The Failing Hours

I remember it like it was yesterday; I was twelve. My parents had been in Greece for a month and thought it would be charming to celebrate Easter as a family. While I blissfully swam in the ocean, my dad spent most of his time on his laptop, and my mom drank wine while supervising a photographer for a magazine, sent to photograph the beach house.

The real reason they’d come home.

So her fucking beach house could be in a damn magazine. She squeezed it in before moving on to the next city on her world tour. City, town, island—wherever the hell they went next, they sure as shit couldn’t be bothered to take their son.

“I guess you could say I was inconsolable, you know? Cried a lot. That sadness turned to anger, because by the time I was in middle school, I couldn’t tell people how I felt. I couldn’t put a label my own emotions because I was so young.” I glance over to find him watching me rapidly. “We call that articulating our feelings.”

He’s soaking up every word like a sponge.

“Do you think I’m going to be like you when I grow up since my dad’s not around?”

My throat contracts and I find it hard to swallow. “What do you mean, be like me?”

“You know, mad and stuff.” He turns his head and stares out the window, watching the buildings and houses and trees roll by. People on their way home to their families. On their way home from work or running errands.

I slow for a woman in the crosswalk.

“I don’t think I’m mad and stuff—not all of the time.”

Kyle glances over. “Just most of the time?”

Am I?

“Is that what you think? That I’m mad most of the time?”

His slight shoulders give a shrug, and now he’s looking down at his sneakers. “I think it would be cool to be like you when I grow up.”

“Why?”

My blinker goes on, and I hang a left at the stop sign, racking my brain for a way to respond without sounding callous and bitter.

“Because you’re big and good at wrestling and nobody tells you what to do.”

“Violet tells me what to do sometimes,” I point out.

“True.” His head bobs up and down. “Why do you let her?”

“Why do I let Violet tell me what to do?” I clarify the question.

“Yeah,” he says with a comical scowl. “You’re always letting her boss you around.”

“Well…I definitely wouldn’t say she was bossy—she’s too sweet.” Suddenly it’s hard to swallow. “But I guess I let her tell me what to do because I like her.”

“Like boyfriend girlfriend?”

“Uh…sure.”

Kyle’s head hits the headrest and he quirks one of his puny little eyebrows, giving me a look I myself have made at him a thousand times.

Shit. The scrappy turd is mimicking my behavior.

“What do you mean sure. You either do or you don’t.”

“Uh…”

He taps his fingers on the center console. “It’s not a difficult question you know.”

“Yeah, but now you’re confusing me because you’re eleven and you sound twenty-four.”

“I’ve had a rough life; I’ve picked up a thing or two.”

“You know Kyle, you might have had a rough life, but there’s always someone who’s worse off than you—remember that.”

“Okay, I will.”

“I mean it, kid. If there’s one thing I’ve learned through all this bullshit with having to hang out with you—”

“Hey!”

Now we’re both rolling our eyes. “You know what I meant—no offense.” I continue, “Anyway, if there’s one thing I’ve learned being your Big, it’s that even if the things you have are shitty—your clothes suck or you have to eat peanut butter and fucking jelly for every meal, there’s a kid out there starving.”

I cannot believe I’m giving him a pep talk. What do chicks call this? A life chat?

“It took me a long time to figure it out. I think I’m starting to be a better person. Maybe.”

Jesus Christ I sound like a sap; thank god no one else can hear me but the kid.

“Do you think it’s because you met Violet?” He wants to know, and I turn my head slightly to get as good a look at him as I can while driving. A good, long look at the kid.

His hair is shaggy and still needs a cut. His t-shirt is wrinkled and needs to be washed. His shoes are new but need to be cleaned. He’s a mess, but an honest, hopeful one.

“No. I think it’s because I met you.”

“Me?” His voice is full of wonder.

“Yeah kid. You.”

Kyle has nothing to say to that, so we sit in silence, the radio playing soft rock in the background. Finally, a smile lights up his scrubby face, and he’s grinning from ear to ear.

“Cool.”

Zeke: Hey Vi, just making sure you got your backpack and laptop? Barbara from the library was worried and knew we hung out, so she asked me to bring it to you.

Violet: Yes, she texted me. Thank you for bringing it home.

Zeke: Your roommate Mel threatened to chop my nuts off when she came to the door.

Violet: Yes, she told me the whole story.

Zeke: Um, did she give you the message that I stopped by hoping to talk?

Violet: Yes.

Zeke: Well can we? Yes or no.

Zeke: Sorry. That came our harsher than I wanted it to. What I meant was, can we please talk?