The Best Goodbye

“Deborah let me stay with her family until I started showing and we couldn’t hide it. They were Southern Baptist, and the congregation wouldn’t accept a pregnant teenage girl living in the minister’s home. So she helped get me a job in Oklahoma, where her sister lived, and it was there that I made a life for Franny and me.”

Hating my mother had been something I’d accepted a long time ago. I’d hated my father just as fiercely, though, because he had left us with her. He hadn’t helped her. But now, knowing Addy had lived through this hell made me hate the woman who gave me life even more. So many things could have happened to Addy. So many bad things, and I hadn’t been there.

“She’s mine.” I needed to say it aloud. I had known Franny was mine, but hearing Addy say it made it real.

She just nodded.

I had a daughter.

But the woman in front of me was a stranger now. The girl I’d loved once and known better than anyone was now distant and reserved. She was strong and independent. She didn’t need me anymore. She also didn’t seem to like me very much. We were strangers, and the pang that came with that realization sliced through me.

When I didn’t say anything, Addy moved toward the small living room. “Why don’t we sit down? I can get you a drink.”

I hadn’t moved from the spot where I was standing. Addy was so much calmer about everything. But then, she’d been here watching me, knowing who I was, for more than a month. She’d had time to adjust. I followed her and sat on the first chair I came to, but I couldn’t stop looking at her. I should have seen it. The first fucking day she walked into the restaurant.

“Your hair,” I said, with more accusation in my voice than necessary, but dammit, she had hidden herself from me. She had been hiding right fucking in front of me.

She touched the darker locks and gave me a small smile. “I didn’t want to walk into your world as Addy. I needed to be sure that the man you had become was someone I wanted Franny to know. She’s been asking about her father for years, and I’ve been looking. When I found you, I didn’t want to bring her into your life until I knew you’d accept her and she wouldn’t be hurt.”

As pissed as I was, I got it. She was a loving, protective mother. Something she’d never had in her own life. Something neither of us had had.

The fact that she hadn’t intentionally kept my kid from me eased the anger some, but I still felt robbed. Losing Addy had sent me on a course that had molded me into a man who was nothing like the boy who had loved her. I wasn’t the guy she had left behind.

“I’m different. I’ve done things that have changed me,” I said, looking at her as she sat down across from me.

She gave me a tight smile and looked away. “I know you’re different. I’ve seen it.”

Those words made me feel like I’d failed. I had fought to survive. She knew nothing of what I’d endured. I knew her life had been hard, but mine hadn’t been easy, either. There was no minister’s wife to help me. I had killed men. I had lost my fucking soul because her death had ruined me.

“I want to know my daughter.” I wasn’t going to let her keep Franny from me. If she wasn’t happy with the man she saw, that wasn’t OK with me. I had a right to know my child. To be involved in her life.

Addy swung her gaze back to me. “Good. She wants to know her father.”

Eleven years ago

I knocked once on Addy’s door. Mom was passed out drunk, but I was still careful not to make enough noise to disturb her. I wanted her to remain passed out. Addy had stayed hidden in her room, like I told her to, all evening. We hadn’t even gotten to talk about the day. Plus, I just wanted to be near her. She was letting me hold her hand at school now, and last night, she’d let me hold her until she fell asleep. I wanted more of that.

The door opened slowly, and Addy gave me a shy smile before stepping back and letting me in. Being near her, knowing I could touch her, made me feel a little off balance. I wanted so much, but I didn’t want to scare her. I didn’t want to lose what I had been given. My heart always beat faster when she was near.

“I just finished my homework,” she said, walking over to the bed to put away her books.

Her blond hair fell over her shoulder. I wanted to play with her hair. Run my fingers through it and watch the way it looked sliding over my hand. “You don’t need help with anything?” I asked.

She set the books on the small table beside the bed and shook her head no. “Not tonight.” Then she sat down and patted the spot beside her. “You look ready to bolt. What’s wrong?”

Shit. I was messing it up because I couldn’t stay calm around her. My imagination was running wild. I had to control this. “I’m good. Just wasn’t sure if you wanted me to stay tonight or not.” God, let her say yes.

She grinned and ducked her head. “I always want you to stay,” she said softly.

My heart slammed against my ribs, and I took a deep breath. Calm. I had to stay fucking calm. I moved over to sit beside her. “So how was school today?” I asked, hoping I didn’t sound as wound-up as I was.

She scooted closer to me, and her hand slipped over mine. “It was good. Same as every other day.”

I turned my hand over so that our palms were touching and threaded my fingers through her small ones. Even her pale skin against my tanned skin turned me on. This was going to kill me. I wanted so much of her, and I had to stop thinking about how soft and sweet the skin under her clothes would be.