This Man

He starts chewing his bottom lip. ‘You never really wanted to walk away.’ His voice is barely audible.

‘Yes, I did!’ I blurt on a sniffle. ‘I fought you off. I knew I was heading for trouble, but you were relentless. What happened? Did you run out of married women to f**k?’

He shakes his head. ‘No, I found you.’ He steps forward, and I remove myself from his reach.

‘Get out.’ I say calmly, my body shaking, my breathing hitching – all evidence that I’m far from calm. I barge past him, knocking his shoulder.

‘I can’t. I need you, Ava.’ His pleading voice is going to haunt me for the rest of my days.

I swing around violently. ‘You don’t need me!’ I fight to keep my voice solid. ‘You want me. Oh God, you are a dominant, aren’t you?’ Flashes of all our sexual encounters pass through my mind at a hundred miles an hour. He’s truly fierce in the bedroom and pretty fierce outside it too.

‘No!’

‘Why the control issue then? And the dominance and commands?’

‘The sex is just sex. I can’t get close enough to you. The control is because I’m frightened to death that something will happen to you…that you’ll be taken away from me. I’ve waited too long for you, Ava. I’ll do anything to keep you safe. I’ve lived a life with little control or care. Believe me, I need you…please...please don’t leave me,’ He walks towards me, but I step back, fighting the instinct to let him swathe me. He stops. ‘I’ll never recover.’

What? No! I can’t believe he’s being so cruel as to use emotional blackmail. ‘Do you think this is going to be any easier for me?’ I scream, the tears starting to flow rapidly.

The little colour that was left in his face drains out before my eyes. He drops his head. He has no come back to that. What can he say? He knows what he’s done to me. He’s made me need him.

‘If I could change how I’ve handled things, I would.’ he whispers.

‘But you can’t. The damage is done.’ My tone oozes contempt.

He looks up at me. ‘The damage will be worse if you leave me.’

Oh God. ‘Get out!’

‘No,’ He shakes his head frantically, taking a step towards me. ‘Ava, please, I’m begging you.’

I move away from him, mustering up my most determined expression, swallowing constantly to keep the lump in my throat at bay. This is so incredibly painful. This is exactly why I couldn’t see him. I’m so angry with him, but seeing him so whitewashed is heart-breaking. I have to keep reminding myself that he’s let me down in the cruellest way. He’s misled me, deceived me and, essentially, bullied me into bed with him.

You let me fall in love with you!

He stares at me, the pain in his sludgy eyes immeasurable. I’ll cave if I don’t look away –so I do. I drop my gaze to the floor and silently beg him to leave before I fall apart and welcome the comfort he always gives me.

‘Ava, look at me.’

I take a deep breath, turning my eyes to his. ‘Goodbye, Jesse.’

‘Please.’ he mouths.

‘I said, goodbye.’ The words carry an air of finality that I really do not mean.

He searches my face for such a long time, but eventually, he abandons trying to find any scrap of hope in my eyes, he turns, and he silently leaves.

I provide my lungs with the desperate rush of breath they need, walking on my unstable legs to the window. The front door slams, vibrating through the house, and Jesse appears, dragging himself to his semi-abandoned car. I flinch, letting out a sob as he smashes his fist through the window of his car, sending shards of glass spraying all over the road. He throws himself in and repeatedly punches the steering wheel. After what seems like years of watching him pound on his car, he roars off, tyres screeching, car horns blaring.

***

I get out of the shower and dry my hair before resuming fetal position on my bed. I’m completely numb. I feel like my heart has been ripped out, trampled on and shoved back into my chest a battered mess. I’m somewhere between grief and devastation, and it’s the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. My life has fallen apart. I feel empty, betrayed, lonely and lost. The only person that can make any of this better is the person that’s made it all happen. I don’t feel like I’m ever going to recover from this.

‘Ava?’ I lift my pounding head from my pillow, finding Kate stood in my doorway. The sympathy on her face enflames the hurt a little bit more. She perches on the edge of the bed, stroking my cheek. ‘It doesn’t have to be like this.’ she says softly.

How so? How can it be any other way? I just have to ride out this pain and see if I have the strength to deal with any of it. Start all over again. But at the moment, I’m content just lying here feeling sorry for myself.

‘Yes, it does.’ I reply on a whisper.

‘No, it doesn’t.’ She’s firmer this time. ‘You still love him. Admit you still love him. Did you tell him?’

I can’t deny it. I do. I love him – so much it hurts. But I shouldn’t love him. I know I shouldn’t. ‘I can’t.’ I turn my face into my pillow.

‘Why?’

‘He owns a sex club, Kate.’

‘He didn’t know how to tell you. He was worried you would walk away.’

I look at Kate. ‘Well, he didn’t tell me, and I’ve still walked away.’ I settle back down into my tear drenched pillow. ‘You heard that man. He destroys marriages. He screws women for fun.’ Why is she being so defensive? ‘Why are you not shocked?’ I mutter into my pillow. I know she’s laid back, but this is shocking stuff.