There You Stand

I’d overheard her talking to Grandpa once, her anguished voice confessing that outlasting her own child was a hell all its own. But without Grandma’s love and encouragement, especially after Grandpa passed from a heart attack when I was fifteen, I didn’t know how I’d have made it to adulthood. I had thrived under her care.

“I’ll do it this weekend,” I said, pulling into her driveway. She was getting up there in age and I cast the scary thought from my brain one too many times that she would die soon, and then I’d have no one. But I was good at staving off dark thoughts. I didn’t allow them to penetrate the protective shield I had built around myself the past couple of years.

Jessie always joked that between me and Emmy, our workplace had become a regular Pleasantville. That we were passing out happy pills at the door. Little did she know, I all but popped a capsule when I woke each morning, keeping myself intentionally busy throughout the day, until I crashed into my sheets at night.

“Did everything check out at your doctor’s appointment?” I asked after I followed my grandmother inside and accepted the peach iced tea that she offered me at her well-worn kitchen table.

“Yes, darling,” she said, placing her hand on my arm and giving it a squeeze. The same comforting thing she’d done countless times over the years. “It was only a routine checkup. You worry too much.”

She was the only person on the planet who ever saw this side of me. Well, David had, too. Before everything went to shit. Pretty much everyone else thought I was easygoing and dicked around a lot in between long and busy days of appointments. I liked the people I worked with and when I hung out with the crew from Raw Ink, Dex and I were usually goofing off, if he wasn’t too busy trying to drink everyone under the table.

“Did you have dinner?” she asked. I nodded because Jessie had ordered something in for the staff tonight. My meals pretty much consisted of takeout, and that kind of food was sure to catch up with me fast. Good thing I made it to the gym and took the dogs for a walk or run most mornings.

All of the artists at Raw Ink kept fit so luckily, nobody ever brought in any donuts or muffins and we never made it a habit to snack around the clock—there was never any time anyway. Our hands were always occupied.

Grandma smiled. “How are Chopper and Ace?”

“Chopper is still a pain in my butt,” I said and she chuckled. “He never listens. So darn hyper.”

“He’ll be a sweet dog once he settles, you’ll see,” she said and sipped from her glass.

“I hope you’re right,” I said, grimacing. I was just thankful that she hadn’t pressed me about why I had chosen to date that asshole Joe in the first place. I actually thought we had some things in common besides our sex drive. What the hell had I been thinking?

“What’s new at the shop?” Grandma always asked about the gang at Raw Ink and had always been most inquisitive about Bennett. I swear she wished he were gay so that he and I could date. It didn’t matter that he wasn’t even my type, but I’d admit he was pretty to look at. As was his smoking-hot fiancée, Avery.

“Just busy as usual,” I said.

“Will you be helping Emmy at the shelter this week?” Grandma loved when I talked about the girls at the shop and always inquired about Emmy’s volunteer work.

“Not sure she’d let me say no,” I said, shaking my head.

She was a huge animal rights advocate and was working on her veterinary degree at the university. Before I inherited Chopper, I considered fostering a dog from her shelter. Afterward, I felt guilty for not taking one of those abandoned animals, so I volunteered with her a couple of times a month to alleviate the guilt.

Emmy also lived with a grandparent, in a building that didn’t allow dogs, which was why she loved that shelter so much. Once I volunteered there, I was sold on never deserting a pet—there were enough lonely and abused animals to go around.

“Meet any nice boys lately?” There it was. I knew she couldn’t resist. Grandma was almost too involved in my love life. She had adored David. And I haven’t loved another other man since.

I shook her off. “Now who’s worrying too much?”

“Honey, I know you’ve experienced a lot of loss in your life and what happened with David really tore apart your heart . . .”

I held up my hand. “Can we please not go there?”

“Okay, darling,” she said. “I’ll just say one thing. Love is hard to find, but I know you’ll have it again.”

The problem was, I didn’t think I wanted a do-over. It just hurt too damn much.

***

After Grandma’s house, I went home, fed the dogs, and attempted to watch a movie, but got restless like I usually did. It was hard for me to be alone with my thoughts, and that’s what always kept me out late or on the move.

That’s why I found myself sitting on a stool at the Hog’s Den. The first time I came here was with Dex. He was hot about one of the servers, but he got his drunk self kicked out that night and was told to never return.

But I immediately took to the place. I came back because there was enough absorbing noise about riding and motorcycles to keep my brain occupied, since I was sort of an aficionado myself. Plus, nobody gave two shits about me. There was something refreshing about that. Sounded crazy for sure. But this was a smaller college town and I was beyond done with the gay bars. So lately, my nights were divided between here and Zach’s, where I hung with the other artists after work.