This Man Confessed

‘What the f**k is that?’ he barks intolerantly.

‘Take a look for yourself.’ She flaps the paper, encouraging Jesse to take it. I can’t help it; my neck is craning to try and see for myself, but his arm pushes me back again.

He snatches it, and I watch as his head drops to look, then I look at Coral, who is performing the best sly smirk I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing. What’s her game? My eyes are on Jesse’s back, which is stiff as a board, his muscles protruding, indicating his tension.

I want to know what he’s holding, and I want to know what has put that slap worthy sneer on Coral’s face, but at the same time, I really don’t. ‘What is it?’ The question I don’t want to ask just slips right out. But he doesn’t answer.

Coral does, though. ‘That is a scan picture of his baby.’

I know I stagger back, and I know he has turned to steady me, but everything is a blur. ‘Fucking hell.’ His worried voice is nothing but a drowned out rush of noise, and I know it’s because all of the blood is draining from my head. I feel dizzy. ‘Shit, Ava.’ My feet disappear from under me, but I don’t hit the floor. I’ve not passed out. I’ve been scooped up, and in a split second, I’m sitting on the couch with my head being pushed between my legs. ‘Breathe, baby. Just breathe.’ His palm is on my head, rubbing soothing, fast, anxious circles. ‘What the f**k are you playing at?’ he yells away from me. ‘You stupid f**king woman! I’ve not slept with you for months!’

‘Four months, and I’m four months gone.’ She answers quickly and proudly. ‘Do the math.’

I know that cunning face will be there, but I can’t look at her because I’ll want to dive right on her. I need to get my breathing under control because the rush is still whirring and the black is starting to set in. I’ll fall flat on my face if I stand.

‘You can’t be. Jesse snaps anxiously, sounding far too unsure. ‘Fuck!’

This is it. That baby will be born before either of mine and knowing Jesse’s desperation for a child, he’ll take the first one he can lay his hands on. He’ll leave me. I’ll be alone with two screaming babies and no help. My babies with me father-less. Who’s going to rub my feet when they’re swollen? Who’s going to love me in lace when I’m covered in stretch marks? Who’s going to make me eat when I’m not hungry and feed me folic acid and lick peanut butter from my br**sts and paint my toenails when I can’t reach them? I start to choke on panic, but then my eyes fall onto the little piece of paper that Jesse has dropped to the floor in favour of tending to me. He didn’t look at that picture like he did of our babies’ picture. He didn’t drop to his knees or grab Coral to hug her. What it wrong with me? I feel like a mixed bag of over exaggerated emotions. I’m everywhere. I stoop and pick up the black and white scan picture. I’m being watched, by both of them, but I take my time, firstly noting Coral’s name. This is definitely hers. But what isn’t on this scan picture is a date. Neither is there an estimated gestation. I study the picture more closely.

‘Ava, what are you doing?’ Jesse asks, trying to get me in his field of vision, but I ignore him.

‘Yes, what are you doing?’ Coral hisses.

I point at the picture. ‘I’m just trying to figure out whether you’re four or five weeks pregnant.’ I muse, keeping my eyes on the picture. ‘I’m guessing just four.’

‘I’m four months. Not weeks.’

‘No you’re not.’ I look up at Jesse. He’s holding his breath. ‘When was the last time you slept with her?’

‘Four, five months.’ He shakes his head, his frown line doing a worried dance across his forehead. ‘Ava, I can’t think that far back. I didn’t exist before you.’ His hands rest on the tops of my thighs and squeeze. ‘I always used a condom, you know that.’

‘I know.’ I agree, but there is one other possibility and it kills me to ask, especially in front of this interloper. I clench my eyes shut. ‘Was she one of the…’ I swallow around my words. ‘Did you…’

He stops me from my struggling. ‘No,’ He says the word softly and secures the nape of my neck in his palm. ‘Look at me.’ he demands, just as softly, and I do. I lock eyes with him and he shakes his head, only very faintly. ‘No.’ he repeats.

I nod on a quiet exhale and offer a small smile of trust. There is no need for a confession because he has nothing to confess. Our quiet exchange of understanding almost makes me forget that Coral is standing nearby.

‘You’re going to stay with him when he’s having a baby with another woman?’ she asks on a laugh. ‘Where’s your self-respect?’

‘I’m going to trample now.’ I tell him quietly, looking for his permission this time.

He smiles and drops an accepting kiss on my cheek. ‘Knock yourself out, baby. But please, let’s just make this one a verbal trample.’ He nods at my tummy, and then turns a contemptuous look onto the brazen slut, but he doesn’t say anything. He’s leaving this one to me.

‘What are you two talking about?’ Her smugness is disintegrating by the second. She has no idea what to make of this.

I join Jesse in his standing position and look up to him. ‘Get me your picture.’

My question pulls his condemning eyes from Coral, down to me. He’s looks at me all gone out. ‘What picture?’