The Last Letter from Your Lover
Page 45“I wasn’t sure . . . what—well, whether you would even want to see them.”
Jennifer says nothing. Suddenly ill at ease, Ellie takes a sip from her cup. She doesn’t know how long she sits there, drinking her coffee, but she keeps her eyes averted, she isn’t sure why.
“Oh, I do want them.”
When she looks up, something has happened to Jennifer’s expression. She isn’t tearful, exactly, but her eyes have the pinched look of someone beset by intense emotion. “You’ve read them, I take it.”
Ellie finds she’s blushing. “Sorry. They were in a file of something completely unrelated. I didn’t know I’d end up finding their owner. I thought they were beautiful,” she adds awkwardly.
“Yes, they are, aren’t they? Well, Ellie Haworth, not many things surprise me at my age, but you have succeeded today.”
“Aren’t you going to read them?”
“I don’t have to. I know what they say.”
Ellie learned a long time ago that the most important skill in journalism is knowing when to say nothing. But now she’s becoming increasingly uncomfortable as she watches an old woman who has in some way disappeared from the room. “I’m sorry,” she says carefully, when the silence becomes oppressive, “if I’ve upset you. I wasn’t sure what to do, given that I didn’t know what your—”
“—situation was,” Jennifer says. She smiles, and Ellie thinks again what a lovely face she has. “That was very diplomatic of you. But these can cause no embarrassment. My husband died many years ago. It’s one of the things they never tell you about being old.” She gives a wry smile. “That the men die off so much sooner.”
For a while they listen to the rain, the hissing brakes of the buses outside.
“Well,” Mrs. Stirling says, “tell me something, Ellie. What made you go to such effort to return these letters to me?”
Ellie ponders whether or not to mention the feature. Her instincts tell her not to.
“Because I’ve never read anything like them?”
Jennifer Stirling is watching her closely.
“A ‘lover’?”
“He’s . . . married.”
“Ah. So these letters spoke to you.”
“Yes. The whole story did. It’s the thing about wanting something you can’t have. And that thing of never being able to say what you really feel.” She’s looking down now, speaking to her lap. “The man I’m involved with, John . . . I don’t really know what he thinks. We don’t talk about what’s happening between us.”
“I don’t suppose he’s unusual in that,” Mrs. Stirling remarks.
“But your lover did. ‘B.’ did.”
“Yes.” Again, she’s lost in another time. “He told me everything. It’s an astonishing thing to receive a letter like that. To know you’re loved so completely. He was always terribly good with words.”
The rain becomes briefly torrential and thunders against the windows, people shouting below in the street.
“I’ve been mildly obsessed by your love affair, if that doesn’t sound too strange. I desperately wanted the two of you to reunite. I have to ask, did you . . . did you ever get back together?”
The modern parlance seems wrong, inappropriate, and Ellie feels suddenly self-conscious. There’s something graceless in what she was asking, she thinks. She has pushed it too far.
Just as Ellie is about to apologize, and make to leave, Jennifer speaks: “Would you like another cup of coffee, Ellie?” she says. “I don’t suppose there’s much point in your leaving while the rain is like this.”
Jennifer Stirling sits on the silk-covered sofa, her coffee cooling on her lap, and tells the story of a young wife in the south of France, of a husband who, in her words, was probably no worse than any others of the age. A man very much of his time, in whom expressiveness had become a sign of weakness, unbecoming. And she tells a story of his opposite, an opinionated, passionate, damaged man, who unsettled her from the first night she met him at a moonlit dinner party.
Ellie sits, rapt, pictures building in her head, trying not to think about the tape recorder she has surreptitiously turned on in her handbag. But she no longer feels graceless. Mrs. Stirling talks animatedly, as if this is a story she has wanted to tell for decades. She says it’s a story she has pieced together over the years, and Ellie, although she doesn’t completely understand what is being said, doesn’t want to interrupt and ask her to clarify.
Jennifer Stirling tells of the sudden palling of her gilded life, the sleepless nights, her guilt, the terrifying, irrevocable pull of someone forbidden, the awful realization that the life you’re leading might be the wrong one. As she speaks, Ellie bites her nails, wondering if this is what John is thinking, right now, on some distant sun-drenched beach. How can he love his wife and do what he does with her? How can he not feel that pull?
She breaks off, reaches behind her, and hands Ellie a photo frame. A tall blond woman stands in a pair of shorts, a man with his arm around her. Two children and a dog are at her bare feet. She looks like a Calvin Klein advertisement. “Esmé’s probably not that much older than you,” she says. “She lives in San Francisco with her husband, a doctor. They’re very happy.” She adds, with a wry smile, “To my knowledge.”
“Does she know about the letters?” Ellie places the frame carefully on the coffee table, trying not to begrudge the unknown Esmé her spectacular genetics, her apparently enviable life.
