The Heart's Kingdom
Page 94"You make me want to do as you ask me, but I do not see what it is we
should strive for, what it is from which we should be saved. There are
tears in my eyes but do you want my emotions without my reason?" And I
asked my question with a quiver almost of timidity.
"No, both!" he answered me, as he dropped his hand and arm from their
attitude of entreaty, shook his head sadly and again turned from me and
looked out on the dim distance of Old Harpeth. Suddenly I had the
feeling of having a great door shut in my face, and a terror of being
left all alone in the world came over me. Without knowing what I did I
stretched out my hand and caught at his arm and moved closer to him,
"I'm frightened," I whispered, as I bowed my head on my hand, clutching
his arm.
"Poor little wandering, hunting lamb," he crooned to me as he laid a
tender hand on my bowed head. "Keep watch over her, Lord Jesus," he
prayed under his breath and then as suddenly as I had felt the fear I
found again my courage.
"That cry was woman to man, not child to priest. It is only honest to
tell you so," I said, as I suddenly raised my head and threw another
gauntlet that I knew would bring on another battle. "I hate myself for
"I wanted to win you for God and have you come to me then as a gift
from Him, but it may have to be the other way round," was the answer he
struck out at me with, and as he spoke he clasped my hand in his with a
force that seemed to create the great silent, untenanted space around us
as it had that night he had sung the Tristan music to me in the
moonlight. "I'm going to save you and--and have you."
"No, no!" I cried, as I tried to draw my hand away, found it held beyond
my effort and then suddenly released.
"I knew the first minute I looked into your eyes, but I'll wait," he
"No, no, don't even think such a thing," I exclaimed, and I wanted to
rise to my feet and break the spell of that space around us, but I could
only cower closer to him on the grass beneath the rustling silver
leaves. "I'm going to marry Nickols in a few months and then I'm going
out of this world of yours and you can lead them all to--to safety."
"No, it's in God's hands. He'll keep you and give you to me when the
time comes. It all may mean suffering to us both, probably does, but I
accept the cup--in His good time," and as he spoke he looked again into
my eyes with a lonely sadness that I could not endure.