The Daughter of an Empress

"And you were not at all in a situation to grant it to him," laughingly

interposed the cardinal. "He might, perhaps, have been not a little

astonished, this good husband, that you watched by night as well as by

day the temple of his wedded happiness."

"With tears of anguish and terror she conjured me to fly, to save her

from the derision of the world and the anger of her husband. She led me

to a secret stairway, and I, like a madman pursued by the furies, was

hastening to descend, when my foot slipped and I fell down the stairs

with a loud clattering noise. I felt the blood oozing from my breast

and pouring from my mouth in a warm stream--my limbs pained me

frightfully--but I picked myself up and with extremest suffering fled

to my cloister, when, having reached my cell, I fell senseless. A long

illness now confined me to my bed and tortured my body with frightful

pains; but far more frightful were the tortures of my soul, more

frightful the voices that day and night whispered to me of my crime and

guiltiness! My conscience was fully awakened; it spoke to me in a voice

of thunder, and like a worm I turned upon my bed of pain, imploring of

God a little mercy for the torments that burned my brain! This time God

permitted Himself to be found by me; I heard his voice, saying: 'Go and

repent, and thy sins shall be forgiven thee! Shake off the sinfulness

that weighs upon thy head, and peace will return to thy bosom.' I heard

this voice of God, and wept with repentant sorrow. I vowed to obey and

reconcile myself to God by renouncing my love and never again seeing its

object! It was a great sacrifice, but God demanded it, and I obeyed!"

"That is, this sickness had restored you from intoxication to sobriety;

you were tired of your mistress!"

"I had, perhaps, never loved her more warmly, more intensely, than in

those dreadful hours when I was struggling with my poor tortured heart

and imploring God for strength to renounce her and separate myself from

her forever. But God was merciful and aided my weakness with His own

strength. Letters came from her, and I had the cruel courage to read

them; I had condemned myself to do it as an expiation, and while I read

her soft complainings, her love-sorrows, I felt in my heart the same

sorrows, the same disconsolate wretchedness; tears streamed from my

eyes, and I flayed my breast with my nails in utter despair! Ah, at such

moments how often did I forget God and my repentance; how often did

I press those letters to my lips and call my beloved by the tenderest

names; my whole soul, my whole being flew to her, and, forgetting all,

all, I wanted to rush to her presence, fall down at her feet, and be

blessed only through her, even if my eternal salvation was thereby lost!

But what was it, what then restrained my feet, what suddenly arrested

those words of insane passion upon my lips and irresistibly drew me

down upon my knees to pray? It was God, who then announced Himself to

me--God, who called me to Himself--God, who finally gave me strength to

understand my love and always leave her letters unanswered until they

finally ceased to come--until her complaints, which, however, had

consoled me, were no longer heard! The sacrifice was made, God accepted

it, my sin was expiated, and I was glad, for my heart was forever

broken, and never, since then, has a smile of happiness played upon

my lips. But in my soul has it become tranquil and serene, God dwells

there, and within me is a peace known only to those who have struggled

and overcome, who have expiated their sins with a free will and flayed

breast."