me. His topic had changed to what we could do this summer. "After high school, I hitch-hiked down the Oregon coast. That's actually how I met Evan. Anyway, we should go, you would love it. There are these caves..."

I tuned him out. Step after step was barraging me with more heartfelt memories of Denny.

We took two steps towards the car - memories of birthdays, the latest being my twenty-first, when he had taken me to a local bar and sweetly held my hair back when I got very, very ill. Memories of Christmases past, at my parent's house, snuggled on his lap watching my family exchange gifts. Memories of a dozen red roses given to me on Valentine's Day...and my birthday...and our anniversary, all with the sweetest goofy grin on his face.

Another step - memories of getting food poisoning, and having him wipe my forehead with a cold rag and bring me water. Memories of him trying out new recipes on me, most of them really good, a couple astoundingly bad. Memories of snuggling in his bed and watching a movie. Memories of studying together for school...and promptly making out instead.

Another few steps - more current memories of traveling across the country in his beat-up car, tossing fries at each other, playing the license plate alphabet game for hours, singing along with the radio and thoroughly enjoying the twangy country songs through the mid-west, taking a quick dip in an ice cold river to freshen up, making love in his car at an empty rest stop.

One more step - walking along the pier, falling asleep with him on the couch, dancing together at the bar, him sappily calling me his heart...

Another step - the soft hair along his jaw line, his warm brown eyes, running my fingers through his dark hair, his soft lips, his alluring accent, his gentle words, his goofy grin, his good humor, his good nature, his good soul...

He was my comfort. He was my solace. Nearly everything I had faced in my young life, I had gotten through because of him, because he was always there for me, with soft words and a tender heart. Would I have that with Kellan? I remembered all of our heated fights, the words we used to hurt each other with. Denny and I rarely said unkind things to one another...but with Kellan...

What would happen in a relationship with him? Surely, we'd eventually have disagreements and they might be very vocal. I thought back over the course of our entire relationship and what flooded my brain was an image of a roller coaster - up and down, up and down - flying from one extreme to the next. Is that what being with him would be like? Always shifting from high to low, low to high? Could I live a life happily that way?

I liked constant. I liked safe. It was one of the reasons Denny and I clicked so well. He was a cooling lake: supportive, refreshing and most of all, never changing. Kellan...Kellan was fire: passionate, emotional and searing to the core. But fire didn't last...passion eventually fades...and then what? Kellan had so many options available to him. Surely one day, when that passion had faded, and no matter how much he loved me, he would cave to one of the beautiful women always flocking to him. I mean, gorgeous girls were constantly throwing themselves on him. I wasn't physically special, even if he insisted I was beautiful. And he was talented, he could really make it big one day. Then what? The women already flocking, would quadruple in size. How could he possibly resist them all...forever? That would never happen with Denny, of that I was sure, but with Kellan... I knew he would hate himself, but it seemed, possible.

I stopped walking. I yanked my hand away from Kellan and he stopped walking too. I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave the man who had been my life for so long, that I couldn't even contemplate my life without him in it. At least...I couldn't yet. I needed more time. I needed to be sure that Kellan and I had something that could work, before I threw away a promising future with a good man that I did love deeply.

Kellan took a step and then turned to face me; his face was gorgeous in the moonlight, composed and yet at the same time, achingly sad. His eyes nearly broke my heart, and I had to look away. It wasn't just that they suddenly glistened too much, the deep blue crystallized into what could very easily shed into tears. It was the calm resignation in them that tore my heart.

Silently he regarded my expression for a minute and then quietly he said, "I did lose you...didn't I?" I looked up at his calm face, surprised. Had he known me better than I knew myself? Had he known that I would do this to him, all along?

"Kellan, I...I can't do this...not yet. I can't leave him. I need more time..."

His calm face broke with a touch of anger behind his eyes. "Time? Kiera...nothing is going to change here? What good is time to you?" He shook his head and nodded it in the direction of our home. "Now that he knows you lied, time will only hurt him more." He meant my indecision would hurt Denny, but as his eyes glistened even more, I was sure he was also talking about himself.

"Kellan, I'm so sorry...please don't hate me," I whispered, my own eyes brimming as well.

He ran both hands back through his hair and left them in the tangled mess for a moment, before bringing them back to his sides. "No, Kiera...no." His voice was quiet with restraint, and a shot of fear went right through me.

&

ldquo;What do you mean? No, you don't hate me or no...you do?" My voice broke on the end, and I swallowed painfully.

Seeing my pained face, he brought a hand up to my cheek. With a tight voice, he softly said, "No, I can't give you any more time. I can't do this. It's killing me..."

I shook my head as tears finally dropped to my cheeks. "Please, Kellan, don't make me-"

"Ugh...Kiera." He bought his other hand to my other cheek and gripped me, almost harshly, cutting off my objection. "Choose right now. Don't even think, just choose. Me...or him? " His thumbs brushed aside tears that were spilling over them. "Me or him, Kiera?"

Thoughtless, I blurted out, "Him."

The very air around us seemed to vibrate with the sudden silence between us. He stopped breathing and his eyes widened in shock. I stopped breathing and my eyes widened in shock. Oh god...why would I say that? Is that...is that what I want? It was too late to rethink my hasty choice. It was too late to take the word back. I watched as a tear dropped heavily to Kellan's cheek. That single tear seemed to solidify my word. The damage was done. I couldn't go back now if I wanted to.

"Oh," he finally whispered.

He started to remove his hands and back away from me, and I clutched him tight and tried to pull him closer. "No, Kellan...wait. I didn't mean-"

He narrowed his eyes. "Yes, you did. That was your instinct. That was your first thought...and first thoughts are usually the correct ones." His tone got a little icy, and then he closed his eyes and swallowed. "That's what's really in your heart. He's what's in your heart..."

I grabbed his hands and held them tight in front of us, as he took a few calming breaths. I could see the struggle on his face to control his anger, and I feebly flipped through my head to come up with something to repair the damage I'd just carelessly caused. I had nothing. No burst of genius on how to fix this.