The Bairn of Brianag

I crawled into bed, and opened Robbie's letter again. "Dearest Jessie." "Your loving husband." Anger rose in me and I ripped the letter into pieces.

I knew that I was not Robbie's dearest; and he himself was no husband at all, never mind a loving one! He had shown a rare flash of husbandly-and familial-duty with his letters to me and the Randalls, but it was not his true nature. I took up a book of poems, resolving to put Robbie out of my mind once more. I was perfectly content with my life at Brianag without Robbie there. He could stay in the back country, and I would stay at Brianag and be quite satisfied.

In my dreams that night, I lay with Robbie; felt his body as close to me as it could ever be, and I moved with him. I woke overcome by ecstasy, my heart pounding, my breaths fast. I lay awake for a long while, watching the coals die in the fireplace, remembering against my will how I had loved Robbie with my body and my soul. At last I went back to sleep.

The next day as I dressed, I remembered the dream, and a thrill streaked through me; gooseflesh wrapped my limbs. I stared at myself in the mirror. The longing for Robbie that had been a part of me since my childhood had not died. I loved him with my whole soul. I could not deny it, nor forget it. I was joined to him forever.

My heart swelled so that it seemed to push the breath from my lungs, and I squeezed my hands together in my lap as Rabbit put up my hair. A fervent prayer that Cathy was right, that Robbie needed more time to grow up, to become ready to be a husband, that time would help him to realize that we were meant to be, rose in me and pushed everything else out of my mind. God, please, let Robbie see that we are meant to be together. Please let him love me as I love him.

Finally my heart's swelling subsided; my breaths returned to a calm rhythm. God had forgiven me, had brought me home to Brianag; God would answer my prayer now.

Robbie would come home to me. I would be patient until then.

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I spent the next two weeks quite happily immersed in Christmas preparations. My father and Kevin had not gone to Gillean since the Harvest ball except for brief excursions to attend to matters with the overseer. The Randalls, being the generous and compassionate people they were, thought it best that my father have time away from the place where so much misery had transpired; I was grateful to them each time I heard my father's laughter. I myself had no wish ever to return to Gillean. Kevin and my father were given their own rooms at Brianag, and with John and Cathy there, there were always no fewer than seven at dinner; and during the days before Christmas, the table was always crowded. I laughed and sang and danced and ate, and each night went to sleep content.