The Best Goodbye

“Shit, are you OK? Why did you come back without me? Did she hurt you? Fuck, Addy, open the door.”

He was worried about me. He was always worried about me. I was his burden, and I hated that even more than I hated my freckles. I sniffled and wiped at my face, knowing it was going to be red and splotchy.

“Please, Addy. Open up,” he begged.

I stood and went to the door, wishing I didn’t have to face him. I could still see his hand on Delany and his tongue in her mouth. Cringing with jealousy and disgust, I opened the door.

River shoved inside before I could get it all the way open. “What happened?” he asked, cupping my face and studying it closely for any signs of abuse.

“Nothing,” I mumbled, and stepped away from him, knowing where those hands had been so recently. “You see, I’m good. You can go.” I pointed to the door without making eye contact with him.

“Like hell you’re good. You won’t even look at me, and since when do you kick me out of your room? Addy, something happened, and I want to know who the fuck I need to beat up.” He was always ready to save me. The short, freckled best friend who was in love with him.

“No one. It’s not what you think. I’m just emotional,” I admitted. I walked back to my bed to sit down.

“You’re never emotional. Something’s wrong. Tell me.”

He didn’t realize that he didn’t really want to know what was wrong. He thought he did, but he really didn’t. How would he handle it? I wasn’t a girl he could avoid. I was in his house. Living the same daily hell he was. “Would you trust me if I told you that you don’t want to know this, and you can’t fix it?” I asked him.

He shook his head no. “I want to know what makes you cry, because I know I can fucking fix it.”

Sighing, I pulled my knees up under my chin and turned my head away from him to stare at the wall. We would do this all night. He wouldn’t leave until I told him. He’d know if I lied to him, because he could read me too well. In so many ways, we were similar. Telling him was going to hurt us both. But he was my best friend, and if I was going to have a hard time adjusting to this, then he should be prepared. I doubted this was the last time I would curl up and cry over him and Delany. Or some other girl.

“I saw you with Delany,” I whispered. As soon as I said it, I wished I hadn’t. I hoped he hadn’t heard me. When he didn’t respond, I thought maybe I had a reprieve and he had missed the admission. Closing my eyes tightly, I held my breath.

“That’s why you’re crying?” he asked, too gently, in a tone that told me he cared. It only made me feel worse. He would hate to think he had made me cry. I’d been selfish to tell him. “Addy, talk to me. Is that why you left school without me and why you’re crying right now?”

River was fifteen. He was popular at school, and although he didn’t play sports (once again, because of me), people still loved him. Was it so wrong that I’d fallen in love with him, too?

His hand touched my arm, and I jumped, but I wouldn’t look at him. I felt so guilty. It was my fault he didn’t play sports, and now I was making him think he couldn’t date or I’d cry like a baby.

“I’m sorry. Just ignore this. I swear I’ll never react this way again,” I said, with as much conviction as I could. I wanted him to believe me.

“Answer me, Addy. Are you crying over what you saw? Me and Delany?”

I shuddered, hating to hear her name with his. But she was tall and beautiful and popular. They made sense. They fit.

River sat down beside me, keeping his hand on my arm. “That’s it. That’s why you’re crying. Because you saw me with Delany, and it upset you.”

He wasn’t asking questions now. He was stating what he’d figured out from my silence.

“Why does that upset you?” he asked. His voice was a low rumble as he moved closer to me and his thumb caressed my arm. “You’ve always talked to me before. Don’t stop now. I need you to tell me, Addy. Please. Talk to me.” The desperate plea in his voice was my undoing. I was hurting him, and he didn’t deserve it.

I turned my gaze to his, and my eyes held more unshed tears. “I’m sorry. I . . . I know we’re friends, and I know you would do anything for me. So this is unfair, and I don’t want to tell you, because I don’t want you to feel bad for me.”

River didn’t move. His eyes pleaded with me to continue, so I did.

“I was jealous. It was hard to see . . .” I swallowed against the lump in my throat. “I didn’t want . . . I don’t want . . .” I closed my eyes. I couldn’t say it and look at him. “I don’t want to hurt our friendship, but I’m in love with you.” There. I had said it.

Before I could think of anything else, River’s hands were once again cupping my face, but this time, it was different. There was an intimacy to it that didn’t come when he was checking me for bruises. “Look at me, Addy.”

Slowly, I opened my eyes and stared into his. There was so much emotion there. I wasn’t able to read him and know what he was feeling.

“I’ve been in love with you for a while now. I just didn’t think you felt that way about me.”

“What?” I said, confused.

He gave me a grin, then moved in closer. “I’m in love with you. You’re all I care about.”

Frowning, I looked down and tried to move my face away, but he held on to me with a firm yet gentle touch. “I saw you caring a lot about Delany.”