The Helmet of Horror
Page 15What's your proof?
Sartrik
That you're all nothing but shadows, I'm the only one here that's alive. You're nothing but shackles on the convolutions of my brain. All your Rolls-Royces and Lolitas, Ferraris and Berlusconis, all your shaved and scented glamour, your magic wonderland TV quizzes, where you get shafted up the xxx every day underneath the money tree - you made it all out of my head! You do all that out of my head, and I'm nothing to you, but you're the entire deal for me, eh? In my xxx head! But I'll dump you all.
Nutscracker
Monster, maybe you understood some of that?
Monstradamus
I might have. But I'm not a hundred per cent certain.
Nutscracker
Translate from the Latin, will you?
Monstradamus
There's quite a profound thought here. He's trying to say the helmet of horror is the contents of the mind, which attempt to supplant the mind by proving that they - the contents - exist, and the mind in which they arise doesn't. Or that the mind is no more than its function.
Nutscracker
Who are they trying to prove it to?
Monstradamus
Themselves. Certainly not the mind. The mind, as Sartrik puts it, couldn't give a xxx.
Nutscracker
And where are they trying to prove it?
Monstradamus
What d'you mean, where? In the mind. Where else?
Nutscracker
This climb's a bit too high without a bottle. For me at least.
Sartrik
Listen, Monstradamus, you're some guy! The way you put that! I even understood it myself. Some mess, eh? If you think that thought through all the way to the end, all those English astrophysicists and the entire xxx Academy of Sciences should be thrown in the slammer!
Monstradamus
Why bother putting them away? Who cares about those buffoons.
Sartrik
Oho! You're a hard case, aren't you? Theseus, you're Theseus, no two ways about it.
Nutscracker
You're a real Theseus too, Sartrik. Maybe you've even found the way out?
Sartrik
A long time ago. Only there are these snakes crawling around in front of it. But when they crawl away I'll leave.
:-(( ))
Monstradamus
Ariadne! Good morning?
Ariadne
Good morning.
Monstradamus
Did you see the dwarf?
Yes.
Monstradamus
Tell me about it.
Ariadne
I was in the building on the square in front of the fountain. You remember, I told you about it. It looked dark and oppressive, as though there was a fire there a long time ago and afterwards they tried several times to fix it up, but they hadn't been able to. It was the same inside. It felt like a camouflaged smouldering ruin. I can't even say what it was that gave me the feeling. Everything was new, expensive and chic - like in those glass palaces they rent out for offices. The air was cool and clean, there wasn't the slightest smell of burning in it at all. But somehow I felt if you took the oak panels off the walls you'd see all the stonework was blackened with smoke.
Monstradamus
How did you know it was the same building?
Ariadne
I went across to the window and looked out. Down below me was the fountain with the snakes where I saw Asterisk for the first time. There was a wide street with palms standing in tubs leading away from the fountain. The street ran out to the very edge of the city and ended at a huge triumphal arch strewn with yellow leaves. Standing on the ground in front of the arch was a bronze head that must have been the size of a truck. There was a stepladder leaning against its ear, and it had a gold star on its forehead with an inscription: 'The Tomb of the Unknown Helmholtz'.
Nutscracker
How could you see all that through the window?
Ariadne
I just looked in that direction.
Nutscracker
And you could read the words at that distance?
Ariadne
What distances are there in a dream? There aren't any except the ones you dream about. I dreamed there was that inscription on the monument's forehead. I didn't dream about any distances.
Monstradamus
That's clear enough. What else did you see?
Ariadne
The further away from the main street, the fewer houses there were. The city boundary was a circular wall, and outside that there was a desert in various tones of beige. Further away still there were dark-blue mountains, or perhaps they were clouds in the sunset. I didn't have time to look at anything else, because then one of the dwarves appeared in the corridor. He was in a hurry to get somewhere and looking quite aggressive - his loose robe was caught in with a belt that had a little sabre dangling on it. He didn't stop, just gestured for me to follow him. We began climbing the stairs. I asked him a question, but he told me to keep quiet. He said his master was under threat - they wanted to kill him. And so all questions and answers were now being strictly documented. I asked who wanted to kill his master, but he muttered that the reply to that question had to be documented as well. We came to a large open area with identical shelves of files on all the walls - it looked like some kind of archive. There was a kind of double round table in the centre - about fifty centimetres above the table-top there was a smaller disc of wood that could rotate. They used to have something of the sort in old canteens so that people could move any dish within reach by turning the upper disc. The dwarf sat down at the table and pointed to the place opposite him. I sat down. On the table in front of me there was an inkwell with a genuine goose-quill pen and a file containing sheets of paper. The dwarf had an identical inkwell and file. He told me to write down my question and put the sheet of paper on the wooden disc. I wrote: 'Who wants to kill the Minotaur?' The quill actually wrote very easily, with a fine line. Meanwhile the dwarf took a sheet of paper out of his file and wrote something himself. We put the sheets of paper on the rotating wooden disc, the dwarf turned it through a hundred and eighty degrees, then he had my question in front of him and I had his answer. It was brief: 'You already know'. And it was written on paper headed with a crest. Apparently he didn't even need to read my question, he already knew it.
