The Certainty of Violet & Luke

‘Dammit. Did I f**k this up?’ I grip onto the steering wheel, trying to calm down and think of something else, but it’s all I can think of. When my head feels like it’s on the verge of exploding, I decide to call my father to let him know what’s happening, figuring it’ll be a distraction from my obsessive need to analyze Violet and mine’s relationship.

‘Hey, Luke,’ he answers after three rings.

‘Mom’s in jail,’ I tell him. ‘They arrested her for … for her involvement in Violet’s parents’ murders.’

‘Luke, I’m so sorry,’ he says sympathetically.

I lean back in the seat of the truck and stare out the window at the stars. I remember when I first got my license and this truck, how I used to sleep in it just to avoid going home. I’d just park somewhere out in the mountains and turn on some music and stare up at the night sky, basking in the peace of not having to be anywhere near my mother. ‘You don’t need to be sorry. I’m glad she’s locked up.’

‘That’s not what I’m sorry for,’ he tells me with a heavy-hearted sigh. ‘I’m sorry you have to go through this … that you and Violet have to go through this. It has to be tough … your mother … her parents … God, I can’t even imagine how Violet feels right now.’

‘I can’t either, since she won’t talk to me about it.’ I’ve never been one for talking about personal stuff going in my life so I surprise us both when I say this. I didn’t even mean to say it aloud, but between the stress and lack of sleep, my brain’s been working a little slow the last couple of weeks.

‘That’s pretty understandable, considering the circumstances.’ He pauses. ‘How are you handling it?’

‘I already told you I’m glad that she’s in jail.’

‘Not with that. I mean, handling Violet being distant.’

I shrug even though he can’t see me. ‘Fine, I guess.’

‘Luke … you don’t sound fine.’ There’s hesitancy in his voice, something that exists because our relationship is still rocky. I feel like I’m just getting to know my dad after years of him being pretty much nonexistent in my life and I think he feels guilty for being nonexistent, especially after finding out some of the stuff that went on with my mother while Amy and I were growing up. ‘You know I’m here if you need to talk.’

I plan on telling him that I’m fine again. That I called him just to give him a heads up on what’s going on with my mother, but suddenly words are leaving my lips that I don’t mean to say. ‘I told Violet I love her.’ Fuck.

‘Oh.’ He’s silent, thinking about who the f**k knows. Probably that his son is still screwing up, something I’ve proved to him quite a few times with my drinking and gambling habit.

‘I told her right after she told me about mom,’ I say then add with a sarcastic laugh, ‘Perfect f**king time, right?’

He chuckles on the other end of the line ‘I told Trevor I loved him during his grandmother’s funeral.’

‘Well he married you so it must have worked.’ I aim for a light tone but suck at it big time.

He chuckles again. ‘I was just telling you so you’d know that when it happens it happens and sometimes we can’t help it when we fall in love. It just sort of blindsides us, you know.’

He’s completely right. When I first realized I was in love with Violet, it came out of nowhere. It was like one minute I liked her and wanted to help her and the next minute I loved her and would do anything for her. ‘I’ve known for a while.’ I free a trapped breath, deciding if I want to go down this road with him, where we talk about our feeling and personal shit. What the hell am I doing? This doesn’t sound like me at all. But am I really me anymore? My eyes wander to the rearview mirror, the person staring back at me isn’t me either. They look healthier. More stable. My eyes less glossy, skin less pale.

‘That you loved her?’ He carries on with caution

I squirm at the sound of the love. Unlike Violet, I did hear it a lot from my mother while growing up, but it always felt wrong when she said it … and the way she showed it. ‘Yeah … I’ve known for like a month and have been waiting for the perfect time to say it to her. But like I said, I f**ked up on that one big time.’

A gap of silence passes.

‘What did Violet say after you told her?’ he asks.

‘Not much.’ It’s painful just remembering it, the endless silence that followed. ‘There was a f**k-load of awkward silence and then she said she needed to go down to the police station to see if she could identify mom as the person in the house that night.’

