The Edge of Always

And I said, “Then I think you should, too.”

I sit down next to her. I was glad she made that decision on her own, without me adding my input. Hey, as long as I don’t start that man-lactating stuff and she expects me to try it, I’m good with whatever decision she makes.

“I read that most babies are born with blue eyes,” Camryn says, looking down at her, “but I think later she’ll have your green eyes.”

I brush our daughter’s head lightly with my fingertips. “Maybe so.” I can’t stop looking at the two of them, my beautiful wife and my precious little girl. I feel like I’ve stepped into another world, one brighter than I ever imagined. I really didn’t think I could be any happier the way I have been with Camryn. I didn’t think that was possible.

I think Camryn is still somewhat in shock.

“What’s on your mind?” I ask, never losing my warm smile.

Her tired eyes soften as she looks up at me. “You were right,” she says.

The baby makes a little sucking noise, so faint I barely hear it, but I find myself attentive to every noise and move she makes.

Camryn goes on, “You said that I wouldn’t miscarry this time. You said that your tumor wasn’t going to come back. You said that everything would work out. And it did.” She glances at the baby for a moment, brushing her eyebrow with her finger, and then looks back up at me. “Thank you for being right.”

I stand up from the chair, take one side of her face and chin into my hand, and I raise her head so I can kiss her lips.

There’s a soft knock at the door and it opens slowly. My mom’s head peeks around the corner.

“Come on in,” I say, gesturing her inside.

The oversized door opens the rest of the way, and so many people walk into the room one after the other that I stop counting after Aidan and Michelle, who is five months pregnant.

There’s a lot of hugging going around, everybody wrapping their arms around my back but trying to get a glimpse of the baby at the same time.

“Congratulations, bro,” Aidan says, patting my back. “I had a feeling you’d have one before me.” He reaches over and rubs Michelle’s rounded belly. She playfully brushes his hand away and says something about how he better not stick his finger in her belly button again. Then she hugs me and makes her way to Camryn’s bedside.

“We’re having a boy,” Aidan says.

“Really?” I ask. “Awesome.”

The announcement gets Camryn’s attention too, but Michelle speaks up first.

“He doesn’t know that for sure,” she says. “He just thinks he knows.”

Camryn laughs lightly and says, “Take it from me, if a Parrish brother says he’s having a boy or a girl, he’s probably right.”

“All right, well we’ll see,” Michelle says, still not convinced.

I look at my brother, and I’ve seen his confident look before. Yeah, they’re definitely having a boy.

“Oh my God,” I hear Natalie say quietly from somewhere in the room, “the blanket is pink. Does that mean what I think it means?” She brings both hands up to her face, her ring-adorned fingers touching her lips. I’m actually surprised that she’s being so tame. Blake stands next to her, quiet as ever.

Camryn looks at me first and I give her the nod of approval and then she says to everybody, “Yes, this is our daughter.”

All of the women immediately migrate the rest of the way through the room and over to the bed. Camryn’s mom reaches out, first wanting to hold her, and Camryn covers her breast with her gown and carefully hands her over.

“Oh, she’s so beautiful, Camryn,” Nancy says harmoniously. Her bleached-blonde hair is fixed into a sloppy bun on the top of her head. Her eyes as blue as Camryn’s. They really do favor one another. “She’s perfect. My perfect little granddaughter.” Camryn’s stepdad, Roger, looks terrified standing against the wall by himself. I’m not sure if it’s because this kind of thing makes him uncomfortable or because he realizes he’s now married to a grandmother. I laugh inside.

Asher hugs me next. “If it would’ve been a boy, I would’ve been worried with having another one of you running around.” He grins and nudges me with his elbow.

“Yeah, well, just wait, little brother,” I say, sucking on my tooth, “you’re next in line, and another one of you is just as bad as another one of me.”

“I don’t know about that,” he counters.

“No, you’re right,” I say. “You have to have a girlfriend first to pull it off. I don’t think you have much to worry about as far as having any kids anytime soon.”

“Dude, I have a girlfriend,” he says.

“Who? Lara Croft? Or one of Luis Royo’s girls?” I laugh.

“Whatever, man,” he says, crossing his arms and shaking his head, but I know it’ll take a lot more to get under his skin than that. If I didn’t screw with him he’d think something was wrong with me.

“Uncle Asher,” I say, to make up for it anyway. “It has a nice ring to it.”

He nods contemplatively and says, “Yeah, I think it does, too.”

Nancy passes our daughter to my mom next. I’ve never seen her so proud before. She keeps looking over at me and then back at the baby, back and forth.

“She’s got your nose and your lips, Andrew,” my mom says.

“And Camryn’s hair and her lungs,” I point out.