Nutscracker
Paper headed with a crest? What was the crest like?
Ariadne
A little star framed in laurel leaves. It looked very impressive, you could even feel it with your fingers. Embossing. There was a motto under the crest: 'per aspera ad asterisk'. And there were watermarks in the paper. And as well as all that, there was a three-figure number in the upper right corner of the page - the blank sheets were numbered. Monstradamus, I wanted to ask you, what do those words mean?
Monstradamus
There is an expression 'per aspera ad astra', meaning 'through difficulties to the stars'. And so this version means ...
Organizm(-:
Through xxx to the xxx.
Monstradamus
Well, that's not exactly a poetic translation. What came next, Ariadne?
Ariadne
Next I wrote a question and he wrote an answer. Why don't I type them all out together from the sheets of paper?
Monstradamus
What do you mean, 'type them out'? Have you got the sheets there?
Ariadne
Yes.
How did you get hold of them?
Ariadne
I don't know. When I woke up they were lying beside the bed. Perhaps the people who tidy up the room brought them.
Monstradamus
And you didn't notice anything?
Nutscracker
Monster, you're like a man who's turned into a bull and is amazed to find he has a bell on his tail.
Monstradamus
Is that bit about the bull some kind of a hint?
Ariadne
Let me answer your questions and get something to eat, okay? Then you can talk among yourselves.
Monstradamus
Of course, Ariadne.
Ariadne
I've already told you about the first question. Let's move on
Question:
'How can everything else be manufactured out of nothing?'
Answer:
'See the answer to the next question.'
Next question:
'How can the helmet of horror be located inside one of its own parts?'
Answer:
'The helmet of horror fractionates the one thing that is, into the multitude of things that are not. But since the helmet of horror is in no way the one thing that is, it is also one of the multitude of things that are not. And the things that are not may enter into every possible conceivable and inconceivable kind of relationship, since these relationships do not in any case exist anywhere except in the helmet of horror, which does not actually exist itself.'
Question:
'Does this mean that inside the helmet there is another helmet and in the other helmet there is a third one and so on to infinity in both directions?'
Answer:
'An individual by the name of A may be a part of the helmet of horror worn by B, and an individual by the name of B may at the same time be a part of the helmet of horror worn by A. This is the final infinity in both directions, and often both of them are quite nice people.'
Question:
'Can you please say something about the occipital braid.'
Answer:
'Longer and thicker suits the girl better.'
Nutscracker
All very logical.
Ariadne
Question:
'How does the separator labyrinth work?'
Just look what happened then! The dwarf had his answer scribbled out even before I had finished writing my question. He waited for me, then tossed his page on to the upper table-top and began turning it. But halfway round he suddenly stopped it and asked in a considerate voice: 'Are you enjoying your stay as our guest? Be honest.' I told him: 'Not much. In fact, to be quite honest, I'm not enjoying it at all.' Then he let the wooden disc carry on turning and I received a sheet of paper with the answer: 'That's the way it works'.
I get it. Good, bad and UGLI. But did you ask him why the helmet of horror is called that? I asked you to, remember?
Ariadne
I remember. It was the last question I managed to ask.
Organizm(-:
Well then?
Ariadne
The dwarf asked me to excuse him. He said he'd run out of official paper. But he promised to answer shortly.
Nutscracker
What happened then?
Ariadne
We heard some kind of horn or trumpet sounding a low, sinister note. Or it could have been some animal bellowing. The dwarf was so startled he dropped his inkwell on the floor and it broke, making a blue puddle beside the table. He said his master was summoning him to help and he ran off. And as he left he shouted it was possible that blood would soon be spilled, but it would be avenged.
Nutscracker
Blood?
Ariadne
Yes.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Are you lot finished yet? When do you think the rest of us could have a chat?
Nutscracker
Nobody's stopping you, Romeo.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Isolde, are you there?
IsoldA
Yes. How did you get home yesterday, you beast?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Why beast?
IsoldA
What am I supposed to call you after that?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
After what?
IsoldA
After the way you behaved.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Me? Me? And just how did I behave?
IsoldA