‘So where are you now? ‘

I pick at the crack in the steering wheel as I look over at the police station, noticing a guy standing beside a tree near the entryway, smoking a cigarette. I wouldn’t even have noticed him probably, but he’s staring directly at my truck. ‘Outside the station waiting for her.’ I lean forward trying to get a better look at the guy, but it’s too dark to see his face. For all I know, it could be Preston. But would he dare come to a police station?

My father grows quiet as I continue to stare the guy down and he looks as if he’s doing the same thing back. I think about getting out, start reaching for the handle, when he takes a drag of his cigarette, then flicks it on the ground and walks off toward the parking lot. I open the door to get out, but by the time I get my boots planted on the ground, he’s walked up to a Ford Taurus where a pregnant woman is waiting for him. He kisses her then opens the passenger door for her and the light from the lamppost in the parking lot hit his face. It’s not Preston, but it’s a realization of how worried and paranoid I am and how much I never relax.

I just want to be able to relax again. Not worry.

‘So Trevor and I were thinking about taking a trip out there soon.’ My father interrupts my thoughts and I look away from the guy and fix my attention on the night sky again. ‘Maybe we could fly out in a couple of weeks … help out with anything you guys need help with.’

‘I have football games on the weekends,’ I tell him, which is true, but I’m also not sure I want him to come out yet, not sure if I’m ready for that.

‘That could be fun,’ he says with a hint of excitement. ‘I’ve never seen you play before.’

I want to say that’s because you abandoned me, but I’ve been trying to work on that shit ever since I had to borrow money from him to bail me out of a gambling debt, which he won’t let me repay. And I don’t want to be the kind of son that uses his father for money.

‘I have to work on Sundays too,’ I say. ‘But if you’re okay with that then sure. Come out.’

‘Are you still working at that bar?’ he wonders with concern. I don’t blame him for worrying. Recovering drinker working at the bar. It’s not the ideal situation but I’m looking for something else that will work with my school schedule, games and practice. But still, the fact that he’s bringing it up is kind of annoying me.

‘I applied at a few other places,’ I explain, shaking off my annoyance the best that I can. ‘But haven’t heard anything yet.’

‘You’re not thinking about … about gambling again, right?’

Honestly, I haven’t thought about it a whole lot, but that might be because I’ve been so focused on Violet. ‘I’m good. I promise.’

‘Okay … I just wanted to check up on you … I worry, you know, about you,’ he says and I can detect the smallest bit of relief in his voice as if he’d been worried I’d been going back to my old habits. ‘I’ll get some tickets booked so we can fly out in few weeks and let you know what time our flight lands.’

‘Sounds good.’ It’s strange. My dad is coming to Laramie, to see me. Not long ago I would have fought it, but now I just have to accept what is otherwise I’ll go back to the Luke that hangs onto everything and drowns his pain away with booze.

‘And Luke? ‘

‘Yeah.’

‘If you need anything call me.’

Just a few words, but they mean a lot. Getting way too f**king emotional, I reply with an ‘okay,’ then hang up, telling myself to stop acting like a pu**y and suck it up. To distract myself, I crank up some music and start searching through job ads online on my phone, but I start to grow restless as more time ticks by. Thirty minutes. One hour. Two. God, I wish I knew what was going on in there. Wish I knew that Violet was okay and that seeing my mother wasn’t breaking her.

Chapter 10

Violet

I’ve never been a fan of police stations. The noises: phones ringing, loud voices, commotions. It smells like takeout and I’m starving. It’s driving me crazy and is bringing back the few times I had to visit some while I was growing up, both for myself the few times I got into trouble and for my parents’ case. It’s unsettling and making me fidgety. And it’s not helping that it’s taking forever. I’ve been sitting outside Detective Stephner’s office for a couple of hours, waiting for him to show up and tell me it’s time to go back – time to get this over with. I feel bad for Luke sitting out there in his truck, probably wondering where I am and I can’t even call him since I left my phone at the apartment.