This time Mrs. Stirling hesitates before speaking. “I’ve never told this story to a living soul. What daughter would want to hear that her mother was in love with somebody other than her father?”
And then she tells of a chance meeting, years later, the glorious shock of discovering she was where she was meant to be. “Can you understand that? I had felt out of place for so long . . . and then Anthony was there. And I had this feeling.” She taps her breastbone. “That I was home. That it was him.”
“Yes,” says Ellie. She’s perched on the edge of the sofa. Jennifer Stirling’s face is illuminated. Suddenly Ellie can see the young girl she had been. “I know that feeling.”
“The awful thing was, of course, that having found him again, I wasn’t free to go with him. Divorce was a very different matter in those days, Ellie. Awful. One’s name was dragged through the mud. I knew my husband would destroy me if I tried to go. And I couldn’t leave Esmé. He—Anthony—had left his own child behind, and I don’t think he ever really recovered from it.”
“So you never actually left your husband?” Ellie feels a sinking disappointment.
“I did, thanks to that file you found. He had this funny old secretary, Miss Thing.” She grimaces. “I never could remember her name. I suspect she was in love with him. And then, for some reason, she handed me the means to destroy him. He knew he couldn’t touch me once I had those files.”
She describes the meeting with the unnamed secretary, her husband’s shock when she revealed what she knew at his office.
“The asbestos files.” They had seemed so innocuous in Ellie’s flat, their power dimmed by age and hindsight.
“Of course nobody knew about asbestos then. We thought it was wonderful stuff. It was a terrible shock to discover that Laurence’s company had destroyed so many lives. That was why I set up the foundation when he died. To help the victims. Here.” She reaches into a bureau and pulls out a pamphlet. It details a legal-help scheme for those suffering work-related mesothelioma. “There’s not much money left in the fund now, but we do still offer legal help. I have friends in the profession who provide their services for free, here and abroad.”
“You still got your husband’s money?”
“Yes. That was our arrangement. I kept his name and became one of those rather reclusive wives who never accompanied their husbands to anything. Everyone assumed I’d dropped out of society to bring up Esmé. It wasn’t unusual in those days, you see. He simply took his mistress to all the social events.” She laughs, shaking her head. “There was the most astonishing double standard back then.”
Ellie pictures herself on John’s arm at some book launch. He has always been careful not to touch her in public, not to give any indication of their relationship. She has secretly hoped that they will be caught kissing, or that their passion will be so apparent they become the subject of damaging gossip.
“No. That would be lovely. I want to know what happened.”
Her expression changes. The smile fades. There is a short silence.
“He returned to the Congo,” she says. “He used to travel to the most awfully dangerous places. Bad things were happening to white people out there at the time, and he wasn’t terribly well . . .” She no longer seems to be directing her words at Ellie. “Men are often a lot more fragile than they seem, aren’t they?”
Ellie digests this, trying not to feel the bitter disappointment this information seems to induce. This is not your life, she tells herself firmly. This does not have to be your tragedy. “Why did he sign his name as ‘B.’?”
“I called him ‘Boot.’ That was our little joke. Have you read Evelyn Waugh? His real name was Anthony O’Hare. Actually, it’s strange, telling it all to you after all this time. He was the love of my life, yet I have no photographs of him, few memories. If it wasn’t for my letters, I might have thought I’d imagined the whole thing. That’s why your bringing them back to me is such a gift.”
A lump rises to Ellie’s throat.
The telephone rings, jolting them from their thoughts.
“Do excuse me,” Jennifer says. She walks out into the hallway, picks up a telephone, and Ellie hears her answer, her voice immediately calm, imbued with professional distance. “Yes,” she is saying. “Yes, we still do. When were you diagnosed? . . . I’m so sorry . . .”
Ellie scribbles the name on her notepad and slips it back into her bag. She checks that her tape recorder has been running, that the microphone is still in position. Satisfied, she sits there for a few minutes longer, gazing at the family pictures, grasping that Jennifer will be a while. It doesn’t seem fair to hurry someone who’s evidently in the clutches of lung disease. She rips a page from her pad, scribbles a note, and picks up her coat. She goes over to the window. Outside, the weather has cleared and the puddles on the pavement gleam bright blue. Then she moves to the door and stands there with the note.
“Do excuse me for one moment.” Jennifer holds her hand over the receiver. “I’m so sorry,” she says. “I’m likely to be some time.” Her voice suggests that their conversation will not be continued today. “Someone needs to apply for compensation.”
“Can we talk again?” Ellie holds out the piece of paper. “My details are there. I really want to know . . .”
Jennifer nods, half her attention on her caller. “Yes. Of course. It’s the least I can do. And thank you again, Ellie.”
Ellie turns to leave, her coat over her arm. Then, as Jennifer is lifting the receiver to her ear, she turns back. “Just tell me one thing—just quickly? When he left again—Anthony—what did you do?”