Thoughtless

My face paled, coincidental indeed. Kellan smiled at my reaction and continued. "So, when dear old Dad had to leave town for several months...some family emergency thing back East," he shook his head softly, "you can imagine his surprise, when he came back home to find his blushing bride pregnant."

My mouth dropped open and Kellan grinned sarcastically. "Surprise, honey."

"What did your dad do?" I asked quietly.

"Ahhh... " He nodded his head, looking away, and his smile left him. "Well, here is the part where my mother showed her true brilliance." He looked over at me, as I looked at him confused again. His gaze intensely serious, he calmly said, "She told him that she was raped while he was gone...and he believed her."

My face felt like it had just lost all the color from it as I stared at him, disbelieving his completely true story. What kind of a person would do that?

His face paled too, as he softly said, "He looked at me, as the seed of a monster, from day one. He hated me before I was even born."

His eyes watered, but no tears fell. I kissed his cheek, wishing I could do more. "I'm so sorry, Kellan." He nodded and continued gazing at me thoughtfully. "Why would your mom do that?"

He shrugged. "She didn't want to lose everything, I guess." He laughed once, humorlessly. "Once she played that card though, man, she committed to it. There's even a police report somewhere, blaming some generic white guy." He laughed humorlessly again. "My birth certificate even says 'John Doe' under the father. Dad wouldn't claim me." He whispered that last part.

"God, Kellan..." A tear dripped down my cheek. "And they told you all this?"

He looked out over the water. "Repeatedly, it was practically my bedtime story. Goodnight, boy...by the way, you ruined our lives."

Another tear dripped down my cheek. "How do you know about your...about the best friend?"

He looked back at me and sighed. "Mom. She told me the truth." He brushed a tear off my cheek. "I guess my...sperm donor Dad, bagged out when she told him she was pregnant. She never saw him again. It broke her heart...and she hated me for it." He cocked his head as he watched the horror on my face. "I think she hated me even more than Dad did," he whispered.

More tears fell as I hugged him, and kissed his cheek again. He hugged me back loosely. "You never told your father the truth? Maybe he would have been-"

He cut me off. "He would never have believed me over her, Kiera. He hated me. I only would have gotten brutally hurt, and I generally tried to avoid that." I pulled back to look at him, and brushed some hair off of his forehead while he continued. "He had to have known anyway."

I blinked, surprised. "Why?"

He half-smiled sadly again. "I look just like Dad's best friend...spitting image. Who knows, maybe that's why he really hated me...Mom too."

Anger welled in me over these people who had grudgingly raised him. "You were innocent. It wasn't your fault." I couldn't stop my seething tone.

He ran both hands down my hair to my cheeks. "I know that, Kiera." He kissed me softly. "I've never told anyone that before. Not Evan, not Denny...no one."

I was moved that he would confide something so personal to me, but I didn't really understand what this had to do with all the women...and me? "Why did you tell me?" I asked softly, hoping that didn't sound rude.

He only smiled warmly at me though. "I want you to understand." He looked down and said quietly, "Can you imagine, growing up in a home filled with such loathing?" He looked back up at me with a sad smile, and ran a finger down my cheek again. "No, I'd imagine you were surrounded by love..."

Not being able to stand his painful smile, I leaned in and kissed him softly. He lovingly smiled back at me, and then stood up straight and took my hand. "Come on." He nodded towards the railing and we started walking along it, looking out over more of the beautiful city. My eyes were mainly on his though, as he blankly stared out the windows. He was obviously still in thought. There was more he wanted to tell me.

After a few silent paces, he finally did. "I was quiet as a child. I kept to myself. I had no real friends to speak of... " He smiled wryly. "I had my guitar...that was my closest relationship." He shook his head and laughed once. "God, I was pathetic."

I squeezed his hand and stopped walking, grabbing his cheek with my other to make him look at me. "Kellan you were not-"

"No, I was, Kiera," he interrupted, kissing my hand after removing it from his cheek. Starting to walk again, he said, "Let me clarify...I was pathetically lonely." He smiled down on me as I frowned. "And then...quite by accident on my part, I assure you..." he looked thoughtfully out the windows, now almost completely showing a view of the dark Sound, "I discovered something that made me feel, for the first time ever...wanted, cared for...almost...loved." He said the last part quietly.

"Sex?" I whispered.

He smiled down at me again. "Hmmm..." He nodded in agreement. "Sex. I was young that first time..." he grinned and shook his head, "which, you've probably already pieced together." I blushed a little, at that remembered conversation on his bed, as he continued. "Probably way too young, but I didn't know it wasn't...okay. It just felt like someone finally cared. I started..." He blushed and looked away from me. "I started repeating that feeling as often as I could. Even back then, it was shockingly easy for me. There was always someone, and I didn't care who, who would want to be with me. I kind of got obsessed with it...with feeling that connection. Who knows, maybe I still-"

He stopped walking and looked back at me, a worried expression suddenly on his face. "Do you think less of me?"

I didn't see how he could be blamed for seeking out any kind of love, living the life forced upon him. I put my hand on his arm. "Kellan, I couldn't possibly think any less of you."

He laughed and I realized how bad that statement sounded. I looked away, embarrassed. "You know what I mean."

He laughed softly. "You really are truly adorable."

"How old were you?" I asked, mainly to cover my embarrassment.

