This Man Confessed

He sighs. ‘I don’t care about me.’

‘What are we going to do?’ I press.

He’s silent for a few moments, and then he shifts me onto my back and nudges my thighs apart to cradle himself between them. He takes a deep breath and drops his forehead to my chest. ‘I don’t know, but I do know how much I love you.’

I sag and look up at the ceiling. I know that as well but the saying love conquers all is being tested to its limit here. He plays the love card every time, like it’s an acceptable excuse for his neurotic ways.

‘Why did you do it?’ I ask. I don’t have to elaborate further. He knows what I’m referring to.

He looks up at me, his frown line crawling across his forehead. ‘Because I love you.’ he says defensively. ‘Everything is because I love you.’

‘You treat me like trash, f**k me in the toilet of a bar, with no words, and then walk out to go and feel up another woman? Did you do that because you love me?’

‘I was trying to prove a point.’ he argues quietly. ‘And watch your mouth.’

‘No, Jesse. You were trying to be a wanker.’ I shift slightly under him, and he looks up at me anxiously. ‘I need a shower.’

He searches my eyes but eventually rolls off to let me up. I drag myself from the bed and into the bathroom, closing the door behind me before brushing my teeth and getting in the shower. I feel completely deflated and just want to crawl back into bed and forget about everything, but my racing mind is venturing into frightening territory, making my head ache further. I’ve not seen him for four days. I’m trying my hardest not to venture there, but I really can’t help it, especially in light of his last disappearing act.

I jump when I feel his hand slide around my stomach and his lips rest on my shoulder. ‘Let me.’ he whispers, taking the sponge and turning me around. He kneels in front of me and takes my foot, resting it on his thigh, before starting to sweep the soapy sponge up my leg.

His frown line is nowhere to be seen. He looks content, peaceful and relaxed, just how I like him to be, and it’s because he’s looking after me again. ‘Where have you been since Monday?’ I ask as I watch him closely. He doesn’t tense or flick me cautious eyes, he just continues slowly washing me as the water beats down around us.

‘In hell.’ he answers softly. ‘You left me, Ava.’ He doesn’t look at me, and he’s not using an accusing tone, but I know he’s pointing out that I broke my promise.

‘Where were you?’ I push, dropping my foot back to the shower floor and lifting my other when he taps my ankle.

‘I was trying to give you space. I realise how I am with you, Ava, and I wish I could stop myself, I really do. But I can’t.’

He still hasn’t answered me. I know all of that. ‘Where were you, Jesse?’

‘Following you.’ he whispers. ‘Everywhere.’

‘For four whole days?’ I blurt.

He looks up at me and stops with the sponge sweeps. ‘My only comfort was seeing how lost you were, too.’ He reaches up and takes my hand, pulling me down to him so I’m kneeling, too, mirroring him. He pushes my wet hair from my face and leans in to softly kiss my lips. ‘We’re not conventional, baby. But we’re special. What we have is really special. You belong to me, and I belong to you. It just is. It’s not natural for us to be apart, Ava.’

‘We drive each other crazy. It’s not healthy.’

‘Not healthy would be my life without you in it.’ He encourages me up onto his lap and links my arms around his neck before circling my waist with his big hands. ‘This is where you’re supposed to be.’ He squeezes my waist to re-enforce his point. ‘Right here, always with me. Don’t ever kiss another man again, Ava. They’ll be locking me away for a long time.’

I realise my stupidity. I reach up and caress his jaw. There’s no bruising or marks. ‘You need to stop with the crazy shit.’ My anger has completely disintegrated, and I know why. It’s because of how much I know he loves me, but does that excuse his behaviour? He seems to snap straight out of self-destruction mode as soon as he has hold of me and I’m doing as I’m told. I can’t pretend that he doesn’t frustrate me, stress me out or make me wonder sometimes what the hell I’m setting myself up for, but this side of him, the incredible loving affection, the doting side of him, almost supersedes all of his confusing, neurotic ways, which swiftly reminds me that I’m still pregnant. And Jesse thinks I’m not.

He clenches my cheeks and pushes his lips to mine. ‘And you need to stop with the defiant shit.’ He’s grinning around my lips.

‘Never.’ I soak him right up, there in the soaking shower.

Chapter 11

We spend most of Saturday making friends. I’ve relished in the sleepy sex, and I’ve disagreed with almost everything Jesse has said, just to get some sense f**ked into me. I then swiftly forgot what I’d agreed to during the sense f**king, instigating a reminder f**k. We had an alfresco f**k right after we ate on the terrace, followed by a retribution f**k when Jesse decided that breaking my promise warranted one. But I know he just wanted me in handcuffs and, quite frankly, I deserved it. I’ve been f**ked in every way, shape and form, and I’ve loved every single second of it, even if I am a little sore now. I’m back to relaxing sweetly on Central Jesse Cloud Nine. With the absence of a pregnancy, he’s back to taking me how and when he wants and any which way, too. Yesterday has more than made up for my lack of dominant Jesse in recent weeks. I couldn’t be happier. But there is really no lack of a pregnancy.