The Broad Highway

"Yours is a very unpleasant profession," said I.

"A man must live!"

"But," said I, "supposing you get hit?"

"Them as 'its me gets a cigar!"

"Doesn't it hurt you?"

"Oh! you gets used to it--though, to be sure, they don't 'it me

very often, or it would be a loss; cigars is expensive--leastways

they costs money."

"But surely a wooden image would serve your turn just as well."

"A wooden image!" exclaimed the man disgustedly. "James!--you

must be a fool, you must! Who wants to throw at a wooden image

--you can't 'urt a wooden image, can you--if you throwed 'eavens

'ard at a wooden image that there wooden image wouldn't flinch,

would it? When a man throws at anything 'e likes to 'it it

--that's 'uman--and when 'e 'its it 'e likes to see it flinch

--that's 'uman too, and when it flinches, why--'e rubs 'is 'ands,

and takes another shot--and that's the 'umanest of all. So you

see, young cove, you're a fool with your wooden image."

Now, as he ended, I stooped, very suddenly, and caught hold of

his wrist--and then I saw that he held my purse in his hand. It

was a large hand with bony knuckles, and very long fingers, upon

one of which was a battered ring. He attempted, at first, to

free himself of my grip, but, finding this useless, stood

glowering at me with one eye and leering with the other.

"Ha!" said I.

"Hallo!" said he.

"A purse!" said I.

"Why, so it is," he nodded; leastways, it looks uncommonly like

one, don't it?"

"What's more, it looks like mine!"

"Does it?"

"I could swear to it anywhere."

"Could you?"

"I could."

"Then p'r'aps you'd better take it, young cove, and very welcome,

I'm sure."

"So you've been picking my pocket!" said I.

"Never picked a pocket in my life--should scorn to."

I put away my recovered property, and straightway shifted my grip

to the fellow's collar.

"Now," said I, "come on."

"Why, what are you a-doing of?"

"What does one generally do with a pickpocket?"

But I had hardly uttered the words when, with a sudden cunning

twist, he broke my hold, and, my foot catching in a guy-rope, I

tripped, and fell heavily, and ere I could rise he had made good

his escape. I got to my feet, somewhat shaken by the fall, yet

congratulating myself on the recovery of my purse, and, threading

my way among the tents, was soon back among the crowd. Here were

circuses and shows of all kinds, where one might behold divers

strange beasts, the usual Fat Women and Skeleton Men (who ever

heard of the order being reversed?); and before the shows were

fellows variously attired, but each being purplish of visage, and

each possessing the lungs of a Stentor--more especially one, a

round-bellied, bottle-nosed fellow in a white hat, who alternately

roared and beat upon a drum--a red-haired man he was, with a fiery

eye, which eye, chancing to single me out in the crowd, fixed

itself pertinaciously upon me, thenceforth, so that he seemed to

address himself exclusively to me, thus: "O my stars! [young man]." (Bang goes the drum.) "The wonderful

wild, 'airy, and savage man from Bonhoola, as eats snakes alive,

and dresses hisself in sheeny serpents! O my eye! step up! [young

man]." (Bang!) "Likewise the ass-tonishin' and beautiful Lady

Paulinolotti, as will swaller swords, sabres, bay'nets, also

chewin' up glass, and bottles quicker than you can wink [young

man]." (Bang!) "Not to mention Catamaplasus, the Fire Fiend,

what burns hisself with red-hot irons, and likes it, drinks

liquid fire with gusto--playfully spittin' forth the same,

together with flame and sulphurous smoke, and all for sixpence

[young man]." (Bang!) "O my stars! step up [young man] and all

for a tanner." (Bang!) Presently, his eye being off me for the moment, I edged my way

out of the throng and so came to where a man stood mounted upon a

cart. Beside him was a fellow in a clown's habit who blew loudly

three times upon a trumpet, which done, the man took off his hat

and began to harangue the crowd, something in this wise: "I come before you, ladies and gentlemen, not for vulgar gain--or,

as I might say--kudos, which is Eyetalian for the same--not to put

my hands into your pockets and rifle 'em of your honestly earned

money; no, I come before you for the good of each one of you, for

the easing of suffering mankind--as I might say--the ha-melioration

of stricken humanity. In a word, I am here to introduce to you

what I call my Elixir Anthropos--Anthropos, ladies and gentlemen,

is an old and very ancient Egyptian word meaning man--or woman, for

that matter," etc.