The Diary Of Pamela D.

'As compared to what?' Mrs. Pascoe said, dryly. Then, she told her.

'I spent how much? Oh, no! Mrs. Dewhurst's going to be so mad at me-'

'Don't be daft! You were supposed to spend all of it! Mrs. Dewhurst, indeed.'

This last remark was utterly lost on Pamela, who looked in her purse and estimated how much she had left.

'What in Heaven's name is wrong now?'

'This can't be right,' Pamela said, her face pale. 'This is more money than I've ever made in-'

'As I said before, "Don't be daft!" "Mrs. Dewhurst" gave you that money to spend because he- she, rather, cares about you. Spend it. It'll make her feel good, as well as yourself. For God's sake, luv,' she said, reaching across and sorting out some of the girl's unruly curls, said, 'you've got to understand that you're living with people who care about you, who'll do more than just talk about it. Besides,' she added with a wicked grin, 'if some of what you got doesn't catch Mr. Theo's eye, nothing will.'

'He doesn't even like me,' Pamela said quietly. 'He always makes me feel like an intruder . . . which I am, sort of-'

'Stop talking nonsense! You don't know what's going through that head of his. Theo just isn't very good at showing how he feels.'

'Yes, well he doesn't seem to have any difficulty showing how he feels when he's angry with me.'

'Anger, that's easy,' Mrs. Pascoe said with a wry smile. 'Love, on the other hand- that can be very hard.'

'Love?' Pamela said. 'He doesn't seem to have any trouble expressing his feelings to his mother.'

Mrs. Pascoe gave her a wry look. 'This isn't exactly his mother we're talking about, now, is it?'

'But . . . what are we talking about?'

'Pamela! Come on, finish your lunch. It's time we were getting back. If you need me to tell you something like that, well! You're just going to have to muddle through this one on your own.'

That Sunday they went to church, and Pamela discovered that, as Mrs. Dewhurst had said, church was a household affair. To her surprise, she found the experience enjoyable. As well, it brought her one step closer to feeling as though she truly belonged to something. The only other time she had experienced anything similar was during Christmas at the Mission. But this experience was wholly different: it was more far-reaching, in ways she couldn't put into words. It wasn't a sentiment that began and ended with the holiday season; it was an ongoing tradition that permeated the lives of the people she lived amongst, and she found herself wanting very much to be a part of things.