He sighed and then admitted, "I was twelve. In her defense, I told her I was fourteen. She bought that. I don't think she really cared though."

I looked back at him, my mouth open again. I forced myself to shut it and smile at him. The thought of how desperately he must have wanted some tenderness, brought tears to my eyes. He searched my face, a slight crease of worry on his perfect brow. Needing to comfort him, I leaned over and tenderly gave him a brief kiss. He smiled and relaxed, gazing at me for a few quiet minutes.

"So, you use women to feel...love?" I asked quietly.

He looked down, embarrassed again. "I didn't realize it at the time. I really didn't even think about it, until you. I couldn't figure out why you were so different to me. I know now that it's not right...." He looked back up at me. "But it was something. It made me feel less...lonely." I felt another of my tears drop at that, and he brushed it away. "Anyway...what no one seems to consider, is the fact that they use me too. They don't care about me." We started walking again and he looked out over the sparkling city, showing itself again on the other side of the water.

I searched his thoughtful face and couldn't help the wave of guilt that I had also, at one point, used him. But surely, not every encounter he'd had, had been an empty one. "You've never been in love?" I asked timidly.

He looked back at me with a half-smile that doubled my heartbeat. "Until you...no. And no one has loved me either."

Continuing to watch him as we walked in silence, I tried to see how this impossibly gorgeous man in front of me, could never have felt real love. That made no sense. Surely, this beautiful, talented, funny, seductive and just...amazing man, had known love before.

"Surely, some girl..."

"No," he cut me off. "Just sex...never love."

"A high school sweetheart?"

"No. I tended to...associate...with older women. They weren't really looking for...love." He smiled wryly, and I wasn't sure I wanted to know what he meant by that.

"Some...naive waitress?"

He smiled at me. "Again, before you...no, no one who cared for me."

"Oh...well, one of your fans then." I said meekly. I knew from experience, just how much he had been "loved" by them.

He laughed genuinely. "Definitely no, that is the fakest sex of them all. They could care less who I actually am. They're not even with me, when they're...with me. They're with this rock-star image that they have of me, but that's not...that's not who I am. Well, it's not all I am."

I smiled and kissed him softly on his jaw. No, he was so much more...

Pulling back, I hesitantly asked, "Roommates?" I also knew full well that I wasn't the only one he'd bedded. I wasn't sure if I wanted to hear about him and...Joey, but I was curious.

He looked over at me with the corner of his eye and smiled sheepishly. "I really wish Griffin hadn't mentioned that one. You must have thought I was horrible. Sometimes, I don't know why you ever touched me at all." I frowned and tried to shake my head, but he sighed and started explaining. "No, there was never anything between Joey and I, but sex." He looked up, like he was trying to think of how to put it for me. "Joey...liked being worshipped. When it was clear to her, that her body wasn't my only...temple, well, she was also overly dramatic." He grimaced and shrugged. "She ran off in a huff, with boy toy number...three, I think."

He stopped walking again and turned to look at me, grabbing both of my hands in his. "I know I've overdone it with women, but I've never felt for anyone, what I feel for you. And I've never felt from anyone, what I am feeling from you now," he whispered.

I swallowed the emotion in my throat and kissed him softly again. Pulling back, I gazed into his love filled eyes. "So, Denny and me...our relationship?" I asked, starting to get lost in his amazing blue depths.

"Right...that." We continued walking along the circular railing and he swung my hand lightly, as he regained his original train of thought. "Well, I guess, at first I was just intrigued by it. I'd never seen anything like that. So warm and tender and...real. And the fact that you moved across the Country to be with this guy...I can't think of anyone who would do that for me. The people that I know, don't have relationships like that, and my parents certainly never..."

"Right..." I said softly, watching his face darken momentarily.

He bit his lip and looked out the windows. "Living with you, watching you with Denny, day after day...I started to want what the two of you had. I stopped..." he looked over at me and grinned, "as you put it, whoring." I smiled and he laughed, then frowned. "But unfortunately, I started to care for you. I didn't understand it at first. I just knew it was wrong to think about you like that. You were clearly Denny's. People's relationships haven't always...mattered to me, but Denny means a lot to me. That year he stayed with us...that was the best year of my life." He smiled warmly at me and whispered, "Well, maybe until this year."

I smiled warmly back at him and kissed him on the corner of his jaw. It gave me a small thrill of delight. It was so wonderful to be able to kiss him freely, whenever I wanted to. I squeezed his hand and cuddled into his side, as I looked out over the skyline.

"When I fell in love with you...it was like nothing I'd ever known before. It was nearly instant. I think I started falling for you, the moment you shook my hand." He chuckled at the memory and playfully nudged my shoulder, while I blushed. "It was so powerful. I knew it was wrong, but it was addicting." He stopped walking and spun me out away from him, then quickly drew me back in, slipping his arms around my waist and holding me tight. "You are so addicting to me." He kissed me softly.

He smiled at me, his eyes filled with love. "Sometimes, it felt like you cared for me too, and then everything in the world was perfect." He frowned. "But most of the time, you wanted him, and a part of me wanted to die." He paused, watching my startled reaction to that. "I tried so hard to stay away from you, but I kept making excuses to touch you, to hold you," he smiled coyly and looked away, "to nearly kiss you while watching porn. God, you have no idea how difficult that was to turn away from you."