I think about going outside to tell him that maybe he should just wait for me at the apartment, when Detective Stephner comes strolling up to me from one of the cubicles. He has a folder tucked in his hand and a cup of coffee in his hand and is wearing a suit, the jacket open, revealing his tie with Christmas trees on it.

‘You know it’s not Christmas, right?’ I elevate my eyebrows at him, sarcasm dripping from my voice as he tosses the coffee into the trash bin beside me.

His forehead creases as he sifts through some papers in his hand. ‘Huh?’

I point at his tie. ‘It’s October, shouldn’t those be like pumpkins or something?’

He distractedly glances away from the papers and down at the tie. ‘Oh that.’ He laughs, scratching his head. ‘Yeah, my wife must have laid out the wrong one for me this morning.’

‘Your wife lays your clothes out for you? How very nineteen fifties of you, and kind of sexist.’

He sighs, because I always do this to him – press his buttons. I’m not even sure why. He’s not as bad as the detectives I’ve had to deal with in the past, but being here in the police station brings back too much painful memories for me and this bitterness sort of spills out.

‘She likes doing it,’ he replies with a hint of aggravation. ‘I don’t ask her to do it.’

I gesture at his tie. ‘It looks really clear that she enjoys it, which is why she dressed you in Christmas stuff in October.’

‘Why do you do this every time you come in?’

‘What? Yank your balls?’

He gives me a blank stare. ‘You know, one of these days that mouth of yours is going to get you in trouble.’

I stare back at him, my expression matching his. ‘That’s for the words of wisdom.’

He sighs again, giving up. ‘Okay, are you ready for this.’

I shake my head. ‘Nope.’

He sighs again. ‘Violet, we talked—’

I cut him off. ‘I’ll never be ready for it, but I’ll do it. I was just stating a simple fact.’ I stand up from the chair, my knees wobbling and my stomach bouncing with my nerves, a bundle of butterflies that must have awoken specifically for this moment.

‘Alright, follow me,’ he says, heading across the busy room full of cubicles and desks and toward a hallway with florescent lighting. There are still a lot of people at the station and I catch a few of them glancing up at me as I pass. I wonder if they know who I am, if they know my sad, depressing story. I wonder if it makes them afraid of me. ‘Oh and I wanted to let you know that I got the package with the photo and am looking into it.’

‘Okay …’ I’m barely aware of what he’s saying as the reality of what’s about to happen bears down on me. With each step, it feels like the walls are closing in, crushing, suffocating. I can barely breathe. Think. Function. This is it. I’m really going to go see the woman whose song has haunted my nightmare for years? How is it going to make me feel? Can I handle it?

Whoosh.

It’s like all the air has been ripped out of my lungs. I suck in a deep breath, my vision spotting, and my knees start to buckle. I brace my hand on the cold brick wall to keep from collapsing onto the floor.

‘Shit,’ I say between gasps. This can’t be happening right now. ‘Shit. Shit. Shit.’

‘What’s wrong?’ Detective Stephner asks, leaning over with concern in his eyes as he studies my face. ‘Violet, just breathe. It’ll all be over soon.’

I shake my head and back away down the hall. I didn’t prepare myself for this … this massive wave of emotional turmoil. I want to be stronger, want to have inner strength like the old Violet, but she was only a façade, a costume I’d wear to make it easier to pretend everything was okay when it wasn’t. But that costume was torn to pieces and my true self left standing vulnerable and naked. I want to run away and fix the problem the only way I know how, but after today, realizing that I don’t want to die, I’m not sure it would calm me down even if I tried. ‘I can’t do this … not when I feel like this …’

‘Do you want me to call someone to be here with you?’ he asks, following me down the hallway, but he knows I don’t have anyone, hence a hint of uneasiness on his part.