Natalie is at the foot of the bed now and she’s fidgeting, her hands down in front of her. My mom notices how anxious she is to hold her, so she kisses her new granddaughter on the head and passes her to Natalie.

“I hope you washed your hands, Nat,” Camryn says from the bed.

“I did!” Natalie says, and then ignores Camryn and starts talking to my daughter even though she’s asleep, “Oh, you are the cutest thing I’ve ever seen,” her voice rises a little higher the more excited she gets. Then she looks up straight at Camryn and says with a serious face, “Oh my God, I want one.”

Blake’s eyes get huge, and I think he’s stopped breathing. When I look back at him a few minutes later, he’s already made his way to stand next to Roger against the wall.

Camryn’s aunt Brenda holds her next, and then one of her cousins. After Michelle holds her for a few minutes and gushes about how beautiful she is, she places her back in Camryn’s arms. I take the chair next to Camryn against the bed again.

“So, have you decided on a name?” my mom asks.

Camryn and I look at each other, and we’re both thinking the same thing.

“Not yet,” Camryn answers, and it’s all that she says. I know I’m probably the only one in the room who sees it now that the name issue has been brought up: Camryn can’t help but think about Lily. But she lets that moment pass and kisses our baby on the cheek, so obviously proud of what she has despite what she lost.

Most of the family is gone before night falls, but our moms hang around a little longer afterward, getting to know each other. This is the first time they’ve officially met. And finally they leave, shortly before seven, just as the nurse comes into the room to check on the baby and Camryn.

When the three of us are alone again, I dim the lights in the room so that only the one near the private bathroom is on. Our daughter is sleeping soundly in Camryn’s arms. I know Camryn’s tired, completely exhausted, but she can’t bring herself to lay the baby down so she can get some sleep herself. I offered to take her so she could sleep, but she insisted she stay awake.

I watch the two of them for a moment, such a perfect moment, and then I walk over and sit down on the side of the bed next to them.

Camryn looks over at me, then back down at our sleeping angel.

“Lily,” I say simply.

Camryn looks back over at me, confused.

I nod slowly as if to say, Yes, you heard me right, and I touch our baby’s soft head again.

“Do you remember what I told you? Back in Chicago when I found the pills?”

She shakes her head no.

This time I touch Camryn’s face, tracing my fingers down one side and then the other.

“I said that Lily just wasn’t ready then.” I pause and then add with a smile, “Same soul, different body.”

Something thoughtful sparks in Camryn’s eyes. She tilts her head gently to the side, looking at me in wonder. And then she gazes down at the baby again and doesn’t look back up for what seems like forever.

When she does, tears are trailing down her cheeks. “You think so?” she asks, hopeful.

“Yeah. I do.”

She starts to cry harder and gently presses baby Lily against her br**sts, rocking her. Then she looks up at me and nods several times. “Lily,” she whispers quietly and kisses the top of her head.

The next morning, I stir awake in the chair beside Camryn’s bed where I fell asleep the night before. I hear Camryn’s voice speaking quietly in the room, and like every other time before, I pretend to be asleep while she reads that letter I wrote her months ago.

Camryn

38

Dear Camryn,

I know you’re scared. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little scared, too, but I have to believe that this time around everything will be fine. And it will be.

We’ve been through so much together. More than most people in such a short time. But no matter what, the one thing that has never changed is that we’re still together. Death couldn’t take me away from you. Weakness couldn’t make me look at you in a bad light. Drugs and the shit that comes with them couldn’t take you away from me, or turn you against me. I think it’s more than safe to say that we’re indestructible.

Maybe all of this has been a test. Yeah, I think about that a lot and I’ve convinced myself of it. A lot of people take Fate for granted. Some have everything they’ve ever wanted or needed right at their fingertips, but they abuse it. Others walk right past their only opportunity because they never open their eyes long enough to see that it’s there. But you and I, even before we met, took all the risks, made our own decisions without listening to everybody around us telling us, in so many ways, that what we’re doing is wrong. Hell no, we did it our way, no matter how reckless, or crazy or unconventional. It’s like the more we pushed and the more we fought, the harder the obstacles. Because we had to prove we were the real deal.

And I know we’ve done just that.

Camryn, I want you to read this letter to yourself once a week. It doesn’t matter what day or what time, just read it. Every time you open it, I want you to see that another week has passed and you’re still pregnant. That I’m still in good health. That we’re still together. I want you to think about the three of us, you, me and our son or daughter, traveling Europe and South America. Just picture it. Because we’re going to do it. I promise you that.

You’re everything to me, and I want you to stay strong and not let your fear of the past taint the path to our future. Everything will work out this time, Camryn, everything will, I swear to you.